Oh, Fuck!

Can never just kick it

2011-06-28T19:58:00.000-07:00

I've got creepers, apparently. And I'm really not cool with that.

Then the question came up, "What makes me any different?" The difference is, your attention is not unwanted. Your attention does not complicate my life. It should but it doesn't because you don't let it. And I don't let it. I like you. I'm comfortable around you. We have fun. It's never weird or awkward. We have great chemistry. We're a lot alike.

Above all, we want the exact same thing... affection. And for now, it's working.

He doesn't make me nervous and he doesn't do anything to me that is really worth talking about. It's comfortable. It's really nice. We talk. We cuddle. We hold hands. And he doesn't even try anything. It's always been me.

I just hope he never falls.

Means to an end

2011-06-28T19:36:00.000-07:00

We went through some really, really intense conversations. Conversations that left us extremely hot and extremely bothered for hours. Went to a kick back. We spent half of it standing next to each other, drinking beer, and exchanging vicious, inside-innuendos and looks. His girl showed up. I didn't know whether or not she knew. It became quite apparent that she did indeed know.
He kept texting me. I showed him my legs and asked him to follow me into the bathroom. He went first and called me a pussy. He already knows what challenging me does. I wait outside of the door. He comes out and I smile. We pretend like it's a weird coincidence that we're both here. I press myself up against him. He reaches under my skirt. After a moment he bites my neck.

No kissing. Kissing is too intimate.

He set his rule. No kissing, no fucking, no blowjobs. Just his fingers inside of me is the only exception. I can comply.

Why am I even doing this in the first place? Okay. I love the attention that he's giving me. I told him that I could stop. Then I realize that he's the only one that initiates and I just follow. So, so very passive.

That bite was amazing. I wasn't expecting it and it shot a lightning bolt through my body. He puts my hand over his crotch. For a few moments we're in a dark hallway in an empty house, listening for anybody coming. I walk into the bathroom, hoping he'd follow but somebody comes in. I slip into the bathroom and he walks back outside. So disappointed.

Always unfinished.

A few days later after one of those oh-so bothered sessions we liked to torture each other with, we met outside. During the day I was very blunt about what I'd wanted. I wanted to break two of his rules and I still wasn't going to kiss him on the mouth. So terrible.
I was about to leave right away but he lingered near my car. What do you want? No, I know what you want but I don't really want to do it. Not here, at least. He told me to open my passenger door. Passively, I did. Of course I did. I was nervous, I admitted that I was nervous. He always makes me so nervous. He sat and just looked at me. I blushed, I looked away, I laughed, I smiled. I was so damned nervous. I lifted my skirt a bit when his hand got close. I wanted him to touch me but I wasn't going to force it. He slipped right into me. Again, a lightening bolt went through me.

Then we broke a rule. It was a pretty substantial rule. Literally half an hour later he texts me and tells me we shouldn't be so forward with each other, that we need to just be friends. And I understand it but honestly, it was a bit upsetting. Probably was the rejection thing. That led to a self-analysis. Affection & attention-starved. Maybe I just want someone to want me. Maybe I was want someone to think I'm pretty. What an idiot. What are you thinking. You know better than this. Learn from your mistakes already. This is what upset me the most. I know he thinks it's because I'm worried about him. No, it really is all my fault. I could have said no. I never wanted to say no...

Too much attraction, not enough thinking. But I do think that we did quite well today. We had fun. He keeps thanking me for being so gracious. There's nothing to thank. At least he doesn't blame me, I suppose.

Scandalous shit

2011-06-21T21:32:00.000-07:00

And it makes my life that much more interesting so I'm content.

We met up a place. He hopped into my car and I took him home. It was around 10:30pm, staying awake for a scandalous rendezvous. Post-rendezvous and I feel like complete and total shit. I took him home, he didn't really talk. That's understandable, tons of emotions & conflicting arguments within his head. Possibly tired. And for some reason I think we're thinking the exact same thing because I can be extremely empathetic. But no, not exactly. Never exactly. But I made it a point to tell him that if he wants to talk, that I'm there for him. I understand, not entirely of course. And due to aforementioned empathy, I can be quite objective.

So he left and all I wanted to do was smoke. He said he had to go right away so I drove around through parking lots, looking for a safe place to take a breather. Didn't want to go home, didn't want to be out. I think I sat in my car for about an hour before I decided to head home, no idea what to think and do.

As soon as I went to sleep, however, conflicts were totally gone. No more negative feelings at all until I saw him and he was sort of acting weird, a little bit meaner than normal or maybe he was being cruelly playful? Maybe I got accustomed to him being pretty sweet. Either way, things are pretty normal, nothing weird.

Then the next day we kicked it at a bar, had some brews, drove to his house with some friends, and drank more while bbq'ing it up. It ends up being three of us sitting outside & talking. One gets up and decides to go to bed, comes back a minute later and asks me inside. "Yes?" "Would you like to go to the guest bedroom and lay down with me?" "No."

I was a bit nicer than a blunt no but that's highly, highly inappropriate--honestly. I got back outside to join my friend and we discuss it. It was stressed to me that it was probably just the alcohol. Okay, sure. He was nice about it. Fine. I'm just completely disappointed that I can't just fucking kick it and relax, enjoy the company of some awesome dudes, without it turning into some kind of fucking sexual-advance fest. It's already been speculated that just because I hang out with these guys, that I'm probably fucking them. Why! Although to be fair, apparently they're trying to fuck me. Sad, sad state.

So I ended up sitting out with the remaining guy, enthralled in deep conversation, which then led to mild cuddling and falling asleep on the couch with my legs on his. He was very affectionate but he never tried to even kiss me. It was actually really nice.

Compliments get my panties off, apparently

2011-06-19T05:19:00.000-07:00

I fucked with him the entire shift the other day. I made him jump, I made him squirm, and I barely even touched him. I think it's quite amazing, actually, and so very adorable. But as I've said earlier, it's very dangerous. Also, we leave at the same time. He left before I did. I quickly gathered my things and went after him. I found him sitting in his car, waiting. I walked over to him and we began talking. I told him a few of my more interesting stories and flirted mercilessly. I still can't hold anybody's gaze for too long. Their intensity always intimidates me.

I talked to him again last night. He was surprisingly well-behaved, as opposed to any other time when it's all sexual innuendos. I commented on that, which was a great segue into his potential for infidelity. I keep telling him that I'll let off whenever he asks me too. He tells me that he likes it and doesn't want to ask, yet he's at a moral standoff with himself between giving into his impulses and cheating or denying the temptation. And I haven't stopped because he hasn't asked me to. I am at a similar standoff. I mean, in theory, the answer is clear. In practice, it's so much more difficult.

Do I really want to be that person? I am not trying to fuck him and steal him from his girlfriend. I don't want a relationship with him or anybody else right now. I am, however, having a ridiculous amount of fun flirting with the idea of a solitary, intimate experience with him. It feels like there's unfinished business. And then what? Why am I trying to fuck with a spoken-for man anyway? Oh, I know. He's smart, funny, nice, amazing, and he thinks I'm hot.

And I'm definitely not going to use twisted logic to persuade him, as much as I like playing Devil's Advocate. You're not married, you're single, it's not cheating. Come on, just this one time. I can keep a secret. We can pretend like nothing ever happened. You know you want it. But what makes me upset about the whole situation is I sort of feel like I may have already fucked up the opportunity to make a really great friend. That and I cannot stand how these assholes around us assume that we're fucking just because we hang out.

However, now that I know about his moral quandaries, which almost align exactly with mine in that I don't want to have part in someone cheating (although that's my empathy and were I more of a selfish creature, it wouldn't be a problem--this is something I also struggle with), I think I'm going to have a problem skirting the boundary from now on. It would be funner to keep dangling on the edge, never promising anything, never relenting at the same time, without it ever going anywhere. But it would be easier to just drop it entirely. Easier in general but not easier at first.

And I would like to close with my thoughts on men who cheat. They're jerks. If you're trying to fuck another woman, why are you even pretending you're into the one you're with now? If you feel the need to have extra-marital experiences, break up. Get it out of your system and when you know you're ready to settle down, then settle down. This is why it's generally stated that young people (teens & early to mid 20's) should not be in serious relationships. Biologically, we're hard wired to fuck like rabbits.

Threesomes destroy relationships

2011-06-15T20:46:00.000-07:00

Free as a bird, avoid talking to the ex like a plague. I'm actually pretty happy with my life right now. I just need to get my own place and everything will be awesome.

Now to the subject at hand: Threesomes destroy relationships. I've been aware of this for some time, thanks to Loveline, my favorite radio show. People, usually guys, will call in and ask, "How do I get my girlfriend to have a threesome with me?" They'll offer advice but ultimately, they end up saying that threesomes are a terrible idea. They ruin relationships.

Why?

That terrible monster that we've all met in our lives at least once: Jealousy. There's always going to be someone who's going to get jealous, even if everybody does everything right and has a good time. And more often than not, one of them isn't as connected as the other and wants to have an extra-marital affair without actually sneaking around and cheating. They're cheating because they're sharing emotions and intense physical sensation with another person but their significant other is there so it's okay? What do your morals think about that? Mine say there's a million factors to include.

Que the argument that states human beings are animals and monogamy is against human nature then mix that with facts about the human emotional condition. What? Okay, just Google, "threesome ruin relationship". It's all there.

-------------Night 1

The first night included drinks and flirtation. Always flirtation. There was four of us, one guy, me and a couple. Was this on the agenda? It was for me although I wasn't going to be aggressive about it and from what I know about them, it definitely was for them. I got friendly with one of the guys, I'm comfortable around him, I wasn't trying to fuck him; he's a good guy, he's nice, but he's not my type at all. The girlfriend got friendly with me, we watched TV and cuddled. I gave her a back rub and back scratch, which of course feels amazing, and included me asking her to take off her bra for better scratching action. She ended up leaning back on me, I put my hands on her stomach. I grazed her breast and she said, "It's okay, touch them." so I grabbed both of her nipples and started pinching. She began writhing and quietly moaning.

No, I'm not even telling a dirty story. This is more for me so I can look back and bask at the awesomeness of it all.

I like to call my guy friend's girlfriends "my lady", meaning she's mine and not his, which makes them jealous and makes me laugh. I told him his girlfriend is cute and I'd do her, as per my perverted male-ish persona often has me do. This led to him saying, "I can make that happen if you want." That led to me being uncomfortable. They ask me intrusive, personal questions and I answer them accordingly with no shame. However, I get nervous and shy around girls I like.

She doesn't strike me as a stunningly beautiful woman, as I do see from time to time. Those girls, I want to maul them and tear their clothes off. It's a strange urge. But she's really cute, she's my type definitely. And I'm not actually bisexual. I love dick, I love guys, I love the largeness and seeming security of guys. Women are beautiful, I'd fantasize about them, but fucking a girl has never been high on my list of priorities, nor does a relationship with one. I'm open to sex if it happens.

She turned around and we started kissing. That was weird because she was smaller than me. I got used to it pretty quick and we just suck face for a few minutes. I end up on top of her, still kissing. She's grabbing my ass and breasts. The guys were sitting on the bed now, I have no idea what they're doing. I mean, aside from nothing. They weren't doing anything but watching! Then we hear them get up and leave the room. She and I wonder why they leave. They come back and we resume. Still don't know why they left. They go back to their seats, respectively.

A moment later, I feel them both smack my ass at the same, twice. A moment after that, I feel somebody touch me. This startles me because I wasn't expecting it. They're pulling my leg back. Now my fingers are rubbing her clit. My nails are long so I'm careful about the pressure. Somebody's fingers are inside of me. Feels amazing, thinking about it still gives me chills. She tells me to shut the fuck up because I'm moaning way too loud. Then somebody pulls me off of her by my hips--my favorite stop to be pulled. I end up in his lap. It's her boyfriend. I convince him to let me take off her shorts and panties. She helps me out and I start to eat her out. It's my first time. It smelled/tasted like skin so now I don't even understand guys bitching about it. Pussies.

I come back up and try to lift up her shirt to suck on her nipples. She's self-conscious about her stomach, I apologize, and we kiss more. I hear somebody start to take off their belt. Apparently she tells him, "I'm going to take it out but it's not going in her." Then I feel somebody kissing my neck.

Things get a bit hazy so the next thing I know, I'm making out with him. It's the other guy. I don't know where the girlfriend goes. She climbs on top of me and we makeout. The couple leaves the room. He tugs on my shorts so I pull it all off. He goes down on me, he comes back up and we kiss more. He asks if I'm not birth control--super responsible, right?--he leaves for a moment to get a condom. He's back and I ask him to help me with his shorts. As soon as they're off, I'm sucking his dick and then we're fucking. I tell him to cover my mouth if I'm being too loud. First missionary, then doggy-style, then missionary again. He cums, commenting that it was the moaning. He laughs a bit when I kiss his neck. He eats me out more, we makeout more. I tell him his mouth tastes like pussy. He tells me mine taste like dick. We both laugh. He fingers me until I tell him I've had enough. We go into the other room to join the couple who are talking. We watch TV for a bit longer and then go our separate ways for the night. On the way out, I kissed the girlfriend and the boyfriend. Girlfriend commented, "That's enough." She basically set the tone, which includes me being very cautious about my actions with him. I want to maul him and fuck the shit out of him but I'm being very careful now.

It was a very good night.

-------------Night 2

The following night we do something similar. It wasn't planned outright. It was more of a, "What should we do?" type situation. We landed on staying over and playing games all night while drinking. We didn't really play games but we drank. Boyfriend and I secretly flirted mercilessly. We ended up all sitting on the bed, watching TV again. We were very tired from the previous night so mostly, everybody was just exhausted. The guy I fucked the night before fell asleep on the bed, I was laying back on him. I got up to talk to boyfriend, boyfriend rubbed my feet and tried looking up my skirt. I let him. Other guy just went to sleep on the couch and I stuck around in the couple's room, nonchalantly making sure that the girlfriend was okay and trying to get her to take her clothes off or at least pass out so I can fuck around with the boyfriend. Boyfriend sort of is my type in that he's a big guy, which is dangerous in this situation because he's attracted to me, too. So, so dangerous.

He asked where I want to sleep: bed or couch. I wasn't ready to leave so I said bed. She laid down half-naked due to my excellent convincing skills, I spooned her, he spooned me. He put his hands down her panties. I began sucking her nipple. He then put my hand down her panties. I rubbed her clit and he fingered her. I helped her get her panties off and she then began to slide my panties right off and finger me. It was pretty amazing, actually. I wasn't sure if it was him or her half the time.

We were making out and fingering each other, then we noticed he was just sitting there watching. We teased him and asked what he was doing. He said he was fine and to continue. We did.

He ended up in the middle of the bed, I on his left and she on his right. She left for the restroom and he started kissing me. I asked if she would be okay with that due to aforementioned tone mentioning. He said this verbatim, "She almost had her entire hand in you, I'm sure it's okay." I said something about how awesome it was that I was almost fisted and we laughed then started to makeout. She walked in on it and was okay with it, I guess. We both started cuddling him. She pulled out his dick, he told me not to look and we all had a laugh. He started alternating between kissing her and kissing me. She jerked him off but her arm was sore so I took over. She began to suck his dick while I kissed him. She stopped and he asked if I wanted to give it a go. I looked at her and asked if it was okay. She gave me the go ahead and I went to town. I heard him say something like, "You should see what she's doing because I can't." So dangerous. And oh my god, his cock was magnificent.

I stopped and asked if girlfriend was "ready". She said not yet so I continued. His dick almost didn't fit in my mouth, nor did my hand wrap around it completely. I had a problem taking it all in, honestly. She was ready and I stopped. I laid back next to him and she climbed on top of him. She began fucking him. He held me tightly with one hand and grabbed her with his other. I pinched her nipple while he fucked her. She rubbed my pussy while I kissed him, listening to him moan. He came and we went to sleep. Work was brutal the next day. I think I got an hour of sleep.

She said that's the first time they ever did that. I asked if she had fun. She did.

After some research, which I normally would do prior to... anything, several events did not align with the ideal, safest situation possible. There were no guidelines set, which is apparently quite paramount. But I was careful, I think he was too, and I asked questions and made sure I had confirmation before touching him. I don't care if he does/doesn't like what I'm doing to her, it's all about her.

Next was the fact that boyfriend is into me at least somewhat, although trying not to be as per what he tells me. And we work together. And lately we've been chatting all day, every day. I told him that I will stop this madness if he wants me to. He said no then challenged me to take it to the next level. I'm stuck on the fence about that. I have morals and don't want to fuck up anybody's shit but then again I'm having more fun than I've ever had before. I'm going to enjoy this for as long as I can without stepping on too many toes, I think.

Maybe. I thought there was more but maybe not. Too tired to finish, I suppose.

what

2011-06-14T11:30:00.001-07:00

Did some scandalous shit the other night. Getting a taste of the consequences today. Knew it was a bad idea. Alcohol-fueled and poor impulse control ruled the night. The repeat was even betted. One of the best seldom told, intimate stories I'm probably ever going to have the pleasure of sharing. Tally's currently 3, 4/1, 8.

I am proud to say that I do feel somewhat exhilarated.

General update

2011-06-09T02:09:00.000-07:00

You know that crush I'd been blogging about for forever? Fuck him. As I previously mentioned, he acquired a lady friend and completely stopped hitting me up. I think I called him once, talked to him for fifteen minutes, he asked when was free, and then had to go and said he'd hit me up. It's been at least a month since then. I called him once and he didn't answer. That's it. So fuck him. If he doesn't want to talk to me, I don't want to talk to him.

My job friends have thus far been more amazing than I could have imagined. They're awesome.

As for the people that I previously called my friends... not so much, unfortunately. If they hit me up, I'm probably not going to deny their invitation, due to the fact that I'm passive and up for anything, but it's pretty clear where they stand. And it's all good.

I just need to find my place in the world.

Graduation was... windy. It was slightly organized and left much to be desired, not at all what I expected. Graduation party was not at all what I expected. Not as many people came as anticipated, wasn't as bad as I thought, and I made out well... Speaking of making out... I miss that so.

Got a secured credit card. Stoked on that. Building credit. Bought an ostentatious ring from Etsy. Bought a sweet t-shirt from Tumblr. Got a couple of fat checks. Spent about $54 on food/drinks tonight. Can't remember exactly. Still drunk.

Fuck it. So much backspacing.

Drunk as fuck

2011-06-09T01:36:00.000-07:00

Okay, not really that drunk but I didn't realize how drunk I was until I got home. I'm so drunk that I can't fall asleep... or not drunk enough I guess. I close my eyes, get comfortable, and start to get the spins. Lame.

I drank about four or five... maybe six Coronas and 1 and a half... they called them IPA'S... So... something pale ale. I love pale ale. It was in a big glass so who knows. The owner commented that he loves my drunken composer. Not wild.

It's my day off. I got invited to kick it with them at a sports bar that they frequent. I literally had nothing to do so I said fuck it and went. Slightly nervous, I went into the bar, used the restroom, and somehow found them sitting, waiting for me. It was my supervisor, owner of the company, and a coworker. Why am I so cold? Anyway, we threw back a few, talked about work a bit, etc. All in all, we were there for about seven hours. We were the last ones to leave. I was too drunk so I discussed the plan of action and followed somebody home.

They discussed how I should be put on the "party list", which I'm already on due to Monday's shenanigans. They also joke in the office about it because there's one guy there, which they hate, that keeps asking to be put on the list. They just reply, "What list?" hahahaha

Halfway through the girlfriend of one of the guys showed up. I had previously been joking and called his girlfriend my "lady". She arrived, he told her about it, and then ensued the uncomfortableness. I mean, I admire women... definitely. But were I in the position to proposition, nay! Be in a position to have sex with one... I'm not really sure what I'd do. They're sexy as hell but I'm entirely inexperienced with women. He kept saying he could hook it up but... I don't know about that... yet. And a man and a woman in an open relationship kind of threw me off. It's a definite possibility so I retracted for now.

She's cute as fuck, though. I've been working there for three weeks now and I'm pretty comfortable. I've called my supervisor an asshole several times and I shared almost an entire pack of cigarettes with the owner. I held my own tonight, which is a marker for them, so I think I'm pretty well off. I may need to tone it down for the work place, however, I think. I mean, with the liberal "asshole" callings and general, half-kidding put downs. I can be pretty vulgar. I need to create a line between work and hanging out, which is a fine line and they seem to have a general grasp on.

So many backspaces. All in all, an awesome night.

New job & new friends

2011-06-06T21:40:00.001-07:00

I honestly can't recall if I posted about my new job. I started three weeks ago. It's a tech support call center. I actually really like it. For the most part, the customers are really polite. On my third call I got yelled at--probably because I was really unsure and inexperienced, although I knew 100% what he was talking about, gave him the correct answer, and he still was looking for a different answer--but after that, no real problems. A couple of rude people, no big deal. It wasn't as stressful as they initially made it out to be and for the most part, all of the guys that work there are really nice.
I'm the second out of two girls that work there. I think the other girl is a lesbian and she's pretty masculine. She's also really cool. We work different shifts so I haven't really talked to her. The entire work environment is really cool. I really like it.

Tonight I went out for drinks with my coworkers. It was supposed to be the bosses, me, and a peer but something happened with the system and they couldn't make it. It was me, a peer, and my supervisor. They convinced me to go so I said fuck it and went.
We went to a local bar. My supervisor bought all of my drinks, although I was going to pay for myself. It started with stories about their sexual conquests, which I'm used to because all of my friends are guys. Then as the drinks were consumed, it turned into a lot sexual innuendo.
Somebody I talked to a while ago was asking what field I was trying to get into. I said computers and the first thing they said included something about advances and they were totally correct. Conversation turned into them both saying how they could rock my world--which I find interesting because I'm not particularly attractive. I staved off but the tension was in the air between talking about job, coworkers, and "what I say here, isn't to be repeated in the office." All in all, I had a lot of fun. I can't wait to go out again with them, despite certain tensions. They already know what's what. Work tomorrow will be interesting.

Job & food

2011-05-28T11:27:00.000-07:00

I think I actually like my job but it's only been a week. It isn't as frustrating as I thought it would be. I did have a bad half a day on my first day taking calls. I became completely overwhelmed when I realized how much I had to learn and how it wasn't coming to me as easily as I had anticipated. But one cigarette later I was back, less anxious, and ready to learn.

This is my first conventional job and I had a lot of preconceived notions about what that would be like. Up until now I've been, for the most part, a free spirit in terms of being my own boss. I dreaded doing the 9-5. In fact, I kept away from it like the plague. I now know why the caged bird sings. I like this better because there was always sort of an anxiety in the back of my mind when it came to working my own schedule. I am a procrastinator by nature so time management was always an issue. And my affairs, because they were all my own, could be described as a 24 hour job. As in, I could do it any time as long as I got it done. Mix that with procrastination and it's really not productive.

Now I just show up between certain hours and go home after. My responsibilities lie within those hours a day and I have the rest of my day to relax or do something extra-productive if I wish. Now I just need to get this last class out of the way and I will be more at ease. There's a few days of homework and studying, one hour-long test, and I'm good to go and never looking back.

Currently, I'd like to bring my own lunch to work instead of driving home. I'm trying to eat more vegan, so basically trying to cut out the dairy and eggs. I'm not a health food nut, I adore processed and frozen foods, so a strawberry salad with nuts sounds extremely unappetizing for me. As does bean soup with strange, alien ingredients that I'm still unsure exactly what they are. I don't even like beans, to be perfectly honest--unless they're refried or at least squished. I also don't want to eat out every day. The money isn't an issue, it's the driving around thing. I have more chill time if I don't have to leave for lunch.

Basically, I'm thinking leftovers. I'll make a huge amount of whatever I eat for dinner and just bring it the next day. Need to buy containers. And a water bottle. I'm not really big on cooking, however. The last thing I cooked was tofu and onions. It wasn't that great because I didn't have cummin. That was at least two weeks ago. I've been surviving on breakfast cereal, frozen entrees, fruit smoothies, pre-packaged non-frozen vegan asian cuisine, ramen (way too salty), pizza, vegan hot dogs, and vegan burgers. Most of those things involve a microwave and heating about a minute.

But I'm sure I'll figure it out. Pasta sounds amazing.

Satanic Witch drinks / love potions

2011-05-22T11:26:00.000-07:00

I wasn't able to find this party punch as quick as I would like, even after thumbing-through and scanning half the book, so I'm putting it here:

"If you are having a party and want an easy-to-make punch that will be consumed copiously by those who don’t even drink and has a decidedly sneaky effect, I have used this to great advantage for many years: Goblin Juice: Mix together one fifth of rum, one fifth of vodka, one large can of pineapple-grapefruit drink (prepared under many brand names), one small can of concentrated frozen orange juice, diluted as per instructions on container; and four ounces of grenadine. You will produce a drink every bit as potent as the most exotic Polynesian concoction. Serve with ice and lots of salted goodies."

From Anton LaVey's Satanic Witch.

Found here, in addition to the other love potions: http://www.scribd.com/doc/25527438/The-Satanic-Witch

2011-05-21T11:43:00.000-07:00

He just called and offered me a job. I am extremely excited. Not stoked on the hours but I think I can adapt to an early bed time. I had to put this somewhere. I called my best friend to tell him but I think he's sleeping. Don't want to put it on Twitter. I can post what I ate for dinner, complete with a picture, yet I'm hesitant about saying I have a job.

As for current news. I'm still trying to sell my car. I printed out new signs, complete with an official estimate on current value, as well as an aesthetically pleasing overview of basic features. My main reason for trying to sell it was to get a car that I can commute with so I can find a job. I now have a job but I'd still like to sell it for general transportation purposes. Maybe. Probably. Possibly.

I'm going to have to borrow money for gas until I get paid. I should do some homework today.

answering machine personal message but in blog form

2011-05-20T20:31:00.001-07:00

Goals have become clear. It's like I've just been hit in the face. I don't have an answering machine and I know if I write this down the old fashioned way, on a piece of paper complimented by my crude writings, it will get lost with all of the other papers with similar scratchings. I haven't had goals in a long time, thus I've been literally doing nothing and making enough money to eat the things that I like to eat every day.

In no particular order:

1. Buy a dot com with my name.
2. Tattoo more--legitimately or not.
3. Post intelligent, only slightly offensive musings & tattoos I've done. Main priorities is tattoo pics/stories + portfolio & contact shit.
4. Get better at tattoos.

First priorities include getting a job and moving into my own, solitary place to aid in appearances and speed up maturity levels, as well as a lack of cashflow issues. The aforementioned list is to help nourish my soul, possibly creatively.

So, in other news, went to a job interview on Wednesday. I think it went really well. The guy said he'd call on Friday, he called Thursday instead. I woke up late and wasn't able to reach him after that. I woke up earlier in anticipation of another call, which never came, so I called back again in a timely manner. Messages left Thursday and today. Why didn't I wake up when he called the first time! I bet I did and I bet I treated it as an alarm and just made it quiet. Damnit. Damnit. Damnit!

Life update

2011-05-19T03:24:00.001-07:00

Finally participating in a graduation ceremony. Had absolutely no intentions of any sort of shindig, however parents insisted. Mom got on Facebook and furiously began work to connect with relatives and invite. Okay, sure, they're probably proud of me, but I really think it's an excuse to throw a party. They continue to insist that it's all for me. I don't even know any of these people. And the jury is out on whether or not I'm actually going to invite my friends.

In reality, I wish my best friend wasn't an overbearing, ex-drinker that insists on pulling me through the mud with him in terms of staying drink free. I'd say sober, which is the best course of action for him, but he's replaced the bottle for a bong. Because all I'd really like to do in celebration of graduation is to go down to either a sleazy local bikini bar or a 70's -ish throw back punk bar and throw back a few overpriced drinks. And smoke cigarettes.

Oh, and also, I don't really have friends that are over 21. The ones that are over 21 are way too broke to humor me. I don't really drink much but when I do, I expect it to be fun. Although I never went to, or was even invited to, house parties prior to 20, I'm over them now. It's something I've almost entirely outgrown. So now I just want to kick it at a bar with good friends. Bars exist, good friends at the moment do not.

So I told my dad today that we should get a keg for the grad party in [half] jest. He replied, "That's too..." I was expecting the next word to be 'expensive' but he said, "...much beer." I'm not going to drink, as tempting as it would be because I'd be forced to keep company with people that I don't even know for an entire day.

In other news, crush has a "lady friend". I talked to him on the phone last week, he mentioned he was hanging out with a girl, I assume it was the girl I saw him with at a recent party. Of course, I changed the subject. I assume it means girlfriend but I could be wrong. Either way, I decided that I'm spending way too much time and energy thinking about him, especially considering he very rarely makes an attempt at staying in touch--and he currently has a female to entertain him. Makes sense based on past performances. I've already come to terms that when I keep the company of males as friends, when they get a girlfriend, I'm chopped liver.

I could go straight femme fatale and grab his affection but as amusing/fun as it sounds, I prefer not to manipulate. I don't think it would end well. I think that's the perfect mentality to stop crushing on him--the lack of interest in in-touchness. That and absolutely not seeing him. Each time I see him, the infatuation gets more intense. It helps that we don't talk and he lives 60 miles away. So I'm absolutely hesitant on inviting him to my party. I don't want it to be a snub, especially considering he was formally one of my best friends prior to this year.

And I went in for a job interview today. It went well. Sentence structures indicate that the job is mine unless they find somebody else more qualified, willing to accept barely-above-minimum wage and with a similarly open schedule, enthusiastic about working the graveyard shift. Good luck! On a lighter note, on my way from my car to the office, I was briefly stalked by a tall, African American, older gentleman who apparently liked what he say, proceeded to ask my name and whether or not I'm single, all without even the suggestion of a smile. Not even a smirk. Drug stupor? Either way, no thanks, bro!

I went to a party

2011-04-30T10:25:00.001-07:00

He was there. I asked him earlier in the day if he was going. Yes. Excitement, anxiety, anticipation, anxiety. I missed him so much. I hadn't seen him in weeks, maybe months. I've talked to him sometimes, at least once a week. I tend to be busy and feel like I'm bugging him. Too chicken to give him a call but in general, he seems to respond quite well. Then I realized that he stopped responding after a certain time. I had an inkling that he was dating someone based on the fact that males tend to stop talking to me when they are in a relationship. It's been a pattern throughout my life. But okay, I could be paranoid concerning this matter.

We arrived and I walked into a garage filled with people. I've been to more compressed events before so it was okay. He was playing a drinking game. I hugged him really tight. He said I looked mad, he always says that though. He's the only person that says that to me anymore. I told him I probably drew my eyebrows on wrong--which quite possibly could be the case. As soon as I could, I pushed my way in and said all of my hellos to half the room, I found a relatively less populated corner next to a couple of friends that were playing beer pong.

Minutes later "the gang" went outside to smoke in the middle of a culdesac. On our way there, we talked about how we haven't seen each other in a while and why I don't visit. Normal slightly self-humorous banter ensued until we arrived at our not so conspicuous destination to partake in aromatic endeavors.

Apparently what the night had in store for me was a reconnection with former friends who I wanted nothing more than to see them instantly burst into flames in the past. My grudges as of recent have been much less intense, almost not so much of a grudge anymore. It's possible that I could be maturing or my memories are fading. No, the memories are still there. The opinions are still there. I'm not just mad about it any more.

Anyway, both of them came to me, said that they were sorry, and proceeded to apologize. It was weird. But I guess it makes everything a bit easier. Oh, and they were drunk. Expected, actually.

We go back in and he falls back into the games. I'm standing out. And then I see him talking to a girl. I was afraid of this, honestly. I had half expected it, actually. Okay, fine. He has a date. I put my head down and take a few deep breaths, remind myself to be calm, that this is something I can do nothing about. But it hurts and it made me anxious and depressed.

From their posture I could tell that they were together, somewhat comfortable but not totally comfortable yet. It must be new. I couldn't decide whether to ignore them, as is my first instinct, or be friendly. I went with my first instinct and I didn't say another word to him again after that. I didn't even look at them.

The spent the remainder of the night pondering what I should do now, trying not to look like I wanted to fling myself off of a bridge. There aren't any bridges here. I've been spending this morning sporadically weeping, still contemplating. My first instinct is to stop talking to him and try to forget about him. I guess it always starts with avoidance. Second is to continue my plan. I'm still torn.

random though

2011-04-22T14:25:00.000-07:00

I think I'm a pretty good candidate to be put through a classic Jigsaw life and death test based on my current mentality and lack of care for life in general.

Except I'm not a junkie and I haven't been treating anyone like shit.

Just the mentality.

It's there.

But I'm too nice to try and fuck with anyone else's life.

In fact, I'd probably let the fucking timer go off on my head.

Just make it quick. Fuck it.

Thank you.

cougar?

2011-04-21T23:37:00.000-07:00

You've probably read about my stupid crush already. How long have I been writing about it? Well, I can tell you that I was attracted to him almost from the beginning when I noticed that he was going to end up being at least somewhat important in my life.

My first impression of him was that he was just some young guy that was in a band. Big deal. Whatever.
My second impression of him was him injuring himself while drinking, then asking for my help because it looked bad. He ended up following me around a store, looking for the first aid section. We ended up in a bathroom. I had a boyfriend so I always tried to keep everything business. I looked down, helped him, and got out as soon as possible. Back then, I just remember him as a tall figure because I never looked at his face directly.

I always had a hard time looking him in the eye. He makes me feel shy. Nobody looks at me the way he does, as close as he does. When he looks at me, everything else in the world disappears and then I struggle to hold his gaze. And I always fail. Although his eyes are brown, they're beautiful. And it's funny because he said that he was intimidated by me from the the beginning. I think that's ridiculous.

My ex boyfriend knew I liked him. Once at a party he said, "If we weren't together, she'd try to make you her boyfriend." They were wasted so I just shook my head. I don't think either of them remember. But it's true. I'd like him to be my boyfriend.

I met him when he was 16. I celebrated his 17th birthday with him, as well as his 18th, and 19th. He's 19 now. When he finally turned 18, the attraction only got stronger. I felt less like a horrible pervert for crushing on him so bad. He's six years younger than I am. The age difference doesn't matter to me at all.

I really like him. Sure, he's attractive but I like him as a person. He's such a gentleman. He's so sweet and he's honest, generous. He's smart and he's a good person. He's always been nice to me and he's always been there for me, to lend an ear if I wanted to talk. He always seemed genuinely interested in what I have to say so it's easy talking to him, even if we're just talking about nothing. Although most of the time neither of us has anything to say. We're alike in that aspect. And we like most of the same things. There isn't anything that I dislike about him, to be honest. And that's a lot coming from me because I'm extremely picky about people.

Sometimes I think back and I feel like he might also like me based on experiences we've had. The way he's hugged me, the things that he's said, the way that I'm one of his closest friends somehow. I've always had a boyfriend and he's so respectful so nothing's been so direct. But then I think that he might not. I'm afraid to tell him how I feel but I'm working up to it. I give dozens of people advice every day so I think it's best to practice what I preach, which is blunt honesty in these cases. But it's so hard.

It's so, so hard.

What Disney has bought me

2011-04-21T23:28:00.000-07:00

I'm on a Disney survey panel thing... they show us ideas, concepts, and get our opinions about packaging and whatnot. And their incentives are gift certificates to a popular website. I never order from there but I thought okay, awesome, I'll try it out. They have everything. This is what Disney has bought me so far:

First, a 3-tier shelf.
Second, a 4 gb SD card.
Third, a power cord for my laptop power supply.
Fourth, a tattoo power supply.
Fifth, a bunch of tattoo needles.
Sixth, a work out DVD that I bought for a friend who gave me cash.
Seventh, The Devil's Notebook and The Satanic Witch by Anton Szandor LaVey, which I just ordered.

Super stoked on the last items. Can't wait to get them and read them. It'll be a nice addition to The Satanic Bible and The Satanic Rituals.

It's still very fascinating.

I decided to stop smoking

2011-03-29T19:05:00.000-07:00

I made the conscious decision to stop smoking cigarettes about three weeks ago because somebody who cares about and believes in me suggested I do. He did the whole die-early, lung-cancer, unhealthy, etc. thing that I've heard so many times before first. I told him that I went to public school, I'm aware of the health-risks and yet I still don't care. I didn't tell him why I don't care, just that I don't. And then he said something that I find to be supremely sweet (so much so because nobody says sweet things to me). He said, "because I want to chill with you for as long as possible."

So after that night, I decided to think about quitting. I know me and I know that it has to be a gradual process. That's how I do things and that's how things stick. I do them gradually.

In reality, I only smoked maybe four or five cigarettes a week. Once a nurse said, "Why? It just makes you stink." I like the smell. I smoked when I drove (don't really drive that often), when I went out (don't really go out), and sometimes when I went biking (haven't done that in a while). On a given night out, I'd smoke maybe three times. On a given night out drinking, I'd smoke about five to six times and end up giving away the rest of the pack because it feels like most people smoke when they drink and I'm way too generous.

After that night I decided to think about it, I smoked once a few days later and not again until last night. Two cigarettes. If it's any consolation, they tasted sort of bad.

Negative connotation is the key to my gradual lifestyle changes. That's how I did it with vegetarianism. Works for me.

I complain

2011-03-29T18:56:00.000-07:00

...that nobody ever hits me up for anything. This girl that I really like, that I sometimes talk to did just that because she's having a party at her house tonight. Parties at her house are among some of my favorite recent memories. Although now that I'm PMS-moody and upset about aforeposted jerk-friend, I don't even want to talk to anybody or do anything or see anybody.

But it's only 7pm. I guess I'll get back to her. Whether or not I attend and then drown my sorrows is questionable. I am in no way, shape, or form above drowning my sorrows.

random thought

2011-03-29T17:34:00.001-07:00

He's surrounded by enablers and I feel like I'm the only one that can see the problem with addiction.

It's already so familiar. Invalidation. Accusations of overreacting. Crying.

Then the questions come. Should I just let him get sucked into himself and drift away, hoping eventually he sees that he has problems? Should I continue trying to convince him of my point of view?

For now, I'm going with the former. I don't feel like I deserve to be treated this way any longer. There is supposed to be unconditional trust and empathy. And it doesn't exist. Just stubbornness and selfishness.

Fuck it.

A story about how you can't be friends after a relationship

2011-03-25T20:31:00.000-07:00

December 25th
Him: We're done because I'm a dramatic ass bitch.
Me: Fine, whatever. I don't need this shit. I've been thinking about this for a long time, you're making this shit way easier on me.

January 1st
Him drunk in the middle of the night: No, I'm not drunk I just miss you. And I didn't say we're done. I didn't mean it. Please let's go back to normal.
Me: Okay, well... No. You're a liar. I'm busy, leave me alone. Bye.
Him drunk: *calls 15 times in his drunken stupor*
Me: *answers every single one until I start screaming at him and want to break things*
Him drunk: *finally relents*
Me: *decides he can suck my dick because he's a piece of shit and I never want to talk to him again*

I wallow in self pity and forever aloneness and depression for three weeks. fml.

Him: Hey, I miss you so much I'm so sad can we be friends please I need you in my life I can't deal I need my best friend.
Me: No. This is a bad idea. You and I don't work. I can't forgive you, (+reasons) etc.
Him: Please, I need my best friend.
Me: *realizing I literally have no friends* Fine but you better fucking respect the fact that I don't like you any more, fool.
Him: Okay. :)

Everything is cool for a couple of weeks. He's respectful, doesn't try to force affection on me. He slips up and tells me he loves me but other than that, no problems.

We end up having sex a few times while I was staying at his house. Shouldn't have been there in the first place but whatever. I was having a fucking fantastic time, chilling with the person I'm closest to and more comfortable with, also my only friend that even wants to spend time with me. Making fantastic memories and doing some cool ass shit that I'm nostalgic about right now.

He starts to get more affectionate and I start losing my shit. I tell him to stop and he doesn't listen. I'm starting to have panic attacks and I'm stressing out. Fuck. I've told him I don't want this. Why won't he listen?! I don't want to have to be so blunt, I don't want to hurt him.

A month later I'm at home and we have this blow up and he's pissing me off because he's trying to fucking control my life again and causing drama. I tell him that I spend 5% of my day thinking about him, 4% of which is spent thinking about the fucked up shit he's done to me. This leads to him saying he thinks about me 100% of the time and he needs to hear me say that I don't love him anymore and there's no chance.

I've already told him there's no chance, more than once. But I tell him again. He says he needs to stop thinking there's a chance of us getting back together and he needs to get over me.

OKAY.

Now I'm pissed. A.) I thought I had a friend that could handle being a friend. I didn't offer to be friends. He did! And he was the one that broke up with me! If it was up to me, I would have stopped thinking about him three months ago and gone on with my life. B.) All of this "friends" shit was a ploy to get me back even though he said he wasn't going to do that so that means C.) He was fucking lying to me this entire time.

So, of course. I don't know why I'm so surprised. This is what he does. He lies to get his way, schemes to get his way, and then I'm left reeling, confused, and feeling betrayed after it all comes to light; wondering what the fuck happened, where the fuck did everything go wrong.

So that means that I have to start this bullshit fucking forever aloneness phase all over again and try to get over these trust issues that he's graciously given me.

Fucking sweet.

So I ran into this gorgeous guy I know

2011-03-23T19:34:00.000-07:00

And he's awesome and nice and very handsome. I'd do him, honestly. But he has a kid. That's a total turn off for me. That's why I don't try to put myself around him more.

He'd come to my work wit his kid. All the girls would swarm around him and say, "aww, cute." Not me. I started to walk in, saw he had his kid with him, said hi to the guy, then went about my business. He suddenly became very unattractive to me.

But he's a cool guy.

Whatever.

Haggling is stupid

2011-03-22T12:40:00.000-07:00

I don't want to play these stupid games, any stupid games which are commonplace and involve human interaction. I like you but I'm not going to say that I like you because I'm scared so I'm going to drop a million hints and hope you get it. Hey it's cool that you're offering to buy this thing for me but it's okay, I can pay for it myself even though you're insisting to pay for it a thousand times and I'm shooting you down which makes me feel like I'm independent and can pay for my own stuff even though I also look like a rude asshole for not accepting your generosity. I want to buy this from you but I'm cheap and I need a better deal so I'm going to offer you less money than you've consciously made a decision to sell it for.

If I like you, I'm going to tell you directly.
If I want to pay for your shit, fucking let me. I offer because I can afford it and I like you, not because I'm trying to look nice and hoping you'll say no.

The third is what I'm dealing with now. I'm trying to sell my car for a fixed price, which I spent a great deal of time thinking about. I sought out its worth, factored in damages to the car, etc. and then decided how much I'd like for it. I put my ad up and I'm getting shitty offers of about half I'm asking. And I know I'm going to find someone that wants it and is willing to pay for it and they're still going to ask for a better deal. Come on! I don't need this shit. I don't NEED to sell it. I can fucking keep it my entire life and be cool. I'm not hard up for cash. I just thought it would be cool to have a newer car.

When I buy things from people, I don't try to haggle. I will purchase it for what they're asking. If it's too much in the first place, I won't even bother contacting them.

Want

2011-03-20T20:28:00.000-07:00

A boyfriend.
A boyfriend who's nice.
A boyfriend who's nice and funny.
A boyfriend who's nice, funny, and respects me.
A boyfriend who's interested me in.
A boyfriend who trusts me.
A boyfriend who I feel comfortable around.
A boyfriend who believes in me.
A boyfriend who listens.
A boyfriend that accepts me for who I am.
A boyfriend that doesn't try to change me.
A boyfriend that enjoys new things.
A boyfriend that is confident.
A boyfriend that I can trust.
A boyfriend that won't lie to me.
A boyfriend that cares.

So apparently in a sleeping-pill fog

2011-03-20T15:47:00.000-07:00

Last night I bought Pennington forceps and two 10g piercing needles on eBay because I've decided to pierce my nipples again.

Fuck it.

201st post -- Bad-idea best friend & health-affecting heartache

2011-03-16T13:00:00.000-07:00

About the nipple: I removed the bar after several additional moments of contemplation. Terrible idea. I stuck a bandage on it and went about my business. It was tender for a few days but healed without incident. Now it's just a memory, a lame story the way I'd tell it, and a good laugh.

Then I gave myself two thigh tattoos. Out of the six sessions needed, I'm about to embark on the 4th. Half done so far, not bad. "Is this what I've been doing to other people?!" Not going to lie, shit hurts. Then it doesn't hurt then it feels sore, then it gets almost unbearably itchy. Oh, Eucerine Anti-Itch Cream, you're my best friend! I say it's okay as long as you don't have a reaction. It's the only thing I've found that doesn't exacerbate my eczema so it's awesome in my book.

I use Aquaphor for about three days then Lubriderm or Eucerine Anti-Itch Cream depending upon the itch. No lanolin allergy here!

Then we went to a party, which I wrote about in the previous blog.

Then my anxiety got worse. Then we went to Disneyland, which I contemplated flaking on due to stomach cramps, lack of appetite, lack of interest, depression, the urge to cry in every waking moment, the urge to dig a deep hole and toss myself in it. But Disneyland was fun. We ate edibles, went on some rides, saw some shit. World of Color was fucking gay. My feet were killing me. Didn't eat dinner because of anxiety. Went home early and passed out.

And all I can think about is when we were sitting on a bench, relaxing. He sat next to me and we were talking. I say really stupid things when I talk to him most times because I want his attention. And I've always had trouble looking into his eyes, since the first moment I met him. That day I tried to hold his gaze for as long possible. His eyes are brown and beautiful. He hovered over me, listening intently on what I was saying, his eyes moving back and forth between my left and right eye. I don't even remember what I was saying. I just remember his eyes. I think I only stared back for a few seconds before I couldn't stop myself from looking down but it felt like much longer. It felt like it was just the two of us sitting on that bench. In that moment, nothing else mattered.

Lame.

We smoked weed in his car

2011-03-06T11:03:00.001-08:00

It was a birthday in the valley. The birthday of a man I don't particularly like but his girl I adore. I wasn't having a great day to begin with. Party tonight? Okay! I haven't been drunk in a while. A hazy night is not uncommon, however.
First, we smoke then I find the restroom. No. Let me say that the house was beautiful. It was modern, contemporary right out of a magazine. Now, restroom. While I was waiting for a vacancy a girl asked if I was here with who she thought. Yes. "Is his friend with him? Because I really like his friend." Yes, sure. And then I feel like I'm about to have a fucking panic attack. That feeling is creeping it's way back to me at the moment. He's an attractive man. Okay. And I've been infatuated with him for a really long time. Okay. He doesn't like me that way? He doesn't know I like him that way? She's really pretty. They've met before. Okay. Okay. Fuck my life. Okay. By then I'm still waiting. She comes back a few minutes later to explain that they exchanged numbers but they never talked because of a mix up. Like I fucking care. I don't know this broad and I definitely don't want to know about this shit. Later she introduces me as somebody's girlfriend. I am not anybody's girlfriend. I didn't correct her. She got my name wrong, I didn't correct her there, either. Bathroom's free. I can attempt to collect myself. I'm high. I'm nervous. I'm upset. I'm jealous. I'm thinking the worst. I want to cry. I want to go home and curl up in bed and cry and listen to indie music. Okay! You're done in the bathroom. You need to get the fuck out and join the party.
I walk out, possibly visually upset. First things first: smoke a cigarette to calm the fuck down. Calm the fuck down! Then they immediately offer me beers. Ugh. Fine. If I must.
That girl comes and goes. I ignore them when she comes, I monopolize his time when she goes. I try to not attempt to kill her with my looks. Who spent ten minutes alone with him in his car, wishing he'd give me even a subtle clue? Me. Now I lay here in bed with a hangover, replaying the night over and over, wishing I had done things differently, analyzing our intoxifaded conversations. What a girl. Later: dreading the thought of chilling with his cool, beautiful new girlfriend. I refuse to do it. I can't do it. I've already seen him with four girls and pretended it never bothered me. I'm too tired for a fifth. I haven't felt this way in a while. Fuck reality.

Then five days later he invited her to the beach, that we're all going to but she can't make it. I totally forgot about her. Anxiety is in full force again. I sit in the front of his car next to him the ride there, trying to look less like I want to jump into traffic.

The next day he invites us to the beach again, then I overhear that she's coming. No, fuck that. I'm not doing that. I'm definitely not doing that. I'm not going to play buffer for him and his first date with a girl who I hear already has a boyfriend. Shady. Snake. I'm definitely not going to play nice so their date is less awkward. Fuck that. I call and cancel 10 minutes before we're supposed to leave.

Then I made myself available then realized that I need to just go home and get a life.

I've had three memorable and long-lasting crushes in my life. This is the third. I've known him for three years. I know what he likes. I know what he doesn't like. I talk to him often. We get along famously. I have to demonstrate a tremendous amount of control to not maul him. I'm probably not that bold.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I just got my nipple pierced

2011-01-25T00:58:00.001-08:00

I have always admired nipple piercings. Of course, I wanted one too. I thought it would make my nipples look awesome so I've spent years thinking about it, constantly admiring pictures of pierced nipples on beautiful breasts. So, naturally, I had it done.

And guess what?

I fucking HATE IT.

I wish I could jump in a time machine to go a few hours back and stop myself. I think I have beautiful nipples and now I feel like I've ruined one of them. I was going to have the other one done but I wasn't sure I liked the first one. I've decided this is the worst thing I've ever done and I've got an aching breast to remind me of it.

The pain wasn't so bad and it's not that I don't like piercings. I love piercings. I've even done a few piercings! I've stretched out my lobes more than an inch, I have a large gauge septum piercing that I was initially stocked to get and even more stoked to stretch, and I used to stretch my cartilage piercings. But this, this nipple piercing was a huge mistake. Now I have to decide whether to take it out right this second and wait until it stops bleeding or let it heal and remove it after it heals.

This is the first time I've done something that I truly regret. Fuck.

Burning Man

2011-01-22T21:52:00.000-08:00

I was invited to Burning Man, which I never really had any intentions of going ever in my life. That was partially due to the fact that all I knew it was a weird festival, that's it. Now that I'm reading about it, it sounds kind of cool.

My doubts are: I don't know long we'd be staying and I don't know if I would fair well in the heat. I live in the desert so the temperature is comparable but it's a little bit more extreme out there so instead of it being hot in the day and hot at night, it's hot in the day and cold at night and that's an awesome trade off. I also don't know who else is going.

But I can find that out and deal with it, whatever.

I love riding bikes, I am an artsy weirdo, I love camping, I am already thinking about gifts I can make, I have the money to go, I have the ride, not showering for a week isn't a huge deal to me, I have awesome pre-planning skills, and I'm single so I am a fucking free bird.

Essentially, the real problem is whether or not I desire to just throw caution to the wind, just go, and see what happens! I have a lot of time to decide. I'll be doing research until then.

Things

2011-01-18T03:24:00.001-08:00

So, my weekend was a bust. The person I was looking forward to seeing sort of flaked or some miscommunication happened. I don't know. I'm pretty busy although I'm totally disappointed, my focus is still mainly at the task at hand. I think I would have cancelled anyway and confirmed my flakey reputation because I didn't feel too hot on Friday. Now I'm full-blown sick and hopefully on the recovery. I'm not a doctor or anything, hah, but I don't want some sick person holding in coughs, tattooing me. I can only imagine the germ-spreadage.
I honestly can't remember the last time I caught a cold. My over-cautious semi-germaphobe shenanigans pay off quite well. Maybe vegetarianism also plays a part. I can't work out though and that's a serious bummer.
As of right now & until the end of the month I need to bust my ass working, do a ridiculous amount of math homework each night, and work on a project for a breast cancer benefit thing at the end of the month.
Right now I'm watching Let The Right One In. I need to recycle tomorrow before another douche-packer steals my shit again. And I have a test. Can't wait to get paid. I'm going to get my hair fixed and pierce my nipples. Stoked.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

L'Oreal lash boosting serum & mascara

2011-01-16T16:43:00.001-08:00

I started using the lash boosting serum and mascara on December 9th. It's now January 16th, 5 weeks later.
It claims to condition your lashes and it does just that. Before, each of my lashes were pretty thin, the ends tapered to an almost microscopic point. I also noticed that there wasn't much abundance, either. Now I notice that now they're individually thicker, a bit longer, with a greater amount of lashes. I'm very pleased. Of course, this product doesn't compare to an eyelash growing serum but if you want better lashes, I highly recommend this.
I also put it on my eyebrow half the time but I don't know that there's a difference.
The L'Oreal Double Extend mascara with Lash Boosting Serum mascara/primer combo is cool. I love the primer to death, neutral about the mascara--nothing special about it. The primer goes on nicely, makes my lashes reach for the sky, and presents impressive length. Plus it has the conditioning serum in it so that's a plus! I wish they sold the primer separately. I've been using a drug store vibrating mascara, Maybelline Pulse Perfection. I love this mascara, too. It's nice on volume, length, and separation.
In my intro article, I stated that I ordered Buxom Lashliner in Leatherette, which also claims to boost lash condition. In the last month I wore makeup maybe 1/4 of the time. I don't know if it made a difference but as a gel eyeliner, I love it!
I immediately noted that the pot is small but I like that now. There's less product so you won't have to deal with half of a pot of dry liner. It's $15 plus shipping from Sephora, I couldn't even find it cheaper on eBay. Is it worth it? I think so! When I run out, I'm ordering more. I use the brush that came with my HIP cream liner.
As an eyeliner, I adore it. It's super black, easy to apply, doesn't dry out to quick nor stay wet for too long, although I put a bit of black shadow over it after I apply it. It lasts all day and doesn't slowly make it's way to the inside of my eye too much.

In summation, love the lash boosting serum, love the lash primer and wish it came separately because there's nothing special about the mascara on the other end, love vibrating mascaras, and love Buxom Lashliner because it conditions and is super black.

So what else do I use? L'Oreal black eyeshadow for eyes/eyebrows, Garnier Nutritioniste Moisture Rescue Refreshing Gel-Cream, and Physician's Formula talc-free Mineral Wear loose powder. That's all. :)

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Oh wow

2011-01-15T04:36:00.001-08:00

The show was good I only had to walk past Asshole twice and completely ignored him both times. I saw a lot of my show-friends, spent most of the night with an underage lesbian who I am growing to completely adore, and the bands were not too bad, either.

In other news, I think I'm getting sick. I thought it was just a pesky cough but now my throat's beginning to hurt. And I was just thinking, I can't remember the last time I was sick! Bastards.

I posted an ad on craigslist tonight about some type of indiscriminate something to see what kind of responses I'd get. Funny thing is, I posted basically the opposite of what's considered "beautiful" in the mainstream sense. I've gotten seven responses in the last 40 minutes at 4am. Two of them are at least remotely appealing, the others are either gross, suspicious, or moronic. I'm going to look forward to checking my email when I wake up, solely for the entertainment value. I'm not really cut out for these types of encounters.

I'm looking forward to later today. I'm seeing my favorite person, hopefully, and then engaging in one of my favorite activities.

Decision

2011-01-11T01:17:00.001-08:00

I just decided that my being there will make him more miserable than it will make me and that is totally worth it. Also, I'd like to see if he's still drinking. I'm sure he is and I'd love to criticize him for it. Plus I miss most everyone.

Also, the thing about exercising before bed is true. I decided to do 10 minutes of dance cardio right before bed now I can't sleep. I usually stop at least 2 hours prior to bed. That and I just got Tetris on my iPhone. Terrible ideas.

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Week 1 of Chalean Extreme done!

2011-01-10T20:13:00.000-08:00

I did 8 days so far. I'm already stronger, I can feel it and I feel okay. I'm with this program 100%. No weight loss at all but I've lost half an inch on my waist already. I was looking forward to doing a workout today then I checked my calendar and realized that today's a rest day! In theory, I'd feel good about that and were I not insanely busy for the rest of the week, I'd probably do some cardio.

First rest day I stoked, second rest day I felt like I was cheating, and I feel the same about it today. I feel like I'm cheating or lagging it.

I also want to ride my bicycle every day. I think about it all of the time but I haven't done it yet. I absolutely loathe riding by myself. I don't really like doing anything by myself, actually. I'm okay going to the store by myself now, actually. I don't want anybody to even acknowledge my presence. When I'm riding with a group I'll say hello to just about everybody I see; other people on bicycles, people waiting for the bus, people walking their dog, etc. When I'm alone, I want to be invisible.

I've ridden my bike once by myself. I did amazingly well going up the hills but I'm insanely paranoid. What if I get hit by a car and the driver drives away and nobody sees?! What if somebody tries to mug me? What if I get kidnapped? Granted, the bike path is dedicated and separate from the super busy street.

I'd like to stop and take the time to thank my mother for my irrational, or maybe entirely too rational, fear of the outside world and people. Thanks!

I don't mind being yelled at, every time I/we ride somebody yells something from their car at least once! But one of my friends said that she went riding by herself and a car full of dudes started following her and bugging her, they even stopped. When I went riding by myself, I went past some black guy in a neighborhood who for some fucking reason was talking on a house phone in the middle of the street, I said hello as sort of an acknowledgment that I was there instead of silently zooming past him and scaring him, it was a courtesy, and he took it like I was, I don't know. Anyway, he tried to "get at me" as I rode off, he was still trying to get my attention when I was several streets down, yelling. That's my nightmare. Avoidant personality.

There's a pretty big show going on tomorrow and I'm considering going. I have the money to pay for the ticket but I'm pretty sure they won't make me pay. I do like the headliner. I saw them at a fest early last year but I only caught the last song. I also wouldn't mind supporting the local bands. I also haven't had any social contact with anyone in forever.

I'm going past there for school tomorrow anyway but I don't want to stop by if my ex is there. I don't want to ever see that Asshole again, in fact I'm going to refer to him as Asshole from now on. Now to think of a way to find out if he's going without seeming... well, like a crazy ex. Hmm...

EDIT---------------------------------

Pfft! I checked Asshole's Twitter. Of course he's going tomorrow. Now I have to decide whether or not I'm going. Even though he lives an hour from here, he's been coming up here every day to hang out with "our" friends so of course he'd going to the show.

When we were together he never wanted to hang out with anyone and rejected all of my ideas. Now that we're not together, he's leaning on "our" friends and doing all kinds of cool shit that I'd love to do. And what am I doing? I'm waking up at 9am to work/browse the Internet in my room, stopping at 8pm to work out in my room, then doing homework until my brain gets fuzzy or until 11pm in my room. I spend 95% in my room. I have no money to do anything because I bought Christmas presents for Asshole's entire family; mother, father, brother, sister, sister's husband, sister's two children; in addition to my family, mom, dad, brother, two nephews. And I don't get paid until the 15th. I'm too fucking generous.

I just need to focus on how much money I'm going to have not being with Asshole anymore. Like I said, I'm too fucking generous. Anything he wanted, I'd buy him. Now all the money is for me! I'm investing in vegan groceries, hair dye, and supplies for piercing my nipples. Oh, and I'm buying another car. And moving out solo. And I'm thinking about taking a trip.

My problems are very immediate and very lame. I need to focus on the future. January's just going to be shitty, I have to work too much. Ugh! Then there's Valentine's Day. I wonder if I can procure a date for that, I don't even care if it's a girl. In fact, I'd prefer a girl. That would be so nice. No girl in particular, just a girl. I can't even think of any single girls into girls.

I've got a tattoo client for Saturday. He's my favorite person at the moment so I've got that to look forward to. Yeah, I should get back into tattooing. I just don't want friends who are friends with me just because I do tattoos but I think at this point it doesn't even matter.

Oxy Clinical Acne Solutions hurts my face

2011-01-07T23:25:00.001-08:00

Yeah, my face hurts. I received samples of Oxy Clinical Acne Solutions, three little packs. One is an acne face wash, the other is a acne-bacteria killing thing you slather on your face that also claims to help with blemishes, the last is a hydrating system with an acne-destroying solution in it.

Step 2 burns like a motherfucker on my cheeks, the dryest part of my face. It burns in other parts but mostly I feel it there. It burns bad so I don't put it there any more!

I've used it twice so far over the past week and I already see a huge difference. To be honest, I only wash my face when I take a shower. I use St. Ives medicated apricot scrub. With Oxy, my face is way dryer, I've seen none of those little shallow pimples, and parts that usually do have acne/blemishes have much improved.

I'm definitely buying the full product, despite the burning. With this product I just may finally know what it's like to be acne free! My acne isn't terrible but it's there and it shouldn't be! I was considering going for monthly facials but I may not need to with this product. Joy.

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Testing out BlogPress

2011-01-06T08:04:00.001-08:00

This is me testing out BlogPress from my iPhone so now you can also enjoy posts from me on the go, or whatever. I'm laying in bed right now so I'm not technically on the go. Good morning! Time to wake up and work.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

My 10 year relationship with a compulsive liar

2011-01-03T14:54:00.001-08:00

There was trust. There was so much trust. But it ended recently and I've realized a great deal about this problem so here's my story from the beginning. Mind you, I'm still not 100% on what's fact and what's fiction.

I met him when I was 14 years old, a freshman in high school. It was the second month in. I remember it like it was yesterday, lunch had just begun and I was following a group of new friends to meet a new kid. He was tall, had hair on his face, and had dark hair. I didn't think much of him then, he was just a guy standing alone, eating chicken nuggets. He was introduced and we all started talking. He complimented my bag and I began messing with him. Normal day. He was 16 years old and told me he was a senior (lie, he was a junior and I didn't know about this particular fact until a few months ago!).

Later he asked for my phone number. I'd give my phone number to anybody who I was remotely familiar with and had asked for it. Nobody ever asked for it though. I'd been having a phone relationship with someone I'd never met, a friend of a friend, for months at the time but aside from that I wasn't a phone person. He'd call and we'd talk for hours. He claimed to be in a band before he moved here (lie) and he'd talk about shows they'd done (lie), as well as show me some of the music they'd recorded (total fucking lie, he put on a band that I didn't recognize and claimed it was his). He also told me an elaborate story about his mother being Canadian (lie) and about his affair his father had with her (lie, and what for?! The band thing made him sound cooler, sure, but not this one. Wtf is the point!). Once he'd even told me that his Canadian mother was going to be in town to visit for a few days. I was excited for him (and that makes me feel stupid) and I said I wanted to meet her! He insisted that I not and told me all of the details, even which hotel she was staying at (all fucking lies).

We quickly became best friends, like peas and carrots. I'd mess with him and tease him relentlessly and he'd just take it. I would see how far I could go and quickly found that there was no boundary. He never got mad at me or asked me to stop so I stopped. I'd never say anything soul-crushing or inherently mean. It was all in fun. I was going through the toughest times of my teens, hormonal problems I'm sure, and he was the only one there for me. I could tell him anything and he wouldn't judge me at the time.

Once he said he was going on tour with his band for a week (lie). He even called me from a cell phone, who knows whose it was, once a day to tell me the details of his "tour" (who knows where the fuck he even went, if he even went anywhere at all!). He began dating a girl suddenly, I was hurt that we were supposed to be best friends and he never discussed it with me. They were together for a month or something. I ended up realizing that I was extremely jealous and I had feelings for him. As soon as they broke up I swooped in and took him. I still remember our first kiss (heartache).

Our first year together was absolutely amazing. We never even argued once. He was 100% sweet and amazing. It all went downhill from there. It's like he got comfortable and started to finally be himself. Jealous, controlling.

Slowly I began to realize that he lied all of the time. As I do with most things, I took it with good humor. I thought it was amusing and I didn't think it was really serious. I began to realize that he lied about the tiniest of details. I'd be next to him when he'd get a call, he'd tell the person on the other end that he was doing something or being somewhere completely false. It was not even to cover up for anything, he was just doing it for the sake of doing it. He said he didn't know why so I asked if he did that to me. He said no and I believed him.

He used to talk to girls on the Internet, girls he'd never had a chance with in real life and I'd caught him. He lied about it, saying it was his brother. I believed him!

Sparing copious detail, I knew about the problem for many years but trusted him and didn't think it was a big deal and/or believed him so it went on like this all the way until the end, four months before our 10th anniversary of being together. I broke up with him once or twice due to the lies but he'd always promise to work on it. He'd always regress as soon as things got comfortable again.

Recently I realized that he's also an alcoholic and whilst giving him a chance at becoming a better man and redeeming himself in my eyes after a Christmas disaster due to his drunkeness, he'd called me drunk to fight, plead for me back, fight, then threaten when fighting/pleading didn't work. I'd asked when was his last drink and he lied. I asked if he was drunk then and he lied. I could tell, I've known him all this time and I can tell! Compulsive lying

And to tell you the truth, Internet, I am embarrassed as hell and I feel stupid as hell. I am embarrassed that I let him lie to me all of this time. I'm embarrassed that I didn't recognize it sooner, that I didn't do anything about it sooner. And I'm pissed that he thought he could get away with all of the lies! Like I'm some kind of moron. I'm sure he didn't even consider that but that's how it all makes me feel. Compulsive lying, alcohol addiction, manipulation, invalidation, betrayal. No cheating, as far as I even know! I think it's better to just think positive about it. It's a learning experience, I now know better.

But I'm proud that I'm able to finally be kind to myself and leave this horrible nightmare of a relationship. The unknown is extremely frightening but I'm in a good place right now. Good enough to be strong and get through it. I'm not looking for anybody else at all whatsoever. It's time for me now, to do the things I want to do when I want to do them and this is very exciting although my heart still feels like it's covered in a huge, disgusting scab right now. He was everything to me for 10 years, everything I knew.

I actually got fantastic help and support from Help.com. I posted my story, asked for advice, now I use that advice as daily affirmation to help me get through this, to remind me that I'm doing the right thing when I feel doubt. I am so grateful for the users that helped me. Words cannot describe.

I just found out about nail marble art

2011-01-03T07:13:00.001-08:00

I was looking for dry shampoo videos, which is something else I just discovered today, and came across this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0AEp4HUg3M&feature=channel

You basically drop dots of nail polish into water, create a marble effect with a toothpick, dip your nail in the water over the polish-creation, move the unused polish out of the way, and pull your nail out.

It's amazing and were I 12 years old again, I'd be all over it. I'm not saying this technique is for 12 year olds, I'm saying I don't wear nail polish now but when I was 12 I used to love nail polish.

So, there.

On a side note, I just hung up a 4-foot long wooden shelf with three hercules hooks and I'm pretty sketchy about it. It's probably not holding more than 50 lbs total but I don't feel confident and I won't be surprised if it all comes crashing down in the middle of the night. The commercial said each one holds up to 150 lbs.

The shelf is saving me a ridiculous amount of storage space. I have another exactly like it but no more hercules hooks! I also need to buy a small bookshelf for my printers. I need to get paid already.

Also, I started my first day of Chalean Extreme and it wasn't too bad and I have been a notorious exercise-hater. I'm a little bit sore everywhere, which is strange for me. Namely the muscles right above my knees, my upper chest, and my upper arms. I was good all day until I went to sleep then woke up to soreness. It's not a killer, I've definitely had worse walking around a theme park all day.

I've been using exercise bands and I'm not really into it. It seems like the program would work better with free-weights but the bands are nice to have if you don't want to deal with the bulk. I want to buy some of those weights that you select how heavy you want them to be.

Yeah, select weights & a bookshelf.

Happy New Year!

2011-01-01T11:32:00.000-08:00

I spent mine alone. Boo-hoo, right?

I awoke at around 11:30pm to the smell of those tiny sausages and Teriyaki sauce. Ick, I'm a vegetarian. I could hear giggles from my brother and his friend. They're drinking and watching Netflix alone. I go into the kitchen because I'm starving. They're making pepperoni pizza and my brother hobbles in to show me a weird picture. "What the fuck is that?" "It's shrooms *giggle*" In the back of mind I wondered where the bag was but no! Onto the food. I ate a fried cheese ravioli. Cold. Then warmed up some pasta that I made earlier that day. I checked Twitter to see if anything cool was going down. No! I don't want to see our mutual friends and be subject to questions. Damn those questions! But alas, they're inevitable. Not tonight.

Later I get a call, well more like a dozen calls which have led me to the conclusion that my ex-boyfriend is a selfish, manipulative asshole and I want nothing to do with him. I deserve more respect than he's capable of giving me, which is nearly and next to none. Sounds pretty simple but oh let me tell you, it was a disaster. It was all sorts of fucked up. It's been several hours so now I'm focusing on better things.

In general, I am of the opinion that New Years resolutions are stupid. I formally only associated New Years with a reason to fucking party/stay indoors because people like to shoot guns off. No parties for me this year, though. So, naturally, it only seems fitting that I impart a few resolutions on myself for the year 2011 given my life's current, albeit shitty circumstances. Here goes...

1. Purge toxic people from my life, people who do nothing but nay-say and try to bring you down with them.
2. Learn how to communicate better, also known as: become an amateur psychologist via Internet articles. Woo!
3. Start and finish a 90 day work out program, my program of choice is Chalean Extreme. Which brings me to...
4. Declutter/clean my room... so I have space to do thems fancy work out routines.
5. Put everything back where I got it from, also known as: keep my room clean.
6. Ride my bicycle more. Easy.
7. Finish college. Two classes away, easy.
8. Work more. Easier said than done but 100% possible.
9. Move the fuck out by graduation (June). We'll see. What an exciting prospect!
10. I should have a 10 but I don't. Oh! Connect better with current friends, make new friends, and re-connect with old friends.

I have so much to look forward to this year. I think I'm at the right place to finally do these things. And there's get nipples pierced/finally get a tattoo in there somewhere but I'm still on the fence. I should have health insurance first, just in case something goes horribly awry!

I love the word awry. It looks so great.

Beginning dealings with an alcholic

2010-12-30T12:05:00.000-08:00

I didn't realize it at first. When we met I don't know if he took any drugs or drank at all. He was sixteen, to be fair. I think he smoked marijuana. He'd be smoking since he was 12, possibly. Not every day, as far as I could tell, but on occasion. Several times a week, at least.

I was with him on my first experimentation with drugs. I was fifteen and we smoked weed in our friends basement. We'd walk to his house after school as soon as I got comfortable enough to hang out with my friends after school. I'd never hung out after school before. Needless to say, we'd get high as fuck and my mom would come pick us up when it got dark. Yeah, I'm sure she could smell it on us. But she's no hypocrite.

He made some new friends, friends that I was also friends with but he didn't mix him, me, and them together. I hung out with them separate from him and I guess it was weird. That should have been some kind of sign, of who knows what, but I'm shitty at interpreting human behavior, to be frank. Drug experimentation went on to mushrooms, weed, and acid one night. At the same time. I was really ballsy back then, I suppose. Thankfully, I didn't smoke that much weed, we didn't eat enough mushrooms to trip balls, and the acid was bullshit. I've only taken mushrooms once more since then. Good times! I stopped smoking weed soon after, it made me sick and that scared me.

Then he began drinking heavily with the friends that he separated me from. I'd hear the stories, never went. He'd somehow imprisoned me into staying home, going to school, not talking to friends, and hanging out with him. A bit later came the excessive weed smoking. I remember it best when my parents and I moved into a new home and my parents rented our house out to him and his friends. I remember spending a lot of time waiting around from him. He'd smoke weed with his friends, they'd have parties, and I was never allowed to go. I'd always wanted to go, he knew I always wanted to go, he'd never let me. He'd tell me all the stories though. I could come over on non-party nights, to briefly exchange pleasantries with his friends, on our way to his bedroom to lock ourselves in there until it was time to leave. I spent a lot of time waiting for him. I think he's smoke weed, time would fly by, and he'd be on stoner time, which consists of being hours late. I realize now that he wasn't in love with me. He may have thought he was but his mind was always on the weed. I was an afterthought, something comfortable and pleasant to be around, but never on the forefront.

This is my most painful memory from then. One Halloween, which had been my favorite holiday, I assembled a really cute costume for one of their house parties, which he was telling me I could go to. I was so excited. I had to hand wash this dress that I was going to wear. He sat with him while I washed it in the bathtub and talk about the party. When it was finally dry I even put on my outfit to show him. The day of, probably right before I was supposed to go over, he told me I can't go but he'd hang over there for a bit and then come chill with me. I ended up all alone that night, probably on the Internet. Total disappointment. I'm sure I cried.

My mom came over to check on the house she was renting out. It was completely fucked, the carpet was black, there was towels all over the floor, spills everywhere. It smelled horrible. She was pissed and threw everyone out. She stopped talking to him after that. He was no longer allowed inside of my house until about a month ago. That was about 8 years. I remember he'd used to get me to collect rent from his friends. One of them was flaky and he was afraid to be firm with them. He'd make me out to be the bad guy, I suppose. That should have been another sign. I took it all in stride, mellow, go with the flow, with good humor about it all. I shouldn't have.

Sometime in there his possessiveness got the worse. He was smoking a lot of weed and trying to run my life. And I was allowing it to happen. He says he doesn't remember this but it's still as clear as day to me. I can't remember what I ate yesterday offhand but I can remember moments like these clearly. He'd broken down my self esteem. I looked up to him like someone to trust, someone who was looking out for my best interests. I was dependent on him emotionally. I remember crying a lot, thinking everything I was doing was wrong, what's wrong with me, I need to be a better girlfriend, always apologizing. At the worst points, he'd gone as far as to tell me not to wear makeup on my face. But I was so in love with him, I listened to everything he said. And then I'd turn to him when I was upset about the things he did.

After he turned 21, the drinking remained the same. He'd held up a few jobs, one for two years, but there would be long periods of inactivity in between jobs. The unemployment he'd receive kept him satisfied. Money and no work? Sweet. When he could no longer afford to live on his own, he'd move back in with his parents. I'd been going to college this whole time. I broke up with him a few times before when I could no longer put up with his shit. It always ended up as an ultimatum. Either he tries to work on his problems or we break up. He was angry so he always picked the stubborn way and break up, regretting the decision almost immediately.

One of our longest friends once said that he expects this type of behavior from us. We break up and get back together. That's what we do.

Halfway through the relationship I began having doubts, maybe even sooner. I'd always find reasons to stay with him, though. I had been in a band with him and I didn't want to break up the band, it was too important to me. The band ended up breaking up any way. At this point I was so dependent on him, I had no idea how to be independent.

It wasn't until about two years ago did I begin to realize his drinking. I'm sure he'd been doing it the whole time we'd been together, just never in front of me. He joined a new band, that I wasn't in, and we both started working at a local music venue together. It was always beer when we worked and when he played shows. One of the promoters even appointed him to make sure that the talent didn't drink too much. In the movie Get Him To The Greek, when they're in the limo and they're on their way to the Today Show, that guy drinks all of the whiskey and smokes all of the talents weed. That was him on a few occasions.

But we were all enablers. I realize it now. Just because he wasn't causing fights, in fact it was his job to stop them, or being an asshole, we figured all of that drinking was okay. Eventually he started lying about his drinking to the boss and we all covered for him. The bosses even covered for him to each other. It was strange. And extremely unhealthy. I wasn't always aware of his drinking, I was always on the other side of the venue dealing with the people, being responsible. Again, I had good humor about it, I didn't see a problem.

Within the last few years when the drinking has been visibly at its worst, a couple of times he got black-out drunk and started treating me like shit. We broke up one night after that. Our friend was in the car, he'd always been on my side, and he saw the whole thing. My boyfriend didn't remember it. It'd been contemplating a break up every day for at least a year but I was living with him and his parents at that time. I was too afraid of going home. We broke up and I went home. During that time he finally realized how poorly he'd been treating me. He felt complete remorse and promised to improve himself. I didn't realize how much alcohol had to do with it then. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I'm not the perfect girlfriend, I'm not putting all the blame on him. But I realized that I don't think he ever did change. I changed. I don't let him treat me a certain way and we have arguments when we tries to. If he got his way, I'd be that poor little weeping girl that always apologized for breathing and he'd probably be content. That's not me any more. I'm stronger.

He said he was going to move away and I didn't want to lose him, I wasn't 100% sure I didn't want to be without him. He treated me like a princess for the most part and I agreed to continue the relationship. That's when we were going on 9 years. He'd drink nearly every day. I'd join him on occasion but I'm not really a drinker so I'd usually abstain and opt to be Designated Dave. He'd also always drive drunk. I'd fight with him about it until I realized that he is not going to stop until he either gets arrested or into an accident. My bitching fell on deaf ears so I just insulted him every time he did it.

I'd slowly grown unattracted to him. I'd take his friendship but I didn't want to stay the night at his house or be intimate with him any more. He could see it so he just pushed harder. In hind sight, I attribute this to his drinking. Subconsciously I think I took it all in and pieced it all together. He'd never hit me and only verbally abused me once. He'd been terrible to be about three or four times when he was really, really drunk. I told him I didn't want to go camping any more because he gets too drunk. He got mad at me for blaming it on him.

We had a falling out on Christmas this year and that ended it again. He was drunk and acting like a child so I told him to leave. He broke up with me that night because I wasn't in the mood to cater to his shenanigans. A couple of days later he texted me, trying to explain that it was all a misunderstanding. But during those two days that we didn't talk, I did a lot of thinking.

I began to read articles on healthy relationships and alcoholism. He'd admitted to being an alcoholic before, but he didn't view it as a bad thing. He was high functioning yet he didn't have any responsibilities, no job, no school, no kids, no place to be, so I guess it didn't really make a difference. The articles on alcoholism really hit home and I started to think about our problems. He was drunk most of the time so it's not possible for me to distinguish which is which. Who the fuck am I even dating?! I realized how completely self-centered he was. In our last fights, he only talked about himself, could only think about himself. So stubborn and so conceited. And that's not fair. And I felt like all of my complaints, he'd projected on me.

So I told him that I don't want to talk to him at all unless he's been sober every day for a month. I kept on the subject of alcohol and he kept ignoring this. When he did acknowledge it, he said that it's not the alcohol. That he doesn't hit me or abuse me so it can't be the alcohol. I recognized this as denial and I tried to be as understanding as possible. I suggested AA meetings and that I was serious that I don't want anything to do with him for 30 days. When I stopped responding, as I had said everything I needed to say, he began saying hurtful things that weren't true. Everything I needed to say was there and it covered everything he was saying so I never responded back. I made a pro/con list about him and I've been referring to that several times a day for affirmation so I don't follow the impulse to call him and tell him to come over and take him out to a movie to apologize for the trouble. That's my nature. I don't want conflict.

I miss him a lot, it's been a lot of years, but I'm taking this time for self-improvement, which I hope he's doing as well. The longest we've been apart was two weeks about seven years ago. This is very hard. I'm hoping that if he can do this, that without the alcohol he's a better partner but who knows.

I have to keep asking myself: After these 30 days, do I love him enough to struggle through this with him or should I just move on? I don't have an answer yet.

UPDATE: He called me a few hours after midnight on New Years Day to wish me a Happy New Year. We ended up fighting. It sounded like he was drunk, which I didn't really expect him not to drink for New Years. I mean, I hoped that he wouldn't but my expectations are more realistic than my hopes when it comes to this. He said he wasn't drunk, so instead of calling him a liar I didn't press. I also told him that I'm going to call all of his friends and family to check and make sure he isn't lying to me. Turns out he was lying and we fought for a long time, he pulled out all the stops from attempting to make me feel bad for him, to his begging me to forget about everything, to threatening that he's going out of my life for good.

I should have known better than to argue with this stubborn drunk! My night ended up turning into complete shit. And I decided that I'm absolutely, completely through. He called the next day to apologize and he's been very accepting and civil about the end. Usually he'd be up to his old tricks, desperately grasping at me. I'm so glad that he's not, it would just make everything harder. I hope he's realized the damage that alcohol has done. I don't think he's stopped drinking, though. Again, I hope he has but I doubt it. I don't talk to him at all anymore nor do I have any will or intention to.

I've made some short-term goals. They're my first solid goals in years. Goals are what keep me going.

How to open up a Fujifilm Finepix J10 J12 digital camera

2010-12-26T06:56:00.001-08:00

aka disassembly guide sans pictures... to replace a faulty or cracked screen.

I thought I'd share my experience, in a strictly text-based format. That's my only camera so taking pictures of fixing a camera with a broken camera is kind of impossible.

1. Buy a new screen, probably from eBay for the best prices, or broken camera, again on eBay, that you know has a good screen. I paid $15 for my sweet broken camera.

2. Get a tiny screw driver. I used one of those ones that comes with a Techdeck and a tiny flat-head screw driver, too, to remove the weird three-point screws on the bottom.

3. Remove all screws, keeping track of where each screw came from. You should have 6 cross-screws and 2 three-point screws (I don't even know if these are technical terms). I had a problem with my left screws not screwing into the holes on the right, I don't know if they're actually different but switching them helped 100%.

4. Start splitting the camera open from the bottom first, then kind of wiggle it until it open at the top. Make sure the shutter button doesn't pop out.

5. Now remove the other side of the metal casing, shouldn't be too hard.

6. Locate the screen. It was easiest for me to turn the camera upside down, so the screen is on your right side, buttons on the left side.

7. Grab your tiny phillips screw driver, now remove the 1 tiny screw on the green board on the lower left side. Don't loose the screw!

8. Now kind of swing the green board toward you, out, and down because it's still connected on the other side. You can see how it fits and the cushion goes under the metal screen housing.

9. The screen's ribbon should be tucked under it's metal housing, and probably tucked around the side. Follow it until it ends, flip open the little black thing that holds it in place, then gently pull the plastic ribbon out. That's it!

10. Repeat on the other camera if you're working with another camera.

11. To the ribbon, it might help to have tweezers. Gently slide the ribbon into place, push the plastic piece down to lock it into place. Tuck the ribbon into the place where it should go.

12. Now you may want to test to see if it works. Make sure the battery is in and charged, and turn on the camera. It's the smaller button on the top. It should work, if not check the ribbon, etc.

Note: This is where I put a screen protector on the screen, before I put the housing back on. Do it if you like!

13. Place the green board back into place, make sure the cushion is under the screen housing, screw the tiny screw back into place.

14. Make sure everything is flush and set into place and put the outside metal housing back onto the camera, starting with the front of the camera first. Then the back. It should all lock into place. If not, remove the outer housing again make sure the lcd screen is properly in place.

15. Insert all screws into their proper places and viola!

$15 total to fix an LCD screen instead of taking it in for service or buying an entirely new camera. Now all I need to do is find that damned memory card and I'm back to taking pictures of people in their cars while driving.

Creep.

being creepy

2010-12-24T06:27:00.000-08:00

I want run my fingers through his hair.

And run my nose across his neck to smell his skin.

Closely examine the whiskers on his face.

Throw my arms around him.

Press myself against him.

Damnit.

Goddamnit, this hot dog is delicious... vegetarian foods rant

2010-12-21T07:43:00.000-08:00

It's a veggie dog, of course. A Morningstar veggie dog. No worthwhile comment on the name. Solely comment on the fantastic taste. I previously preferred Smart Dogs, then Yves Veggie Dogs, Morningstar dogs are starting to grow on me. At first taste it was gross. Now I can't get enough. I think above all else, Yves Veggie Dogs are my favorite. I must do a taste test on all three at the same time one day.

Once I bought these amazing jalapeno cheese dogs, or maybe they were big sausages. Well, whatever they were, apparently it was the last and only package in the store, ever. I shall never forget those jalapeno cheese dogs.

I buy most of my vegetarian fare from Walmart, it's only about a mile and a half from my house, and open 24 hours a day. I'm known to make late-night trips to spontaneously purchase items, usually of an edible nature. And Walmart's selection of frozen vegetarian eats is the best around this town. This city lacks the Los Angeles-esque vegetarian-friendly scene. There's not one solely vegetarian or vegan restaurant but we've got several Buffalo Wild Wings, Wing Stops, and Wing Spots. Not to mention that mediocre cafe with the amazing hot wings. And Trader Joe's can suck it.

...I miss hot wings. Nostalgia. I wouldn't ever pick one up now. Only fond memories remain. Wait, no, it's all coming back. Okay, nostalgia gone.

We do okay around here. There's a few okay Mediterranean places with delicious falafels, pita, and hummus. Veggie pizza, vegetable chow mein, veggie sushi, meatless fast food burgers, fast food veggie burgers that you pray to god they don't cook right over the meat burgers. Sometimes you can even get away with ordering a veggie burrito with rice without getting tiny pieces of meat in it. Ack! It's happened too many times, I can no longer tolerate it. Rather than just avoiding ordering these things like I should be doing, I'd prefer to just get pissed off about it, disgusted, and either throw the item in/at the restaurant or demand my money back. The item is usually very cheap so I'd prefer to throw it.

Once we ordered burritos from a little Mexican joint on a corner, which charged for extra hot sauce. Have they never heard of a salsa bar?! Their salsa wasn't even that great! We decided that place sucks so on our way to a better burrito place, we tossed our burritos at the windows.

At least I think that really happened. It could have been one of those day fantasies that keep happening more and more frequently.

But let's think of more pleasant things. God forbid I spring on my parents that I'm going vegan. I still don't think they've quite grasped the whole vegetarian thing, despite the fact that it has been at least a few years! Oh! In-N-Out veggie burgers; extra lettuce, extra pickles, extra tomato, grilled onion as well as raw onion, cheese, and spread. Nope, I'm sick of it. But to be fair, I eat vegan at least half the time without any effort at all. Yves Veggie Dogs are vegan. My downfall is my hopeless addiction to nacho cheese. Take me to the movies, to see any movie that isn't animated honestly, buy me a no-salt soft pretzel and large icee, let me put my leg over your leg as I sit next to you, and I'm yours. Expensive AND fatty.

Walmart has a fair selection of veggie treats, Amy's, Morningstar, and Boca. I ordered the Boca burger at Denny's or a regular sandwich-type entree at Denny's with a Boca substitution so many times that I got sick of it. Like, the Philly melt with extra onions and mushrooms with a Boca patty. Now they have Amy's, it's vegan, and it reminds me of cat food. I like to order extra veggies and squish my burgers so it fits in my mouth. Amy's falls apart and out of the sides. But it's okay. And I've got a futile gripe with veggie burgers and wheat buns. I usually order the Classic $6 burger and substitute the meat with an Amy's. Veggie burger: Wheat bun, Amy's, spinach, other weird things that aren't normally in a regular burger. Classic veggie burger: White bun, pickles, onions, lettuce, Amy's.

God, that reminds me. I went to this SoCal burger joint that offers veggie burgers, the kind with rice. Their veggie burgers are good, but way too expensive. They satiate my occasional craving for a ricey veggie burger with thousand island, extra pickles, and small diced onions, accompanied with crispy over-salted fries. Anyway, I've taken to ordering other dishes, again a Philly melt, with a veggie substitution. They charge extra for the meatless substitution, so the cost ends up being astronomical but so delicious. Well, this stupid, silly girl couldn't figure it out. I say veggie patty, she hears veggie bun, which makes no sense at all. It was a big mess. She works at a burger place and doesn't know what a patty is.

"A patty, in American English, is a flattened, usually disc-shaped, serving of ground meat or meat substitutes."

Jesus. Okay, I'm 72% sure the throwing of burritos thing did happen. No, 62%.

I need to start taking vitamins. My memory is starting to go. Curse you, commercial antiperspirants! Just kidding, I know there's no proof... Yet!!! And my hip hurts so I can't sleep. I was going to describe a sexy story but that awesome mustard dog that I had brought on this rant. I don't drink milk, it's icky. But I had a slice of cheese on my Big Mac sans meat. And they added a ton of sauce. The pickles are always the best part. They're two for $3 when you purchase a large fry. Such a deal!

People describe me as...

2010-12-21T01:27:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to fill this out on a survey thing... that pays... not one of those stupid social networking things. Here are the real answers: Intimidating, no fun, narc, scary, smarty pants, rude, awkward, shy, pretty, klutz, negative... and behind my back probably snitch, fat bitch. I don't know. But it's all true.

And the people that read this blog that hate me for being a rational asshole would probably call me a miserable loser, the devil, cow, asshole, dumbass, disgusting, animal, no life, no character, no sense of integrity, mentally sick, unstable, rude, piece of crap, stupid... and then pray for me. Voodoo, I say.

In other news, I think I have a mild case of vertigo.

In somewhat related news, I drove my rickety, old bucket of a sportscar in the pouring rain tonight. It was very, very hard to see, nearly impossible but I made it mostly on nerves, and I managed not to kill anyone. I did, however, drive with my window down to increase visibility and somebody zoomed past me, splashing me with disgusting highway/desert/probably rotting desert carcass water through my window and all over me, into my stunned, open mouth. In that moment I was shocked and forgot how to react to things completely. I was suddenly in a strange world where I no longer recognized the big, metal machine I was supposed to be manning, which I was supposed to know how to operate. Where was I? What day was it? Who was I?! My passenger saw it all in slow motion and reached out in vain to aid me in some unfathomable manner, unable to stop the horror that ensued. I probably have the plague now. #fml

Yeah, I've been thinking about writing a book. About what, I have no idea. And then I think about Brian, of Family Guy, and how Stewie taunts him. Brian would be me. Just stick a cocktail in my hand and a red collar. Exactly the same. Friends become enemies. Enemies become friends. Smug, glare, liquid topaz, Adonis, perfect, cold, dazzling, smirk, stone. Oh, and chagrin. Yes! I'm not a reader but I've read them all! More than once, much to my chagrin. I'm donating my books, among other unnecessary things to the Goodwill. I'm keeping my Satanic literature, as well as my Nietzsche, sewing, art, psychology, paranormal, fact books, and my single CPR book. I think I've already said too much! And I fucking swear I had a copy of Dante's Inferno!

And I've got 80% of my Christmas shopping done. And now that I'm really think about it, people have been calling me "the devil" all of my life. I think their judgments have formed the person I am today. I think our dear friend Marshall Mathers said it best, "I am whatever you say I am."

Cosmetic lash assault

2010-12-14T17:52:00.001-08:00

I tried wearing false eyelashes. It's too much trouble than it's worth, in my opinion. I can put them on fairly quickly with very little complications but still, it's too much. I even tried doing it the Tammy Faye, it sounded more like my way anyway, which involves a lash extensions kit, where they will either fall off by themselves or you can remove the lashes with their adhesive remover. Well, I woke up and half of them were gone the next morning, taking my natural eyelashes with them so I'm skipping that, too.

I contemplated purchasing Latisse or a similar product but I don't have the gull to risk it and I'm not really that concerned about my eyelashes to get a prescription for it. My eyelashes are naturally okay, not too sparse, not too short. I do okay with them, specifically if I have a fantastic mascara.

I've decided on L'Oreal Lash Boosting Serum and the Double Extended Mascara, which has the Lash Boosting Serum in the primer. First, let me say that I love the primer and mascara. It's better than anything I've tried. It curls as well as lengthens. Mostly I'm impressed by the curl. Usually, with any other mascara that boasts huge length, I notice that the length I saw when I initially put on the mascara is gone within a few hours to the end of the night. I don't touch my eyes, either. With this mascara, it's there all the way to the end. I honestly think Double Extend Mascara is a great buy, even if it didn't have the serum in it.

The serum boasts that it will condition your lashes, making them healthier and stronger, thus allowing them to grow to their full potential. That possibly means length and thickness. So, I use the serum at night after I've washed all of my makeup off, and then the mascara/primer during the day. I also put the serum on my eyebrows during the day because my eyebrows are lacking in the hair department due to, not overplucking, but strange genetics. And hey, I've got nothing to loose by trying it on my eyebrows.

I started using it on the 9th, so it's been five days. I don't see a length improvement yet but I do see a lot of shorter lashes coming in, so I can only imagine what they'll do for the volume when they've grown in fully. As for my eyebrows, I don't see anything yet.

But that's not all! I received my package from Sephora last night with the Buxom Lashliner in Leatherette. It's a gel eyeliner that boasts lash conditioning as well. It was $15 from Sephora, plus shipping, and I couldn't find it much cheaper on eBay so I went with Sephora. It was my first time ordering them from. I got a birthday present, it was my birthday the other day, free samples, and a free primer because I had a code. That definitely beats eBay. And let me tell you, I honestly do not pay for makeup so this $15 purchase for me was pretty huge. The pot, however, was not. It's 2g. I guess I got way too used to my HIP eyeliner, which is 4.5g.

I don't have pictures because I don't have a camera! But I can describe it. Will post about this again soon.

Second, Tiny Chef nerd over here

2010-12-08T05:22:00.000-08:00

<>
I downloaded this app on my iPhone called Tiny Chef about a month ago. It is/was free. It looked interesting and it was popular so I gave it a try. Well, I love it. It's in top app purchase, despite the fact that it's free, because there's the option to purchase things within the app for more Chef Money and Coins. It's called virtual goods. Trade your real money for fake in-game money. I don't partake in that so instead of sleeping like I should be, I made figured out how to play the game more efficiently with this here chart-thing.

I can't guarantee the math because I didn't double-check it for accuracy but I'm pretty confident. I ordered it by cookbook order, time it takes to make it, and how much each dish is worth (servings times points minus cost divided by minutes to make). I put forth the effort so I figured I might as well post it on the interwebz. I apologize for the almost unreadability. I'll fix it when I'm not about to knock the fuck out.

Here it is:

KITCHEN BASICS
ITEM SRVNGS x HOURS COST VALUE
spaghetti/meatb 10 1 30sec 0 20
hot dog 50 1 5mins 5 9
broccoli soup 60 1 15mins 10 3.3333
chicken nuggets 100 1 30mins 15 2.8333
hamburger 130 1 1 25 1.75
mac/cheese 400 1 4 75 1.3541
fish/chips 700 1 8 100 1.25
meatloaf 1400 1 18 250 1.0648
roast chick 1800 1 24 450 0.9375
lobster 7250 1 96 1875 0.9332
FAMILY FAVORITES
ITEM SRVNGS x HOURS COST VALUE
beef tacos 160 2 2 90 1.9167
roast turkey 1950 2 48 1050 0.9896
pot roast 700 2 12 375 1.4246
eggs benedict 25 2 5 mins 25 5
pot pie 6500 2 168 3150 0.9772
cheese ravioli 400 2 6 200 1.6667
lasagna 1200 2 24 700 1.1806
chicken parm 70 2 45 mins 50 2
DELICIOUS DISHES
ITEM SRVNGS x HOURS COST VALUE
caesar salad 95 3 30mins 165 4
pulled pork 2050 3 72 1775 1.0127
veggie burrito 170 3 1.5 225 2.1667
shrimp scampi 975 3 24 725 1.5278
BBQ ribs 275 3 3 350 2.6389
falafel pita 425 3 6 345 2.5833
chicken fettuc 1175 3 36 900 1.2153
classic steak 525 3 8 450 2.3438
CHRISTMAS DISHES
ITEM SRVNGS x HOURS COST VALUE
stollen 2150 4 120 200 1.1667
roasted chestnu 1250 3 48 700 1.059
xmas cookies 100 1 1 15 1.4167
candy canes 975 3 36 325 1.2037
figgy pudding 825 2 18 450 1.1111
fruitcake 1500 2 8 500 5.2083
yule log 1100 2 12 375 2.5347
milk/cookies 300 2 15mins 200 26.667

Time order:
ITEM SRVNGS x HOURS COST VALUE
spaghetti/meatb 10 1 30sec 0 20
hot dog 50 1 5mins 5 9
eggs benedict 25 2 5 mins 25 5
milk/cookies 300 2 15mins 200 26.667
broccoli soup 60 1 15mins 10 3.3333
caesar salad 95 3 30mins 165 4
chicken nuggets 100 1 30mins 15 2.8333
chicken parm 70 2 45 mins 50 2
hamburger 130 1 1 25 1.75
xmas cookies 100 1 1 15 1.4167
veggie burrito 170 3 1.5 225 2.1667
beef tacos 160 2 2 90 1.9167
BBQ ribs 275 3 3 350 2.6389
mac/cheese 400 1 4 75 1.3541
falafel pita 425 3 6 345 2.5833
cheese ravioli 400 2 6 200 1.6667
fruitcake 1500 2 8 500 5.2083
classic steak 525 3 8 450 2.3438
fish/chips 700 1 8 100 1.25
yule log 1100 2 12 375 2.5347
pot roast 700 2 12 375 1.4246
figgy pudding 825 2 18 450 1.1111
meatloaf 1400 1 18 250 1.0648
shrimp scampi 975 3 24 725 1.5278
lasagna 1200 2 24 700 1.1806
roast chick 1800 1 24 450 0.9375
chicken fettuc 1175 3 36 900 1.2153
candy canes 975 3 36 325 1.2037
roasted chestnu 1250 3 48 700 1.059
roast turkey 1950 2 48 1050 0.9896
pulled pork 2050 3 72 1775 1.0127
lobster 7250 1 96 1875 0.9332
stollen 2150 4 120 200 1.1667
pot pie 6500 2 168 3150 0.9772

Value order:
ITEM SRVNGS x HOURS COST VALUE
milk/cookies 300 2 15mins 200 26.667
spaghetti/meatb 10 1 30sec 0 20
hot dog 50 1 5mins 5 9
fruitcake 1500 2 8 500 5.2083
eggs benedict 25 2 5 mins 25 5
caesar salad 95 3 30mins 165 4
broccoli soup 60 1 15mins 10 3.3333
chicken nuggets 100 1 30mins 15 2.8333
cheese ravioli 400 2 6 200 1.6667
BBQ ribs 275 3 3 350 2.6389
falafel pita 425 3 6 345 2.5833
yule log 1100 2 12 375 2.5347
classic steak 525 3 8 450 2.3438
veggie burrito 170 3 1.5 225 2.1667
chicken parm 70 2 45 mins 50 2
beef tacos 160 2 2 90 1.9167
hamburger 130 1 1 25 1.75
shrimp scampi 975 3 24 725 1.5278
pot roast 700 2 12 375 1.4246
xmas cookies 100 1 1 15 1.4167
mac/cheese 400 1 4 75 1.3541
fish/chips 700 1 8 100 1.25
chicken fettuc 1175 3 36 900 1.2153
candy canes 975 3 36 325 1.2037
lasagna 1200 2 24 700 1.1806
stollen 2150 4 120 200 1.1667
figgy pudding 825 2 18 450 1.1111
meatloaf 1400 1 18 250 1.0648
roasted chestnu 1250 3 48 700 1.059
pulled pork 2050 3 72 1775 1.0127
roast turkey 1950 2 48 1050 0.9896
pot pie 6500 2 168 3150 0.9772
roast chick 1800 1 24 450 0.9375
lobster 7250 1 96 1875 0.9332

< / nerd alert >

Nighty night!

First, LOL

2010-12-08T04:55:00.000-08:00

I got a new comment on this thing I posted about this person I once knew that I posted about damn near two years ago. It still gives me the lols. They aren't very objective. At all. I mean, seriously. Had it been my friend, I would have said the exact same thing. Because at one point he was my friend!

I think the god thing blocks the logic thing, then I get threatened, cursed at, and insulted. Theoretically, if this particular individual were to... Nah, forget it. It's like trying to play fetch with a cat. It's futile. Believe me, I've tried.

Wait! I knew a guy that ate a bunch of Styrofoam and died the next day. Seriously. What an idiot. One of my close friends killed himself when he was 15 years old because he was bullied and couldn't take it. What a cop-out, I say! I'm strange apparently, I don't take death like most people do. In fact, I look forward to it, however it may come. I think that's why anti-smoking ads don't scare me. They try to scare you with death and I don't bite.

Whatever. I'm a jerk, get over it. May I be haunted for my shenanigans of ill-taste. Fuck me, right?

My birth anniversary is coming up. Sort of looking forward to it but not really. No fantastic plans. Not a fan of being the center of attention. Thinking about starting up another band. Well, two. An indie band and a terrible thrash, crust, groove, whatever band. Also, we're about to dabble in t-shirt making. Fuck! I'm so excited about that. I've wanted to do that for years. Yes, I make my own dreams come true, always.

In closing, always wear your seat belt. I always do. If I'm not wearing a seat belt I get a lot of anxiety and go through terrible scenarios in my head. That last statement can open a big ole can of worms, if you ask me. I hope nobody calls me on it. The explanation is much too much. Um, don't text a drive. Don't talk on the phone and drive. But mostly wear a seat belt and don't text and drive. I want to carry tennis balls in my bag so I can whip them out and throw them at the cars of people who are texting and driving. If I'm lucky, their window will be open and I can hit them in the face. I'm a good shot most of the time. Oh, and don't drink a drive, not even if you think you're cool to drive because you're probably not. Also, obey the speed limit, continually check mirrors, keep your eyes on the road, check blind spots when you must, and review the rules of the road if you aren't sure what they are. And use your blinker. Okay, thanks!

I am quite aware that cars aren't cool or necessary things to get people places, even though they're so affordable and abundant. They're giant death-machines and they will kill you. Anything can go wrong, you're not 100% in control. Do your part to help keep us all safe. Please.

In addition to being a ridiculously safe driver, I am a safe-sex advocate due to both disgusting birthrates and overzealous sexual infection. Switch it? No, I really do mean disgusting. Ugh!

I've been known to be a Buzzkillington due to my excessive responsibility. But I have no idea what people say about my behind my back about these pesky controversial ethics! I think, probably, they agree or they write me off because I'm so goddamned adorable.

Curse.

I work, smoke, and think about riding my bicycle

2010-12-02T03:14:00.000-08:00

I woke on ChaCha; I sit in my room all day long, rarely change my clothes, answering questions, about literally anything you can think of. Sometimes I slip a shower in there and maybe some food.

While working on ChaCha I watch Netflix, which is slim-pickings in terms of fantastic programming/great movies.

At times I will text people or call people but no, not really.

I will sneak outside for a smoke every few nights, while simultaneously enjoying the cold.

And then I think about riding my bicycle. That's about it. Completely drawn from society. But I bought a new coat OFF THE INTERNET from Target so I'm pretty stoked to have the opportunity to show it off soon. Woo.

I have these ideas

2010-09-29T06:14:00.000-07:00

And I try to remember them. I have them all of the time and eventually all I'm left with is the faint idea that I had a pretty good idea.

So I know this 30-something year old girl that is obsessed with Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus. She kind of scares me. You know what? Nevermind. I found a better idea.

I got fired from my job. Well, technically I didn't get fired. The bosses just stopped responding to my calls and texts. Well, our calls and texts. There's four of us, see. And we're really good friends right now, see. And since we're all really good friends, we're somehow considered a single entity. So because one thing happened, we're all fired. The four of us, best, most reliable workers. They can keep the scraps they threw at me. Rumor has it they've cooled down and want us back. One has already caved. I, however, am stubborn as hell. I also hold those that I respect to a higher order than regular people. Their actions were a direct betrayal to me. Christians are, by far, the worst people I've ever met, morally. They're very backwards in their thinking. Continue the poor experiences with Christians!

The reason is really, really stupid. And I'm still unclear on exactly what the reason is. I cannot fathom the logic in it.

So here's the meat and potatoes: I posted something on Twitter about their prodigal son, which was true and accurate and I was basically poking fun but also alluding to his blatant disgustingness regarding his habitual dating of underage girls. He got as upset as he normally gets, which is not at all because people talk shit to him all day long, but his mother. Wow. In her tiny little mind she became outraged, then I imagine shit-talking in her massive, overpopulated home amongst the overflow of people which dwell within. They're like dogs, really. One starts barking because they hear a slight, non-threatening disturbance, then they all start barking. Fucking moronic. And for what?! I have no idea. At all. I said absolutely nothing nobody else has ever said.

So, in all of this barking is what I imagine was assumption piled upon assumption. Single-sided. Completely. They still refused contact. Sound-mind adults would talk the problem out, right? Nope! They're cowards. I show them nothing but respect, do everything they ask of me as soon as they ask it, take their pennies and I don't complain. No fucking respect. I have better things to do than babysit their street team and bully regulars because the bossmen are too afraid of confrontation for the shit they paid me.

Wouldn't take it back if I could. Fuck this.

I'm currently watching the school children Los Angeles walk their way to school. Suckers.

I need a cigarette, some xanax, and a 40.

2010-09-09T08:37:00.000-07:00

I am neither held here by notions of being judged nor by fear of terrible places.

I am held here not because I look forward to tomorrow, of love, happiness, joy, opportunity, experience, bliss, life.

I am held here not due to unfinished business nor life goals.

I am held here because of arrogance and obligation to three.

All men, all of whom I love.

I wish not to burden them nor bring them Sorrow of any sort.

"What percentage of women shave their pubic area?"

2010-08-28T20:34:00.000-07:00

According to my research, which is varied and not really reliable, 50% to 80% of women shave or wax their pubic area completely. Women that shave partially and just trim have a split percentage, and the remaining 10% of women prefer to just leave it alone. I wanted to know because I am under the impression that most women do and I don't know for sure. I'm not even sure what my friends do with their situation and I'm not really interested in specifics. Just percentages.
It appears as though women are pressured by society into shaving certain areas of their body, whether it be her legs, armpits, or pubic hair. But I'm talking about pubic hair right now. Many would say that this is due to modern porn standards, the most popular, most commercial standards. This typically includes a completely shaven pussy and ass, usually with a bleached asshole. Some males view a non-bleached anus as dirty and disgusting, regardless of the actual hygiene of the woman. A partially-shaved woman, say, with a landing strip is viewed as clean and somewhat mature, less like the hairless vagina of a little girl. And lastly, there's the women in porn that let their bushes grow wild. More and more that type of "natural" woman is becoming more of a fetish, rather than a natural standard. Going further with that sort of "fetish", there's porn with "hairy" women who don't shave anything and let their leg, armpit, and pubic hair grow out completely. However, these "hairy" women are what ALL women look like when they don't shave.
Porn is mostly about visuals and some people prefer different things. It's fantasy. Judgments on cleanliness and amount of hair plays into women's insecurities. Some women want to be beautiful and they want to be sexy and they want to be accepted so they adhere to these types of hairless standards.

So what about me? What do I do? What do I like?

I take pride in my personal hygiene although my long-time partner says he doesn't really care. He says he doesn't care about what I shave but he teases me when I don't shave my legs or armpits. He really don't care about what I do with my pubic area but I've tried shaving it completely a couple of times over the years. In general it's painful and ridiculously itchy and definitely not worth it. I've been trimming closely since I was about fifteen. When my hairs were long I even bleached and dyed them red once when I was 16. I did it because I could and that was long before Fun Betty.
I trim mainly due to hygienic reasons. It's just easier for me to keep my vagina clean when the hair is less than 1/2". When it's shaven completely, my vagina feels wet most of the time and having a dry vagina is pretty important to the overall health of my pussy. Hair "down there" helps keep the moisture away from the skin.
I shave my arm pits for a similar reason. My Mother made it seems like it's something I absolutely have to do, with no explanation why when I first started to grow hair. I've always been lax about it but in general, I feel cleaner when it's all gone but again, I'm really lax about it.
I shave my legs at different intervals, usually at least once a month because mostly, I can't be bothered. There's really no use for it aside from the fact that it looks, well, hairless. I don't feel sexier or more feminine for doing it.
I've shaved my pussy but I hate it, it's too painful and too itchy. And the stubble is horrible! I trim because I like it. It's clean and neither painful nor itchy. :)

Shoulder problem part iii

2010-08-28T05:56:00.000-07:00

I went back to the Doctor a few days after I ran out of Naprosen. The pain was especially irritating and I could feel it radiating into my elbow. This doctor seemed to listen to what I was saying a lot more than the previous one. That was nice, I except that most of all. She actually recommended a non-prescription, non-chemical way to help with my pain in addition to the medication. She prescribed Naprosen again for day pain and Flexeril for night pain.

As a previous prescription drug user for recreational purposes, I decided to give the Flexeril a go around as soon as I stepped out of the office. It didn't kick in for about an hour. I awoke around 1pm and took the pill around 4pm. By 5pm I was already settled onto the bed watching YouTube videos, waiting for some kind of reaction. What I felt can only simple be described as extreme drowsiness combined with an equal amount of coziness. I was 100% relaxed and all I wanted to do was take off my clothes and cuddle up with a blanket to sleep. It felt amazing but at the same time disappointing because I didn't have the opportunity to fight the effects and stay awake. They completely overtook me. I slept for 4 hours, as it was basically a nap, then stayed awake until about 4am, and took another one so I can sleep. I resumed normal sleeping patterns and awoke around 1pm again but felt pretty lazy the rest of the day.

As for the effectiveness of Flexeril as taking it as prescribed, at night when I'm about to go to bed, it works excellent. And since I've started biking again, this was 3rd night in a row, it hasn't been hurting at all. I've only been taking the Naprosen after I first eat after I wake up, so only once a day for the past few days and I'm golden. I feel like the Flexeril made a difference in how I feel. The doctor explained that I might just have a muscle that just won't relax.

I also had an right scapula x-ray done as a just-in-case. The doctor also explained that if the problem persists they're going to inject a steroid into the muscle. I'm down for that now but she didn't want to have it done yet. She also recommended some nice massages and heat to be applied to relax it. It's been about five days and I'm feeling pretty good so far.

Had a fantastic time tonight, even with the drunk people

2010-08-28T05:37:00.000-07:00

When my friends get absolutely smashed, they annoy the shit out of me. We arrive at the gathering and it's fine. Generally, the mood is usually pretty timid at first then everybody loosens and lightens up as the alcohol makes its way into bodies. I mean, even if we arrive several hours after everybody has already been there. We, the people I run with, are known to liven shit up. Anyway, everything's cool and their silly little shenanigans are pretty amusing, at first. And I hardly ever drink. I get drunk maybe once every couple of months, even when we're gathering at my own house I don't partake that often. As time goes on their silly little shenanigans turn into fingers pressing my buttons. I feel like I'm amongst children and I am the one that needs to, not necessarily take care of them, but to quiet them down or tell them to stop being an asshole.

But my favorite thing at most parties is the time when there's either no more alcohol or everybody is way too drunk and the mood just turns bad. Girls start fighting with their boyfriends, people are crying, etc. That's my favorite because it's predictable and hilarious. Sad lives.

But tonight... tonight was good. We went for a 10 mile ride then drank beers in my garage and played a couple of word games and a pong game. And by "drank beers" I mean they drank beers. I had a V-8 Juice, yum. Then somebody brought out shrooms for a friend to try. Honestly, I'm down to try it but I don't do drugs with a certain person. Had he been removed from the situation I would have partook and I wanted to but not with him there. All in all, they were a dud. I heated up some vegetarian broccoli and cheese nuggets for everyone then indulged a new vegan and a couple of Morning Star Riblets for him. Those are amazing AND they're vegan. I'm a vegetarian but I prefer to eat vegan. I'm too attached to regular cheese right now but I am very, very gradually making my way over. My community isn't really vegetarian or even Kosher friendly and the grocery stores reflect it. I have to drive clear across town for Smart Dogs. Those are above-all my favorite.

He sat next to me the entire time and apologized for bumping my leg when he fidgeted in his chair. That was cute. I had trouble concentrating on what people were saying because all I could think about was jumping on top of him and kissing his face.

I'm terrible.

Statcounter roundup

2010-08-16T04:29:00.000-07:00

Worked, ate a burrito, won $5 from a scratcher, & then blamed for a dog bite

2010-08-16T04:02:00.000-07:00

I worked. Went to the taco bell on my way home with two friends. Ate on my car in the driveway in the middle of the night, then scratched some Lottery Scratchers, and won $5. I heard her go out, figured she was being nosey. The garage door opens and I hear my name being called. I don't know what's happening but she sounds pissed. I follow her into the kitchen and she's crying. She says to me, "I don't know what you're doing outside but I'm trying to sleep and," I don't even notice that she's holding a bleeding hand, "You're making all of the dogs bark. I went in the back to tie Sully up so I can sleep and he bites me!" I apologize and offer help. "Help with what?" She sounds offended! "Your wound." I reply, slightly befuddled because I don't know what else to do. She walks away crying and I say, "I'm sorry!" in a sincere, sort of confused, apologetic-type way. When I go to bed I hear her crying in her room. Uhhhhhhhh stfu

A. We were eating and scratching outside. Barely any conversation while we're eating. Only some comment on how we wasted our money on the losing scratchers but nothing uproareous in the least! The dogs bark all night anyway. The little one next door, the German Shepard two door down with the dachshund. And the two medium-sized whatevers across the street and two doors down. Plus our two dogs. Fuck. We're outside in that same area at the same time several times a night. Either I don't hear them barking or they got used to us being there. I know the little dachshund doesn't care about us anymore. The dogs continued to bark half an hour after I came inside.

B. Why the fuck is she blaming me and my friends? I know she doesn't like one of them but seriously, use your fucking brain. It's not MY fault the dog bit you. What did YOU do? That's the nicest dog I've ever seen, truly, and they don't bite for no reason. Come on. Why not blame the next door neighbor for having their dog outside tonight? I hardly ever hear it and I'm pretty sure it was leading the commotion.

C. She's a bitch. And the last time her dog bit her she had it murdered. And this is what pisses me off... The dog bites her and the next day she's leading the dog into the car, which it happily and willingly does, and she takes it to the vet, which it willingly does because it loves it's master and does what it's master wants. And she's bawling the whole time. She's leading the dog to it's death, and you know, because it has no idea what's going on it just does what it's told the whole time, completely unaware that it's about to DIE. She's leading the dog to it's death and SHE'S crying about it. Completely unnecessary and CRUEL. FUCKED UP.

D. In a perfect world she would have took responsibility for her own actions, whatever she did! And maybe asked me for help or something or said nothing and only mentioned it later in conversation, instead of yelling at me for the neighborhood dogs barking in her upset, fear, and rage, which lead to her situation. If she were a logical-type person this would have been the case.

In summation, her dog bit her. She's a bitch. I didn't do shit. I don't feel bad for her. I feel bad for the dog. I seriously hope she doesn't try to murder this one, too. I need to get the fuck out of here.

Confession from a woman concerning penis size

2010-08-08T04:05:00.001-07:00

To be fair, I've only had sex with two guys in my life so far.

The first, a normal-sized penis probably about five inches long on a good day although he had a fair amount of girth. He was also uncircumcised.

The second was a rather long, maybe about seven inches long, with not so much girth. It wasn't too thin, probably normal. He was circumcised.

Let me begin by saying that I'm not so much a fan of fellating circumcised penis'. It's largely due to the guy I'm currently with and only partially due to a lack of general hygiene in the area that can't really be avoided. I don't want it in my mouth, let alone sucking the bacteria or what-have-you out. I have no problems with semen, or cum if you will, taste or anything like that. I must confess, I am a swallower.

As for the sex, uncircumcised vs. circumcised doesn't matter to me. The only way you're going into my vagina with your penis, even for a second, is if you're wearing a condom. I have absolutely no desire to catch your diseases or become someone's mother. No thank you. Were I a bareback babe, I'd prefer a circumcised due to the aforementioned lack of hygiene reason. I don't care how it looks, however. Each man has a different-looking cock and I enjoy that. Plus, it's not really called "bumping uglies" for nothing!

As for the sex concerning size, which is why I'm posting this, well, honestly, truthfully, I prefer the short, thicker one definitely for pleasure. Honestly, the longer one was pretty uncomfortable most of the time, although we could do more positions with it. It wasn't anything to really complain about and it felt good in a way, but I prefer my sex as comfortable as possible. And some guys are into that sort of thing... hurting girls with their dicks...

The shorter, thicker penis feels awesome and the tip didn't stab my cervix like the other one did. Again, the positions are somewhat limited but there's no discomfort so I'm game. I am also a fan of him sticking it in as far as it'll go and rocking his pelvis on my pelvis. I wouldn't be able to do that with the other guy.

That's all for tonight. Cheers, you sexually repressed society! Remember, it's like a private diary except I don't care who reads it.

Progress on my minor condition

2010-08-07T05:34:00.002-07:00

It's been... some days since I went to the doctor about my pain situation, you can read about it here. 11 days, to be exact. It seems like more... Maybe the pills are still making me feel weird, like, altering my perception of time!

Nah.

After I worked on my bike, the next day my problematic area was sort of sore but mostly I noticed a general weakness throughout my right arm and hand, namely in my grip. That was disconcerting as, well, not being weak then being weak is sort of off-putting. It went away in the exact amount of time you'd recover from an overworked muscle. No problems there, at least nothing more than what I expected.

As for the pain itself in relation to the anti-inflammatories, it's working just as well as it had from the beginning if I keep my right arm useless. If I do with my right arm or hand, it's fine. No pain at all when I do go to do a minor task like text or drink a bottle of water. However, when I go back to doing normal tasks at work, for example tonight we rolled out some round tables and chairs for a wedding reception the following day, I can feel the pain coming back. It's not dissimilar to when I stripped my bike to paint it. Using the muscle causes pain. I can't imagine how bad it would be had I done these tasks without the prescription.

The pain is about as bad as it was when I wasn't taking the pills currently. And that's a problem. This pain is seriously interfering with my quality of life and I'm only mid-20's.

When I initially went, the doctor explained me that it's probably a sore muscle that never went away. Although that doesn't really make sense to me, I went with it. He went to medical school, I didn't, so I'm up for a little trial and error. He also said that if it didn't work completely in two weeks, to come back. Three more days. I'm going to do nothing with it for the next three days. Luckily, I have enough pills for about a week or more.

-killing time while my clothes wash, goodnight!-

drunk emo post

2010-08-03T03:25:00.000-07:00

In advance, my grammar and spelling is excellent whether or not I'm drink. Backspacing is constant, however.

"Let's go to my friend's party tonight!" - me

"No!" - stick in the mud

-fighting about it-

"I just want you to relax and do some fun stuff" - me

-stupid ass fight about stupid ass shit, turns into me crying and this stupid ass fool dropping me off at the party wherein everybody is asking me where he is.-

I got drunk... mostly because I could, only partially because of this problem I have. I turned off my phone and turned it on again to get directions, "I feel like an asshole, I'm sorry." Ignored. Thinking about single life again. I'm with a fucking boring ass fool that let's stupid ass shit affect him. Wished one guy had came, would have the made the night way better. Caught a ride with a friend. Felt bad because I didn't offer him money. I would have given him what I had but I need gas to drive myself to work tomorrow. Maybe I'll ask him for a ride tomorrow. Flirted with too many girl friends tonight. No appealing boys.

Honestly... I forgot what I was about to say. Wow. Aside from a pointless tiff that I don't give a fuck about anyway, I had a good night.

Oh, and I fucking suck at beer pong. And I feel physically unattractive when I drink. Goodnight, Internet!

Weekend road trip

2010-08-02T04:34:00.000-07:00

We headed North to & San Francisco. 6 hour drive one way.

Day 1: Woke at 3pm. Work at 6pm.

Day 2: Left work early to purchase additional supplies. Officially left this valley at about 3am. Drove, saw the sun come up, passed the "government created dust bowl" (I don't support this term or the criers crying about it currently), passed a couple of large cow farms (I don't support that either), etc. Fought the urge to fall asleep as a courtesy to the driver, who coincidentally would not show me the same courtesy had the situation been in reverse. Arrived at about 9pm in Stockton.

Desperately tried to go to sleep for at least an hour or two, it was not happening at all, so we stopped fighting and began our day instead. Off to Great America! Arrived there at about 12pm, I slept less than an hour on the ride there but it helped, A LOT. Payed for "preferred parking" but ended up finding a spot only slightly closer had we saved a few bucks and just went to regular parking.

Felt shitty but didn't let it stop me, nor did I let the sad-feelings guy we were with who didn't want to go on any rides because he had sad-feelings so we made him hold our stuff when we went on the rides. He's a giant stick in the mud and I'm trying not to allow his muddiness bring me down with him! Rode all of the rides and had a blast, despite "I'm too scared" girl and sad-feelings boy. Didn't officially feel tired until we got in the car to ride back. Fuck, that killed me! And again, as a courtesy to the driver, I did not fall asleep on the hour and a half ride back. Ate at Denny's in a delirium then promptly regretted the decision to eat. Coffee was good.

Day 3: Got back to the house and played cards until everyone stopped being weird about sleeping at a house that isn't their own and gave in to the tiredness, that took about an hour and a half. Spent another half hour watching a card rival that for some reason trumped sleeping. Fell asleep at about 2:30am.

Awoke about a dozen times because sleeping on a sleeping bag on a floor kind of sucks but all in all it wasn't too bad. Awoke another dozens times because I kept hearing these other four assholes talking. Too lazy to get up so I actually woke up at 12pm, and last of course. Got ready and headed to San Francisco. By the way, that $5 Bay Bridge toll in is kind of disgusting.

Headed straight for Fisherman's Wharf, parking was disgusting, wished we brought our bikes like we originally planned (stick-in-the-mud's fault we didn't). Checked out the touristy sights in that vicinity that didn't cost anything, like browsing the shops and looking at the sea lions, got coffee, then left back to the house to pick up our stuff and drop off our host. Said our goodbyes and thanks and off we went.

Day 4: Headed back home to this terribly hot place. Arrived a bit ago, as in I got here, changed my clothes, and immediately started to write this and instantly post.

Closing thoughts: Had fun, wished stick-in-the-mud wasn't such a stick-in-the-mud so we could do more things, tortured myself probably for nothing, wished we had more spending money, and decided that I want to live in San Francisco. Made plans to go back at least once soon, if not move there, to tour Alcatraz and see the Aquarium and whatever else. Tired. Sleep. Now. Goodnight!

Work tomorrow. At least it's grindcore and I really like this band.

So, I went to see a doctor & then worked on my bike

2010-07-30T02:38:00.001-07:00

I have had this pain in my back for literally about six months. It's located somewhere between my shoulder blade and spine, although it's not spine related. It's more of a right arm-related pain, caused by who knows what. Whilst Googleing "back muscles" I came to the conclusion that the pain is generally centralized in the "rhomboideus major" region (pictured). God, I love medical illustrations!

Six months of this shit. I don't know how it started but it was damned uncomfortable at first. I was fine with it for a few months, it just felt sore and I'd ask for a massage every few days, which temporarily took care of the problem. When that was not as effective, I tried stretching and such. As of late, massages no longer work at all and OTC medicines hardly work. I started to become consistently grouchy and depressed because of the constant pain and lack of general usefulness. Lifting my anything, even a cell phone to check the time hurt, forget texting or making a phone call, or scratching the back of my head, throwing a piece of paper in the garbage, or anything that involved lifting or moving my right arm caused me pain. Very grumpy and substantially depressed. I stopped even using my right arm for anything, it basically became a useless appendage. And forget yawning! By the end of the day I'd be hurting enough but put yawning on top of that and it hurt unbearably for a few seconds when my chest expanded. I can't replicate the feeling though, I legitimately have to be yawning.

So, I went to see a doctor. I described my situation and he prescribed an anti-inflammatory and said if it didn't help in two weeks to come back.

That was about three days ago. The first time I took it, well, I got a little fucked up, but the pain went from a sort of a stabbing, sucky pain to more of a burning, slightly dulled pain. Now it's sort of a warmish pain, dulled, but still there most of the time. I think the pain is down about %55 to %65, leaving about 35% to 45% of the pain still there presently.

I also felt well enough to work on my road bike today, a 1984 Nishiki, which involved removing all of the parts to paint over the stock paint of the frame and fork. I also cleaned everything and put on new cables/housing, put on a different crank and rear derailleur, and tightened/half-assedly trued the front wheel. I spent nearly the entire day on it and nearly finished it. I need to replace the front tube, adjust the brakes, and adjust both derailleurs then I'm good to go.

I painted the frame flat white and the fork flat black, but only because I ran out of flat white and was way too lazy to go to the store. I wasn't sure about it at first but the black fork looks pretty good when it was all put together. I have flat black rims with black tires, black seat, black handlebar tape, black cable housing, and black water cage. Everything else is chrome. It looks great. But I'm not proud of myself yet, I need to adjust everything and take it for nice, long ride to be satisfied. I also got the new white paint dirty already with my greasy, black finger prints. Oh well!

Oh and all of this only made my back/shoulder situation slightly more uncomfortable. I'm just hoping work tomorrow doesn't create a bigger problem. I think I'll have to go back. When the pills run out I'm almost certain the problem will come back.

And on an awesome note, my blood pressure and heart rate was fantastic. Bicycling = awesome. One of my major goals currently is to start and finish a century ride. My current minor goal is to participate in at least one Critical Mass in Los Angeles.

Dates

2010-07-25T10:48:00.000-07:00

I'm so bad with dates. After a while I just stop keeping track. Two of the questions I'm asked most often is, "How long have you been tattooing?" and "How long have you had dreads?" If I have some sort of reference I can remember. Like, I've known my best friend for 11 years this September or October. I can remember this because I met him at the beginning of high school. I can remember the dates I went to high school because I graduated in 2004, so I met him in 2000.

I can remember that I got my dreadlocks in October of... a year that I had a band and we played the biggest show I've ever played. I remember the bands, I remember the flyer, I remember it happening, but I can't remember the year exactly. I have an idea but I don't know how true it is. I also remember the month I started tattooing. It was at the end of April. That's it, no other reference. But thanks for gmail, I can remember when these things happened. I have emails which relate to both events.

And because I now know these dates, I can remember them both by connecting them. I started tattooing and then got dreadlocks six months later. Ta-da!

Uh oh, feeling the ageing process. Speaking of which, hopefully I'm going to go to the doctor about my defective shoulder/back pain on Monday. Until then, I'm trying to decide what to tell them. In my experience, Doctors form their opinion of your problem in the few seconds they take to listen to you talk about it. Sort of like first impressions, you form your opinion of someone almost immediately solely based on the fact that they currently exist. So I'm trying to decide exactly which words I should use to convey the desperation I'm beginning to feel due to my condition. In short it sucks. Words that come to mind: pain, radiating pain, frustration, discomfort, and grumpy/depressed because I'm constantly in pain, frustrated, and uncomfortable. But I don't want to use the word "depressed" exactly for fear of being instantly prescribed zoloft. Shit. I need to work on it more.

I love riding my bike!

2010-07-22T05:01:00.001-07:00

We rode 26 miles tonight. It was awesome. I mean, there's times when you'd rather die than keep going, as with any type of exercise, but when you look back at it, it was fun. I went from no exercise at all whatsoever, complimented by absolutely no interest in exercise at all whatsoever, to the occasional hike that killed me every time, to riding 26 miles and being excited about it.

I also really enjoy the progress. I remember one of the first times I rode. I had an amazingly hard time going 1/4 of a mile, probably even less, at a slight incline. I thought I was going to die! My lungs were working at 100%, my heart was beating out of my body, and by the time I reached my mark I had a pretty intense side cramp from the heavy, open mouthed breathing. Now every time I fly past that area I laugh to myself.

We went riding with a couple we know, it was their first time riding a bike since they were kids, just like the rest of us when we started. The guy did okay, he occasionally hits the gym, but the girl was complaining. Mostly about her ass hurting. We went riding with another couple we know the next night. The guy did surprisingly well, and I'm not really sure why because he's obese and not active as far as I know. The girl did so much worse. We were just taking them on our "warm-up" ride of 10 miles. Halfway to the halfway point, she needed to stop and throw up. And her heart rate was waaay up there. But she was gracious about it and kept going.

Three of the guys today said they threw up in their mouths a bit and swallowed it on the way. One was a little drunk though. I don't understand it. I've never worked so hard that I had to throw up or even been close to throwing up. Getting dizzy, sure. Dizzy to the point where I might just pass out, pretty close. That that was while I was working on going up an intense ass uphill. But throwing up? Never.

In fact! I can only recall three and a half times throwing up since puberty (I can't recall throwing up prior to puberty at all). 1) I was 15 years old and way too high. Threw up out of no where for no reason. That scared the shit out of me and I haven't been able to smoke weed since then, seriously. 2) I was 17. Fingers were being shoved down my throat in a fetish type situation and I asked him to stop and he wouldn't so I threw up a little. Funny if anything. 3) I was 19 and I ate some bad brushetta. Felt nauseous, went to the kitchen to get some anti-nausea medicine, ended up vomiting in the kitchen and nearly shitting myself. Never touched brushetta since then. 3.5) I'm 23. We were playing this game where six of us split and line up, three on each team. Each person gets two beers. We take turns chugging a beer as fast as we can, one at a time from each time; 1st, 2nd, then 3rd. Then the 3rd person has to drink their second beer and it continues back to 2nd, then back to 1st. The first 1st person on a team to finish their beer wins. Guess what? I was the 3rd person who has to chug two whole cans of beer as fast as I can one after the other and I'm not famous for chugging beers. I chug the first beer no problem then do my best with the second. Luckily the other team's 3rd was worse than I was. I slam the second beer down and turn around to throw up all the foam. It was just foam so I only count it as a half. I guess throwing up is just not in the cards for me. I couldn't even make myself vomit on a sea-sick filled boat trip that made me wish I was dead.

I don't even really think about the exercise/calories burned aspect that much. I can figure out what I'm burning if I stop to think about it but mostly it's fun for me and it gives me something to do with my friends. The weight loss is only a small bonus, although I'm pretty good being a fat chick but a healthy, chubby chick is even better.

I got this sweet cycling GPS app for my iPhone and created a sweet DIY iPhone handlebar bike mount for it. Look forward to those blogs.

And since I've been asked: I currently ride a gold 1984 Nishiki Olympic that I found on craigslist for $120. The guy was asking $150. It was in good condition. It needed new tubes/tires above all. Everything else worked fine for the time being but I sprang for new brake rubbers and handlebar tape. Even the cables were good, I just tightened them and adjusted the derailleurs. I also realized a bit later that the crank was crooked and it looks like right side of the bike is scuffed. Now that I have some experience with old road bikes, I can negotiate my way around them and I had I known better I wouldn't have paid that much for it. I was wiser buying this one, but next time, I'll know even more.

I also realized that I hate presta valves and all they are is a pain in my ass.

Art:

2010-07-19T05:28:00.000-07:00

High hopes: I'm pretty good at it, I will admit.

Unfortunate: Although I lack creativity most often.

Truth: I've grown to despise it through "have to"'s.

Continuing truth: Although the aforementioned loathing has been slowly subsiding over the years.

More unfortunate: I cannot continue to grow because I lack creativity.

Arguement: It's not a self-esteem issue or down-trotting of one's abilities.

Because: See "High hopes".

However: Due to plans of a gallery showing, I've been thinking a lot about it. Art.

It has been a four-letter word for me for some time. What is art anyway? What's the big deal? I've always been able to do this. And I know I'm not the best. At the time, I don't even think it's very good. Whatever I've doing, it's 'whatever' and I generally have no feelings about it. I'm sick of working on it and seeing it. It's only until now, several years later that I appreciate it and wonder what others have wondered. How did I do that?

I know that I can do it now, again, probably with a degree of improvement, although I'm still slightly in awe of myself. Did I really do this? I only vaguely remember it. Like, I was a memory implanted into my brain. There's no emotional pull. There's a hazy memory of where I was when I did it, often. More often than that is the memory of seeing it finished and knowing that I did it. No more. No process, no ideas, no sketches, no outlines. Just that I did it and I remember seeing it. No more.

So next door to where I work there's an art thing, performance, visual, dance, plays, music, etc. The woman that runs it is a bitch and that really has nothing to do with what I'm saying but I just wanted to say it. There hasn't been art for some time and the city would like to see it back there. There's an idea of an art class being thrown around but an art gallery is the main idea.

One of my friends is taking the initiative to pull it together. So I began to think of what I'd like to put in. His theme is tattoo flash. Mine is, well, it's nothing right now. I feel consistently uncreative so I decided to pull out my old work because I couldn't sleep, as it so often happens.

I looked through dozens of paintings and sketches, which date from eleven to four or five years ago. Two of the pieces were featured in art galleries, although I'm not really a fan of that type of... recognition. I don't care for my pieces at the time so it means very little to me and I wonder why anybody would want to see it.

I saw so many things I've completely forgotten about and it's amazing to see these things. I pulled out the ones I thought were most interesting to show my art-appreciating friends. But it all feels juvenile. If I were to redo these pieces, which subjects would I choose? Would they look better or worse? And I'm half-planning to use my friends as judges as to whether or not to frame the pieces I chose to put in the gallery.

I'm experiencing a very vague inspiration to creative something new. I'm sure it will pass. I still consider art a chore, rather than an enjoyable process, otherwise I'd probably try to sell it.

My favorite analog medium is pen/ink, followed by oil, acrylic, and watercolor. Although I think I'm best at acrylic. Although I'm not sure anybody can pull me away from the art of tattoo. My favorite tattoos to look at are traditional and full color portraits. My favorite to do is traditional, floral, and lettering. But I'm best at black and grey overall. I'm pretty good at everything else. I'm capable but I look forward to some more than others.

Like, this woman wanted to get these stupid, large, full-color computer generated Pixar characters. I thought it was stupid and I almost canceled on her ass and I would have were it not for the fact that she was going to pay well. I slyly steered her away from it, partially because she was concerned about pain and what she wanted was going to take about 8 hours over two sessions, so we went for something more traditional/floral. A simple, medium-sized wrap around the ankle type deal with some lettering. That's more my speed. She chickened out after the outline of the first rose and name. I convinced her to continue so I can at least stick some shading in it and she said she had had enough. I laughed, her friend called her a pussy, and I told her to let me know if and when she wanted me to maybe finish it. It looks pretty good though. She was definitely one of my worst clients so far pain-wise but she was nice. I'd grab a couple of beers with her. I love to tattoo. Everything else is a chore.

Art. art. art.

Can't sleep... thinking about a boy

2010-07-10T08:06:00.000-07:00

I saw him for the first time in at least a month. We text occasionally... or, rather, I text him occasionally when I think about it and also have something to say to him. He texted me yesterday, which made me really happy just because I've mostly been texting him lately, and he asked if he could bum a cigarette off me. Then I knew it, he's coming to the show. I joked and told him I quit and then, well I can't really remember, but he said he was coming!

I feel weird when I realize that I've been the one initiating the electronic conversation. I'm usually the one that doesn't hit anyone up, they come to me. Their texts are always welcome but I just don't really think or care to talk to them unless I really, really like them. Like them as in crush on them as well as really, really enjoy their friendship at the moment.

Anyway, he called me when he got there, I think, and I was just pulling up to park. I was excited that he called me and answered my phone immediately, I saw him standing in the front smoking a cigarette, on the phone with me as I pulled up. I said I saw him and hung up. I was with a friend who doesn't know I'm almost in love with this guy so I took my time and nonchalantly strolled over with the frozen yogurt I picked up before arriving. She went her own way. I didn't know what I was going to say to him. Formally, in our electronic conversations, we talked about movies mostly and discussed common pleasantries like how we are and how work is and whatnot.

It doesn't really help that I'm almost socially retarded. I don't know what to say to people, I never really refined that skill, so I think I end up seeming weird or shy. I'm not shy. Shy implies a fear. I'm not afraid, I just have no idea what to say to people, mostly I don't care, but it sucks because I want to talk to this guy for hours! I just don't know what to say. I want to captivate him with verbal finesse and whisk him away and... whatever.

So we walked toward each other and met in the middle, he was with a mutual friend, they were both high off their asses, and I gave him a super tight hug with one hand, as I had frozen yogurt in the other hand. Hah. He hugged me amazingly tight and I smiled and said, "I missed you!" He said, "I missed you, too!" and then I hugged/greeted our other friend. Wait no, that friend didn't come by until a minute later. Anyway, I struggled to find things to say, I went on about my frozen yogurt and how good it was and about a fight that happened at one of the the other shows and about the bike rides I've been going on. I don't know. I just had to keep myself from staring at his face excessively or smiling too much. More severely, I also had to keep myself from tackling him. I missed him so much!

We walked to the front together and uhhh, had more awkward moments. He talks as softly as I do. And one weird thing about him is that I don't really mind when he's high. I formally despised hanging around high people but his highness doesn't bother me. Well, I mean, one thing that makes me unsure about is whether or not he's flirting with me back or if he's just high. hmmm

Don't know. Neither of us should be flirting with each other but I haven't felt like this about a person since I was a freshman in High School! It's an amazing, nervous, excited feeling. But it's also somewhat frustrating. Does he feel the same way? It's so hard to tell! I want to spend hours upon hours with him but tonight did not permit that. I was working so I only barely saw him. When I did go on my one break, I tried to find him but I think he was watching the band or in his/a car because I couldn't find him.

In the middle of the show he asked if I had a cigarette. I told him to go buy a pack for me, because I was working, and he said he's too high. I made him pinky promise that he'd go later. Honestly, it was a reason to touch his hand. I didn't really care if he was going or not. He came back ten minutes later and asked for the money. I gave him extra for gas but he ended up buying me an Icee instead with the extra money I gave him, which was amazingly thoughtful! I love Icees and he remembers that about me and thought about me enough to bring me one. :)

Again, I wanted to finesse him with my fantastic verbal skills all night but I don't possess that kind of luxury so I ended up pretty unsatisfied with my night. His "best friend" was leaving, who he probably was going to hang out with, and I hate that asshole, so he left sort of early, and we gave each other tight hugs and said bye. I would have tagged along, if that's what they were doing, but like I said, I hate that asshole. I wanted to text him later and tell him, "Drive safe" or "We should hang out more often" or "It was nice seeing you" but nothing was satisfying enough so I left it as that, nothing. I'm also a chicken.

And then I spent parts of the rest of my night hoping he'd stop by my house on his way home and call me and tell me to come outside but that's like... way too bold and extremely wishful to think. Maybe I'll see him tomorrow, or today rather? I don't know. I can only hope but I'm doubting it. I can also only hope to think of better things to say!

2g Septum Stretch

2010-07-09T03:09:00.000-07:00

I had a 4 gauge and I pulled on it a lot for about a week and left the silicone plug in the entire time, hoping to stretch it out a bit, enough to make my next stretch easier. Well, I expected to sit and slowly ease the lubed (water-based personal lubricant) 2g taper in for a few minutes but I was able to get it through quickly, with a less intense burning sensation than expected. Totally psyched.

Two days later it was irritated so I did a sea salt soak because that usually helps. On the third day I decided to take it out and clean it because it was irritated to the point where I could feel it hurting slightly without putting pressure on it. I contributed the soreness and pain to the fact that my nose kept getting bumped for various reasons and the plug was too long, so my nose was putting pressure on it. Removing it was a bad idea, I didn't have any other jewelry with me so I left it out for a day, hoping it would retain it's size or least shrink down once. Two days after taking it out I had to wear a 6g. I did that for a couple of days, until there was no pain or irritation. I have a sensitive stretched septum piercing. I can't even wear metal in it anymore. Silicone, rock, or acrylic for me. I can't wear horn for more than a day, as well.

I then tried to stick a 4g taper through. It was a no-go so I went straight for PTFE tape over a straight, less long, 6g plug. I taped up to about inbetween sizes, a 5 gauge if you will, and stuck it through with the aid of lube. Next day no problems so I proceeded to wrap up until a 4g. Next day no problems so I proceeded to wrap up until a 3g. Kept it in for two days, just in case, and wrapped up to a 2g. Everything was awesome so I kept in another 2g no-flare plug in for two or three days, hoping to have it loosen enough to stick a silicone plug through it. I was able to make it work but it hurt. Kept that plug in for a few days and took it out, mostly to see if I could do it/clean it. I've been doing that for a couple of days. It's getting easier to pull out.

So far this has been my most problematic septum stretch to date. Still a bit sore on one side so I'm taking it really slow now. I like how a 2g crescent looks because it's too big for my nose so it makes my nose look smaller and somehow cuter. I don't know about stretching it any bigger. I kept my 4g in for about a year. It kept stretching out to the point where my plugs would fall out every time I slept so I'd have to leave it out for about a day so it can shrink down. Glad I'm at a 2g. I love silicone plugs. They're not earskins, they're the other double-flare kind. I've got them for my lobes, too. I'm going to wear my crescent to work tomorrow. I love it.

Now thinking about getting Dahlia piercings (labret studs at the corners of the mouth).

It's sort of funny to me when I'm out of town, you know doing really cool things, and people say to me, "Oh! Your septum is gauged (I know, I know)! How big is it? I've never seen anyone with a gauged septum before!" It's funny because I can think of about eight or nine people with stretched septums. Smallest is 8g, most are 4g's and 2's, one was a 00, and the biggest is a nearly half-inch, but I haven't seen that guy in a while so it could be 1/2" by now. He wears a white plug and works in the drum department of Guitar Center. It's clearly visible but I'm sure some people don't know what it is, haha. Not including myself, only two of them are girls. And one guy wears a 10 but I didn't count him. I also didn't count myself and I can also think of some random punk guy I see but have never spoken to. Didn't count him either. Wow, that's pretty excessive. The 1/2" guy said he wanted to pierce and stretch something nobody ever does but... apparently there's some sort of fever set in here. I don't regularly hang out with any of these people. In fact! Most of my friends that I see regularly are pretty boring. I think I'll blog about them later.

And I just realized that I haven't listened to music at all lately. It's been murdered for me. See previous posts about band betrayal and dream killings.

Friday night ride

2010-06-26T04:57:00.001-07:00

We biked about 25 miles tonight. We started out with 9 (9 miles), then it slowly dwindled to 8 (9.5 miles), 7 (15 miles), then 4 (25 miles). Coincidentally, we all live within a mile-radius of each other with the exception of two (of 11 so far that go on various occasions, we've never all gone at once but the idea of that sounds awesome). Those two drove, I'm not sure where they live.

It was one BMX, 5 road bikes, two fixies, and my stupid-ass mountain bike. My road bike is in the shop and I talked to the guy today. Well, today was the 4th day it's been there and he said I'd probably have it Saturday or Sunday. I'm not pissed about the length of time anymore because I know it's going to turn out awesome. I also don't want to talk about the price either... so hopefully that's worth it. Common-sense wise and dollars & cents wise it's not, but sentimentally/attachmentally it's probably worth it. I hope. We'll see.

A cop car rolled by and paced next to me. I looked over and greeted him. I thought he was going to bitch about us riding in the middle of the street, going the opposite direction of the road, which we only were because we saw a car, his car, coming up behind us so everyone moved over. He didn't. He said hi back and asked where we were headed. I told him where and that we were getting exercise and he said it sounded like fun. Then we parted ways at the intersection. That cop was cool.

15 miles yesterday, 25 today. My ass hurts. And I want my road bike back. :(

OH and the entire time we went west, the wind was against us. 10 mph winds. Fuck.

Best thing I've been doing lately: Biking

2010-06-25T03:14:00.001-07:00

It all started with a young man with a friend who liked to steal bikes and sell them for cheap. I mean, honestly... He got us two bikes and they were pieces of shit that needed replacement parts. Neglected bikes that we sitting outside for a long while. Mountain bikes, $10 each. We thought it was as hilarious as it was shifty. But okay, let's move on.

Then we started to talk about road bikes. I didn't understand what the hype was at first, I figured a bike was a bike and there was too much of a hipster mentality. With more research on the subject, as I was 100% green (I think the last time I had ridden a bike was when I was under 10, when they implemented a helmet law that I didn't think was cool so I stopped riding), I decided that a road bike was for me. I checked craigslist every day, several times a day for a local one. Late one night I found it! It was amazing and I wanted it right away. I fell asleep anxious and awoke to a text message from him. We met at a Starbucks parking lot and I bought it for $100 cash, his asking price and I didn't even try talking him down because I was stoked.

The bike has been spray-painted over the original color, no decals/stickers/labels. Actually, looking back on it, it was about a restoration never finished. The bike, as I was told, was a Schwinn Sprint from the 80's. It's not the fanciest and looking back on it again, I got ripped off. It's nice looking but not worth $100, especially since it wasn't even complete. It needed handlebar tape, new brake cables, new gear cables, new tires, and a serious tuneup. I am a do-it-yourself kind of person and this was my first bike. I attack the cables only to realize that the rear brake caliper was fucked up and useless. The rear derailer was also missing a small piece so I couldn't even attack the cables. The other derailer was misaligned and I couldn't figure out how to fix it so I with those problems in mind I decided to take it to the shop, figuring it would take about a day or two. Tomorrow's day four and I'm trying not to think about it. I miss my bike!

For a while I was riding single-speed-style with one front brake. Since this week was a busy work week I figured I wouldn't miss my new bike much. I love that bike but I know I'm putting way too much money into it, maybe about $200-$230 total, including purchase price and tuneup. I'm also putting second brake levers on it because those are sweet. I've learned a lot so far. I was the second/third to get a road bike, since then four more road bikes have been purchased with a couple of friends looking. Total, there's about 11 of us who go on varying rides. Tonight there was 7 of us, last time there was maybe five. Our rides usually start at around 10/11pm. But don't worry, we've got our lights and nobody is really out at that time anyway. We also frequent rural-ish roads and scream cautious things at each other like, "Car!" and "snake!". There really hasn't been a snake but we will probably run into one in the road eventually. Actually, we found some kitties living in some bushes tonight. They were fucking adorable and it took everything in me to not just take one and ride my ass the five miles home with it.

Since I experimented with servicing my bike, I began working on friend's road bikes that they just bought. Cleaning them, adjusting them, new cables, new tires, new tubes, new tape, painting, etc. And for some damn reason their shit comes out awesome while I can't figure my own bike out and have to take it to a shop. Extremely stupid. I still need those new tires so I'm going to see about getting white walls tomorrow.

Which reminds me, my friend bought a 70's Schwinn Continental today and it's SO HEAVY. It's really, really clean, all Schwinn-Approved parts, and it looks awesome but it's so damn heavy compared to everybody else. He got a good deal, too. I like my bike the best, though. The entire frame is off-white with flat black rims, all black tires, black cable housing, black handlebar tape, and a black seat. No stickers/decals/plates. Those white walls are going to set it off nasty though. Can't wait to get it back.

We've been riding a lot lately, the first couple of rides were 10-mile. Tonight's was about 15 miles but we had to stop and turn back because one of our riders, of the 7 of us, got a flat and nobody brought any of the essentials. We didn't want to leave this man behind to walk his bike home. On the way back, one of us ate shit on the pavement out of nowhere due to a chain slipping. Hilarious. And he's okay.

Our next planned ride is supposed to be tomorrow, 15 miles to work at around 2pm and 15 miles back around 12am. I don't think it's going to happen though, it's going to be too hot. We'll probably do a 20 mile ride in a couple of days. It's the most fun I've had in a long time. It's stress-free, fun, and there's the benefit of exercise as well. It beats what we did prior to this, hang out at a friend's house and get drunk every night. That got old pretty fast.

Currently loving my life for the first time... probably ever.

Hiking in the valley

2010-06-18T03:05:00.000-07:00

About a month ago my friends and I started hiking. It started with a friend asking if I wanted to meet some of their friends and hike through a designated woodland-ish area of the valley, I agreed. He said it wasn't intense or anything and that his friends were stoners so they probably weren't even going to walk that far. I agreed. Prior to this I loathed exercise in any form. I don't have a problem parking far-ish away from a store and having to walk, rather than obtaining a parking space right up front and I take the stairs rather than escalators/elevators but aside from that, no exercise for me. I remember it, from school of course, to be torturous and unnecessary and horrible.

I wasn't prepared for this hike, I was wearing a sweater and a full-length skirt and caring a messenger bag filled with who-knows-what-that-probably-weighs-at-least-10-lbs. I was good about 3/4 of the way, aside from it being hot, but for the last quarter the hike was largely uphill and I was having a not so easy time breathing.

But it was all good, I'm on a diet so the fact that I was burning calories fared well with me. We went back a few times after that, more prepared.

The last two hikes I went on were a new place, which was rumored to be intense but I was ready for it. Since my first hike I bought some athletic shoes and figured out some work-out clothes, which was pretty hard considering I only wore shorts or sweatpants to bed, with skirts being my only outerwear. So I got the attire situation on lockdown, I was feeling pretty cocky.

First time at this new place, I felt like I was going to die. I don't know what it was, maybe I wasn't ready for it or something but 1/2 mile in I felt like SHIT. I was uncomfortable everywhere, I was grumpy, couldn't breathe, the back of my legs, under my calves were BURNING, and my stomach ached. I wanted to cry, I felt terrible. We headed back. That short hike was all uphill.

Second time I was definitely ready. When I'm doing shit like this I need focus. No mp3 player, no talking. If I fall behind I don't even want to see anybody waiting ahead for me, it'll piss me off and breaks my concentration. I stare at the ground and just go, focusing on my breathing. I break when I feel like it, catch my breath, and move on. I usually keep going until my legs feel like they're largely composed of wet noodles. If I keep going after that, I'm going to overwork myself and not want to move for a few days. I'd do it every day if I could.

So, on this second time, like I said I was ready. I walked my own pace, stopped when I felt like it, didn't overwork myself, and made it, entirely uphill, to the 1.5 mile marker. I could have kept going but it was getting dark and everybody wanted to head back. I was grumpy and out of breath, but damned proud of myself. The walk back down was pretty ridiculous, all down hill, and it killed my shins. I jogged some of it but I'm not fond of jogging yet. Baby steps.

On the first trails, old people regularly take them and that's a huge motivation for me. If these white-haired retirees and their probably old-as-fuck dogs can do it, so can I. On the second trail, the oldest person I saw was probably under 55. The second trail would be so much better if there was old people on it but I think it's too intense for them.

Getting dramatic, I want everyone to think I'm dead

2010-06-09T20:30:00.000-07:00

I never really talked to many people that much anyway but I've legitimately been depressed lately and I want everyone to think I'm dead. I have been replying to texts, unless it's absolutely necessary, I haven't update Twitter, been on MySpace, and have been flaking on my clients for the last two days. I could use the money but fuck it, I can barely even get out of bed.

Lately I've been focusing on my Native American heritage, tracing my lineage back to the Indian Census rolls of 1885-1940. They are incomplete and annoying to look through, especially considering they weren't even typed or alphabetically ordered until about the middle. Reading other people's old-time handwriting is annoying.

Wow, what's more annoying is listening to my Mom yell at people. Shit.

I've also been riding my new acquired mountain bicycle around, which kills my ass but I'm hoping things will get better. I went for a 7:30am ride today for about a mile. I'm new to it, and exercise in general, so I did kill myself a bit until I realized on the way back that I was pedaling uphill the whole way up. It was uphill enough that you could feel it but couldn't tell unless you were looking and I wasn't looking. I was focusing on breathing. hah.

Bikes have been taking my mind off the fact that my best friend is really a selfish asshole and the fact that I have no real, actual friends. I know a lot of people, I've spent time with a lot of people, I get along with almost everybody, I've been generous to a lot of people, but any texts or calls I get from people lately is because they want something other than my friendship, like a favor or information about something. Nobody asks to hangout. Fuck them all.

I'm looking to buy a road bike. I love road bikes. I've been looking on craigslist and it appears everyone here doesn't want to sell theirs. I'd have to drive at least 45 minutes to pick one up for $100-200, which is basically what my budget consists of at the moment. I also want to save up for an iPhone 4. Early upgrade is $399 or $499, I can't remember nor do I care to look. I love my 3g, which I bought for $99 w/ contract about six months ago, but the iPhone 4 is absolutely mouthwatering. Gotta have it. No, need it. And I'm not really that materialistic.

So, I'm trying to drop off the face of the Earth so people think I'm dead. Fuck 'em.

I've got a crush on a young man

2010-06-07T14:24:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's because I don't really hang out with people my age... I don't know. I don't really show a preference for age. Since becoming single I've been looking at people a little differently and I welcome advances rather than snub them away. Situations to flirt have become one of my new favorite things, as I now don't feel guilty about it anymore. Haha!

This young man in particular, who is six years younger than I am, is quite handsome. As cliche as it sounds, he's tall, dark, and handsome. I love how tall he is, how he's got meat on his bones, and his build in general. I love his smile, his hugs, and his voice. I love that he smokes cigarettes. He's relatively smart, isn't really self-conscious, and he's definitely, and above all a gentleman. He's also pretty generous, to me at least, and I have been the same to him. He's hispanic, with a very slight accent and although that heritage in particular doesn't hold any preference at all. I live in Southern California, everybody is Hispanic. Although he's 3/4 of my age, I've never seen him as a child or treated him as such.

I remember first talking to him. I watched his band practice and he asked me for a tattoo. I did it and when I was holding his arm, I remember feeling that it was quite muscular. I have a thing for big arms, although I didn't feel any sort of affection for him then. To be quite honest, I thought he was just another scene kid in a grindcore band. Being in a band doesn't hold any significance for me either, in fact it can definitely be a turn off. I've been in bands and I know what goes on. It's a big money sucking wad surrounded by stress but I miss the hell out of it.

In the two and a half years that I've known him we've never had an ill-willed disagreement or fight, that I can remember at least. I've seen him extremely happy and I've seen him not so. I've seen him go through three or four girls, all of which I was extremely jealous and I think at least a few people picked up on it, haha. I haven't seen him in at least a month and I really, really miss him. I want to tell him that I miss him or try and see if he wants to hangout but sad to say, I'm a pussy. He lives about an hour away and neither he nor I have transportation. Due to some really stupid circumstances he hasn't been coming here anymore so I'm just hoping that gets patched up so I can see him again. Dramatically, if I never see him again I will always think of him highly. I just wonder how he feels about me... I haven't had a really long while. Feels fantastic but sad to say I think that's all it's going to be, just a futile crush. But I'm fine with it.

Is that a bottle of piss sitting on your desk?

2010-06-05T01:57:00.001-07:00

Yes, I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom so I peed in a bottle. Word to the wise: If you're a chick and you want to urinate in a bottle, useful in situations where you can't use a bathroom or pop a squat behind a bush or something, like if you're on a long car ride, this is very doable.

How to pee in a bottle, a quick guide for the ladies:

You're female, you should know where your urethra is located in your vaginal area. If not, I included a picture, excuse the wild bush. Your urethra is between the opening of the vagina and your clitoris, the smaller hole...

http://www.gynaeonline.com/

Anyway, spread your lips using one hand using your first two fingers in a V-shape. Locate your urethra and put the end of the bottle under your urethra and (now this is where I made sort of a mistake as it was my first time peeing in a bottle) leave a small gap of space so that the air in the bottle can escape while you fill the bottle with your urine. It's very easy, no spillage, and keep a tissue on hand as to avoid dribble down the bottle or down your leg and to take care of any unwanted liquids in the vaginal area. Simple. Now, cap that bottle and set it aside so you or anyone doesn't drink it by mistake in dim or dark situations.

Yeah, that's something useful to use on long road trips where the driver's a dick and won't let you use the restroom or for whatever reason, such as pissing in someone's drink because you hate them. Evil deeds are sometimes necessary.

What evil deed have you done today? I squirted my friend in the crotch and ass area with a water gun to make it looks like he pissed himself.

I'm afraid to get a job... or I'm too arrogant and think I'm worth more

2010-06-04T01:54:00.000-07:00

I can't decide. I typed in "I'm afraid to get a job" in Google about a half hour to an hour ago following a blow-up between my ex-boyfriend and I. I have some sort of social anxiety, apparently. I also need to "grow up" and this is being hindered by anxiety because I'm afraid to get a job. I think I've got a decent resume, but as far as resumes go who knows, and I've gone in for interviews before. The jobs ranged from graphic design to retail.

I used to live with my boyfriend who supported me aside from the contributions that I put it, several hundred a month, but I've recently moved back to my parents house due to the break up of our relationship, which is now for the most part ambiguous. So, I don't have to pay rent and the only bill I have to pay, aside from buying my own food, clothes, entertainment, provisionals, gas, and what have you, is my cell phone.

I've been attending college up until now in compliance with my parent's "get a job or go to school" ultimatum and in the past I've been able to make extra money by doing things here a there, like fixing computers, website/graphic design, eBay trade assistant, making/selling DIY/custom clothes, etc. I worked in a dental office for a couple of months on weekends with my Mom doing catch-up paperwork stuff when I was 16 but that's the only payroll job I've ever had. Aside from that, it's always been entrepreneurial schemes. Currently, I do private-appointment tattoos and there's a great deal of income potential in it, I just don't have much motivation to do it. I also work at a local music venue for way less than it's worth money-wise but I basically get to hang out with my friends who also work there, eat free food, and see bands, sometimes my favorite bands, for free. It'd be a perfect part time job if the owner paid more, even though I'm the highest paid worker there. I'm also the most responsible. Oh, I also make 1" badges and there's decent income-potential in that, but I don't have much motivation for that either. But since none of that is cutting it, really, I think I want to try my hand at having a hourly, payroll-type job. But that prospect is somewhat scary.

I don't know if it's scary, which is understandable... Going out on your own, putting yourself out there, probably getting rejected many times, etc... which I've done... but I'm not sure what it is. I am a smart, confident person, and I know that I have varying skills, all of which I'm confident in... I just don't want to get stuck in some lame rut, like most people get stuck in. I have absolutely no will to become somebody's bitch in the work force. I barely feel respect in myself for working at the venue, being the promoter's bitch in a way. It feels fine but when I think about it, the whole thing seems unappealing in that he tells me what to do, when to be there, and I do it. But it seems more like I'm doing him a favor, rather than "working for the man." I choose to be there and in the end, I can burn that bridge and tell him to suck my dick. I mean honestly, I'm at his house almost every day spending time with his family. It's like a second family. I was there today for probably six or seven hours hanging out with my friends and his wife and their daughter. It sounds kind of weird but that's the sort of household they have. Always a lot of people there.

I went from relying on my parents to relying on my boyfriend. Both instances include my dependency on them and a consistent lack of free will on my part, which is also scary. I can compare it to making dentist appointments. My Mom always made them for me and now that it's up to me, I put it off and in some perfect world I'd like her to continue to do it for me. I'm not even afraid of the dentist. I love my teeth and I want to keep them forever and I know going to the dentist is necessary. I also don't even like my Mom so... I don't know. It's an anxiety that I have. It's an independence anxiety. Going out on my own is scaring the shit out of me and I know I can work through it.

I think I just know that I don't really HAVE to do it, so I just don't.

So, basically, I think I'm going to find a job whether it be in a field I have experience in or some sort of minimum wage service job and start an income-generating website that has to do with writing articles which contain information that people want. It's vague but at least it's a plan. A plan is better than no plan. Goals feel good to have. And there I go with another entrepreneurial scheme. But goals really do feel good.

I wish I had somebody to confide in... but sometimes I think blogger is so much better. Writing it out always makes me feel better, regardless of whether or not I hit Publish.

I read a bunch of letters and that released the flood

2010-05-05T05:45:00.000-07:00

I wrote a letter to him. I didn't finish it. Maybe yet, maybe not at all. I also probably won't give it to him, either. Tonight is my first emotional break since the day after we broke up two and a half weeks ago. But I came across some letters tonight, decided to read them in a fit of nostalgia. The earliest one was from him, dated 2001, I think on the day he asked me out. There was a question in there about what did I think when he told me he liked me. I probably thought something like, "I know." I'm not ready to put all of the things like this away in a box.

Other letters described how in love we were with each other, how much we longed to be with each other during times in which we were apart. I completely miss that feeling. I used to have a lot more letters but I don't know what happened to them. Still, other letters described how wrong he used to treat me and for some reason I was still desperate for his love and affection despite his neglect. And that only reminds me that as much as he likes to think that he has changed, I think I'm the one that's changed.

That reminds me of a friend of mine. Her ex-husband was possessive, strict, chauvinistic, and she bent to his every whim. Mine used to be like that for a time sans chauvinist. With her next husband, who's pretty much a push-over, she's extremely outspoken and vows never to let a man treat her like that ever again. And that's the exact same change in me. I've grown stronger and I refused to put up with his shit anymore. I think he still treated me the same, I just changed. And that's why I broke up with him. He has anger and lie issues at the top of his list. Although both his and my list will probably go on for days but my problems have never been that extreme.

I cried for a long time, thinking about how things used to be, and how things went wrong over the course of 9 years. It would be easier to just call him and beg him back and continue to put up with everything but I'm not doing that. I need more time. I just don't want this to be a huge mistake. I'm afraid I'll want him back and it'll be too late. I don't want to regret anything. Honestly, I don't know what to do. I've never been alone and it's scaring the shit out of me. Fuck the flood.

Decision and a fresh break up

2010-05-01T04:31:00.000-07:00

I've decided that if it happens, it happens.

I officially broke up with my boyfriend of nearly a decade about two weeks ago. 13 days maybe but who's counting! To sum it up real quick, I've been drifting from him for a while, like years, but I'm not really a picky person and I am pretty relaxed so I can handle a lot before it's a big deal. Well, the relationship slowly began it's descent over several years, a couple of break ups, and things within the last couple of years really got to me, as opposed to the other several ways he mistreated me prior; such as consistent lies, suffocation, pressure, and a general lack of independence. I'm a free bird now, no regrets.

Initially I wanted to cut him out of my life completely after a huge blowup but I wasn't mad, I didn't hate him so after the initial half-day of sadness, seriously only half a day, I replied to his texts. We hung out a day later, had a couple of emotional moments, but all in all I thought he wanted to be my friend. I knew it was a bad idea but fuck it, I'll see how it goes. It ends up, within the last couple of days, he's still trying to be with me, asking me to hold his hand and give him kisses and I'm just trying to let him down easy, as I've already hurt him a lot with the initial breakup, but seriously, I take his advances, albeit wishful thinking on his part, as disrespect. I can understand where he's coming from but seriously, I made a decision and he should respect it. Disrespect being another reason for the breakup. He's asking to hold my hand, to continue a life with me, but I see absolutely no change in his behavior and attitude regarding the reasons why I broke up with him. I think that if maybe he was being an amazingly sweet gentleman and a total kiss-ass, I'd probably consider it. As of right now, no thank you.

So, he's not listening to me or respecting the fact that I don't want to spend my life with him anymore so now I'm just distancing myself from him. People keep telling me that it's going to hit me in a huge wave, some kind of emotional break that relates to the relationship ending and I've been waiting for it. I've broken down a couple of times but nothing that I'd expected. It wasn't bad at all. It was on the par of watching a sad, really touching movie like The Notebook or something, very brief but it felt good. I haven't cried at all in a long time. Aside from that, I'm pretty bored, as I'm used to doing something 100% of the time and having zero down time. Contrast that with my present situation, home and in my room almost always and using that time to slowly organize and declutter my room, watch movies and TV shows on MegaVideo and Hulu, and sleep. I love the fall asleep naturally and wake up naturally aspect. That is my absolutely favorite thing to do. I'm also attempting yoga, being a healthier vegetarian, and lifting small weights. Time alone is golden.

I can honestly say that I don't feel like I miss him, don't feel that I want to get back with him aside from the fact that if I do it's just going to be easier for me to live my life, financially. The hardest thing so far is the fact that I'm giving up a friend, somebody to rely on (but the more I think about it, I couldn't really rely on him that much anyway), somebody to talk to (but I didn't really talk to him about serious things anyway!), and whatever criteria a best friend would ideally possess. Again, I haven't exactly relied on that from him for a while. I think it's the fact that if I needed it, he'd be there, I just never needed it. I also realize that there are other people in my life that I can lean on as well. He just sort of walled me in so I was never in the position to do so, although if I had become close with another person, he'd probably get stupidly jealous. All somewhat understandable, none of it's fair or called for. Healthy couples allow space, I got almost none. I'm lashing out now and stretching my piercings further, dying my hair, wearing different clothes, talking to more people, intend to pierce more things, and generally doing what I want without having to get approval or having a discussion about it with anybody. I am spontaneous. I like to do things when I feel like it.

I grew up with him. I met him when I was 14 years old, we were best friends for about 8 months when I realized while he was dating some girl, that I had feelings for him, then we got together. That sounds great but he lied to be constantly about ridiculous things, to this day he still insists on or just refuses to talk about. I mean grow up. And that's what I'm trying to do. I've been with him since I was a dumbass teenager, he hasn't grown up, and neither have I. Later on it went from my parents telling me what to do, then it was him telling me what to do. I need to grow up and experience independence. If that means giving up a not-so-great boyfriend so be it.

It's not even about seeing other people. I don't care about that. Whenever I pictured my future, I've always been alone. I had a lot of fun and I look forward to a different life.

I may change my mind about breaking up, who knows, but the breakup was logical and I'm relying on my emotions to get me through the rest, though they show me that all signs point to moving on. I'm going with the flow, open to what may come, but all signs still point to moving on.

Ecstasy & Nightmare on Elm Street the Michael Bay version

2010-04-30T04:07:00.001-07:00

I just published two comments from my most popular post ever! The one about some dumbass dead kid. I stand 100% firm; DO NOT speed excessively down a dark street with an intersection coming up, in a convertible with the top down, and NO SEAT BELTS. Anybody who does is fucking STUPID.

Anyway, I'm currently doing research on the effects of ecstasy and reading experiences. I will be the first to admit that I'm a nerd and I do a lot of research for myself pertaining to things I'm interested in. I do research for fun. If I thought I would benefit from writing papers about the topics I'm interested in I'd do it, although frankly I'm not that keen on writing papers, especially long academic ones.

I half-jokingly asked one of my best(est) friends if he'd do ecstasy with me at the rave we're going to be working this weekend. I've always been curious to try it and now's the perfect opportunity to do so but again, I was pretty much joking. He said he's down and I think he's at least a little serious so now I'm seriously considering it, thus the research. I'm back so I'll blog about... whatever I decide. Most likely, I will not partake. I tend to lean toward a sober, safe life...

ALSO I just got home from seeing Michael Bay's interpretation of Nightmare on Elm Street, midnight showing status. I went with four of my friends plus one of their girlfriends and her friend. We bought our tickets online, ate Thai (and I forgot the left overs in the car. FUCK.), then got to the theater an hour early. I just decided that I don't feel like describing everything because these cramps are kicking my ass so I'll close by saying it was pretty good. It definitely didn't suck but slow silence, tension, cheap scares were about 80% expected. Freddy's face was pretty easy to get used to. I liked his voice and the gore was excellent. Lastly, it wasn't cheesy like some of the later Freddy films but I'm sure there was at least a little bit of cheese like, "Welcome to my world, bitch" or whatever. I also can't tell if it's funny or not at all because I tend to laugh at inappropriate parts. And there was this one guy in the nearly sold-out theater that was pretty annoying. All in all I'd give it 4.3 out of 5 stars.

Fucking awesome

2010-02-11T20:22:00.001-08:00

NSFW

http://www.heaven666.org/mom-it-s-that-you-16836.php

I just got my free credit report

2010-02-01T15:49:00.000-08:00

...from Equifax, Experian, and Transunion. https://www.annualcreditreport.com/. You can access your credit report from each for free once a year.

It does exactly what freecreditreport.com does, but they don't make you sign up for anything.

And the verdict is... My credit report is better than I thought it was going to be.

Me and Christians

2010-01-30T03:32:00.000-08:00

We don't get along, especially if they're the ones that do that thing where they try to convince you of their insanities. We've never gotten along for that reason. My experiences with Christians in general have been pretty negative. I consider it an insult when they say, "I'll pray for you." etc.

This woman I work for, as well as her husband, are very Christian Christians. Of course, the woman more than the man. I'm not sure why it tends to work out that way. I'll save speculation for another post.

Every once in a while I become a listener in her conversations concerning Christianity and Atheism. I don't voluntarily get involved in any such conversations because my opinions are pretty harsh. I don't want to lose friends over something that I believe to be so trivial a thing to consider and sum someone else up over. I also want to avoid in type of preaching situation that may or may not occur. Who knows...

Specifically, I find that she tends to judge people based on whether or not they are also Christians. For example, she says things like, "Yes, I can tell they're Christian because they're so polite and quiet." To which I naturally reply, "Yeah, because non-Christians are so rude and obnoxious," in only the most sarcastic way. She'll then begin to try and quickly convince me that that's not what she meant... All in all, she's not a stuck up bitch. She's pretty awesome, actually and not just because she doesn't try and have god discussions with me. I like her. In fact, although she's a 40-something year old woman, we are pretty close friends. I am closer to her than I am to her children that are my age, although we're friends, too. She's third on my speed dial. I spend most of my time at their house.

Well, I've been working for and with her for more than a year. She's very nice, understanding, and generous. I mean, to those she likes and she really likes me. She likes me so much that, although I don't explicitly state it without being directly asked first, she has formed some sort of belief that I have formed some sort of belief in a god. I am Agnostic through and through, as in I don't really give a fuck. It's not a cop-out. I really don't care.

In a discussion with her daughter about her Atheist teacher, her daughter points out that I'm an Atheist, too... I don't correct them, like I said I don't really care either way. When speaking of a lack of belief in a or any god or gods, Atheist is the term most often used... She only replied in some strange fit of denial, "No, I'm sure she's not, she has her own set of beliefs..." I didn't listen to the rest as I tried my best not to burst out laughing. I was sitting right next to her! She didn't even ask me, she just looked down and sputtered a few sentences about how I'm not Atheist and I go my own way concerning something that in some way is aligned to her own beliefs.

Good times.

Why Miss Whorecake, why?!

2010-01-29T23:10:00.001-08:00

The story behind the name is... pretty short. It means absolutely nothing.

Friend: Hey! Join these things I'm doing!

Me: Okay!!! But I can't think of a name.

Friend: Use one of your old names.

Me: My old names are stupid. Think of one for me.

Friend: Raspberry Whorecake.

Me: Sweet.

Now I'm Miss Whorecake. I don't feel like changing it, I don't care that much. *The End*

How I stretch my earlobes. Not gauge.

2010-01-29T22:21:00.000-08:00

Electrical tape wrap. I react well to all of the following methods and products. No swelling, no pain, no bleeding, no problems. Go with bondage tape if you've got the cash. I stopped tapering at 1/2" and found this was so much better...

0. CLEAN HANDS

1. I made my electrical tape plugs solid, starting the beginning as small as possible. I carefully wrapped up to my size straight off the role, using a ruler to measure when to stop. When I was finished, I cut the tape straight.

2. I used extra virgin olive oil for a while for lubrication, which was fine, then progressed to a generic personal lubricant from a local porn shop. I now use Aquaphor.

3. After cutting the tape, I roll the edge of the side of the plug that I'm going to insert along the tape roll, so there's no straight edges to interfere with insertion.

4. I rub the fistula with my lubricant for a little while, lubricating and massaging, then spread some of the lubricant on my fingers onto the edge of the plug.

5. I insert the plug through the back, pushing forward with even pressure, sort of anchoring the cut tape side for the least bit of sliding.

6. I rotate the plug a bit going with the cut tape, rather than against it, to make sure the fistula is even.

7. I know that I'm ready for the next layer of tape when I can pull on the plug in my ear and see light coming through the other side. Use the best judgment to decide how many layers. The goal is to fill the space, rather than stretch. Some people will add a layer every day. I add a layer every time there's room to add another layer.

8. CLEAN HANDS

9. Remove the plug, wipe off whatever is on the plug with something lint-free, add the appropriate amount of tape layers to the plug. Don't overestimate. Again, the goal is not to stretch, just to fill the space.

10. Repeat 3 to 6, and so on.

Easy. Not even the slightest bit of burning.

Story 1: I took out my 1 1/16" plugs out to see how far I could shrink back down. They shrunk much faster than I thought they would. I think, in about a month and a half they were down to 5/8" and there they lingered. I kept them that way for about two months, doing frequent oil massages and putting in 5/8" about a month in. Half the time dangled 00g super spirals, only only about a quarter of the time I wore the 5/8", and the rest of the time I wore nothing.
About a week ago I decided to stretch back out just as I bought a giant pair of 7/8" wood spirals. My goal was to make them fit and be satisfied for that for at at least a little while. I did the method listed above and they fit today, with I think about a 1/16" space to spare. But I do admit, organics aren't exact. I figure the plugs are just under 7/8". And I'm happy either way.
I think they stretched so fast because they were stretched before and that is the light at the end of the tunnel when rollercoastering to fatten lobes. Did it make my lobes fatter? I think so, at least a little bit. I prefer letting my lobes relax while I sleep.

Lesbian dream

2010-01-14T13:32:00.000-08:00

I had my first graphic, full of feeling, lesbian dream and it was the first time I ever wanted a have a penis. She was cute, with an amazing body and... I'm not going to give away that much detail... for free anyway.

It was just really great.

More bitching, with conversation

2010-01-12T16:22:00.000-08:00

"What do you want to eat today?"

"Subway."

Subway is relatively cheap, considering you get two meals out of it for $5. Plus, the diet thing.

"Oh god, just stop. I don't want to eat Subway, ever."

...from the guy who complains about money all day.

"Quiznos?"

I say that knowing he doesn't want to eat there. This is how I get my kicks.

"I don't want to eat a fucking sandwich!"

*long silence because I've given up on picking places to eat every day twice a day and being subject to this and very similar arguments every time. Why the fuck can't he decide ever?! I'd rather NOT eat than do this every day.*

"What do you want to eat?!"

*pause* "Chinese food."

"From where?"

"I don't know, they all take cash."

"I guess."

*However, usually, I try and ask him what he wants to eat upon the initial questioning... because he never knows, I say, "Well, you can't be that hungry if you can't decide what you want to eat!" It's really stupid.*

Having these here is going to really help me. I forget my talking points in heated discussion. I can always come back to this... unless the Internet DIES!

Somebody else died ii

2010-01-11T01:56:00.000-08:00

He was nineteen, tall, thin, and completely fucking insane.

Apparently he told his Mom that he didn't feel very well and died in his sleep.

He didn't get any fancy news article that I'm aware of but it happened. He's dead. Again, he's praised for once being alive, having had the pleasure of enjoying McDonald's double cheeseburgers and feeling the hot, dry air of the Mojave desert. He's praised and my opinions about the fact that he was only liked by a minuscule few, like his Mom probably, are shunned. I'm slightly looked down upon because I'm real.

I didn't like it him. Nobody I know liked him. Yet everybody is either bawling, organizing a way to make money for his funeral, and generally pretty upset about it.

And he was crazy. Certifiable. He took a lot of medication. He wore an army uniform with his pants tucked in his boots. I saw him sit with his dumb friend and willingly shine a pointing laser into his own eyes for several seconds. He was an asshole. He was racist. He was rude and disrespectful to every single person he encountered.

He lived in a world where he was a soldier, deep in shit, and everybody was out to get him. It was rumored that he did too much acid but kids made that shit up, it kind of sounds cooler. When it comes down to it, he was a dick and nobody liked him.

So, I don't understand the uproar.

Why are the dead put upon a pedestal upon death regardless of what horrible, stupid shit they did while living

We aren't good people for lying to each other and ourselves. We're fake. It isn't a courtesy. It's pity. Nobody wants pity. This isn't humane. It's pathetic.

I'm a loner, dotty, a rebel.

2010-01-07T02:59:00.001-08:00

When I first got into this relationship thing, I didn't take it serious. I was a 14 year old bitch, completely averted to everything. I've had one boyfriend my entire life. We've broken up twice, my doing for various reasons. And I had one "thing" with some guy, who's actually a very successful tattoo artist right now and has tattooed a lot of my friends. I had another emotional "thing" with someone else, also. The end of that has always been sort of... I don't know. He was just really amazingly nice, he was my best friend, and I'll always miss him. I see the tattoo guy occasionally, as in I see him in various places and he doesn't recognize me or thinks I don't recognize him. We spoke once briefly about a year ago. Anyway...

Now I'm a 24 year old bitch, completely averted to everything, more cynical, more bitter. I never really had anything to be bitter about before. It was probably the hormones. I'm with the same guy

I only pictured the future of myself and another person together when I was with the non-tattoo guy. Every other notion of being older and grown, I always imagine myself alone, with a cat or two. I think it's because I've never been alone, able to do my own thing when I wanted it. I've never experienced doing something without thinking whether or not someone will approve, or if they'll get mad that I'm doing it; changing hair, piercing things, working a certain vocation, etc. And as of late, I've been trying to picture how it would be to be alone.

I'd be shut in my ghetto, bullshit apartment on the Internet all day working when I'm not sleeping or tattooing people. I'll wake up when I want, go to sleep when I want, watch what I want, eat when and what I want, leave when I want. It's very appealing but I don't know whether or not I want to risk losing my gentleman, even though I'm liking him less and less everyday. I'm almost on my own and continuing to be with him is beginning to equate to dating a male version of my mother, with some exceptions. He cares for me immensely, or so he says, and all I can focus on is the things he makes me do that I have little to no will to do; going to sleep when he wants to go to sleep, picking up after him, constantly reassuring him, listening to him complain about money, watching what he wants to watch. Those are just examples. In short, I don't really want to hang out with him, talk to him, kiss him, hug him, or fuck him most of the time. We haven't done the latter in a while and I don't miss it. I don't care.

I don't even really want to be with anyone else. I mean, I don't have anybody in mind or anything. I just want the freedom to be able to do what I want, be it go to Wal-Mart at 2:30am to buy 1 package of noodles or kiss a girl I don't know or get drunk with my friends, without worrying about what he's going to think or do. I'm sick of the dirty looks and stupid, childish attitude. I went to Jack in the Box with a drunk mutual friend. He mentioned being drunk made him horny and he wanted a blow job. I made fun of him for it, he thought it was funny and shared it. My guy got pissed. Did our friend ask me for a blowjob? No. Was I going to suck his dick just because he was horny? Certainly not. I'm an adult. Maybe a line or two was crossed in some people's code of conduct but trust is ideal. And honestly, literally, he thinks I'm easy. He doesn't trust ME around other guys. In his peabrain he thinks I'm going to jump on any guy that shows the least bit of interest.

I still can't decide if it's worth it. I'm hoping when he move in together, he'll give me some space. ***I just read this now and seriously, why the fuck did I even think it was a good idea to move together. What the fuck. No, it's not happening. I don't care.***

In my mind I've always wanted other people. I've never done anything about it but the want has always been there. The "what if" and fantasy is what keeps me sane. I can't stand monotony and routine. I need some sort of change.

Roller Derby, boxing, lazyness, bitchyness

2010-01-07T02:48:00.000-08:00

I'm watching Whit It! right now with my gentleman. The sad thing is the last time I went to break up with him, I did so because he wasn't actually a gentleman and I told that he should be. "So you basically want me to be your bitch?" I said yes, of course. I'm conceited, I want the world to revolve around me, and I think I'm too good of a catch to be subjected to selfish, rude, childish behavior.

Anyway, a dream of mine since first hearing about it, has been to roller derby. Mostly because I view at as a strong, sexy thing. I'd like to be perceived as strong and sexy. Or strong and scary. I'm not picky. I've also thought about picking up kick boxing or just boxing. If I don't get a chance or feel a strong enough drive to do any, I'd still love to skate at Venice Beach in really cute knee-high socks with the stripes at the top. "What do you want for Christmas?" I should have said skates! fml

Oh, Fuck! I completely forgot, I started a diet. Lose It!

2010-01-04T05:17:00.000-08:00

I have begun dieting. I am admittedly overweight, which I somewhat enjoy due to my love of food and lack of interest in males making advances. Without being extremely haughty, I am attractive, smart, and easy to get along with. Were I a medically ideal weight, advances would be often. Due to my small degree of fluffiness, they are very seldom. I'm an XL going on strictly 2x.

I've begun dieting because this is the largest I've ever been. I want to be chubby but also healthy. Gaining a little bit a year leads to a huge gain in the end. I mostly want to see if I can do it since I've heard so much about people being so unable to keep weight off. I've never tried to lose weight.

I'm also a vegetarian so I guess I've got an advantage.

I'm using the iPhone app Lose It! It's a free application that tracks caloric intake and sets a limit based on if you want to maintain your weight, lose half a pound, one, one and a half, or two pounds. It has a database of foods by brand name, general search, or restaurant or custom foods. There's also an exercise factor, as well. You can read all about it via a google search. I just want to tell my experience with it thus far, rather than advertise it.

I downloaded it because I liked the reviews, people seemed to be pretty successful with. I currently have it set to 2 lbs per week, which allows me 1537 calories a day right now, and I started it two weeks ago. I weighed myself a week ago and lost 2 lbs. I generally eat healthy, partially due to the vegetarian thing, but I also ate portions that were way too big. The first thing I did when I got it was put in how much I ate the day before I committed to the diet and it was astronomical.

Now, I'm not perfect so I want to share that on New Years I drank a lot of beer and ate a lot of snacks. I went over about 1,000 calories for that day, which equaled to the normal, average caloric intake. To remedy this planned shenanigan, I cut back on daily calories for the rest of the week. I think the key was that it was planned. In a way it's sort of like weight watchers where you get a certain number of points and you can save them if you want to overindulge for a special occasion since it track by day and by week. First week I was under 600 calories, this week I was under about 400.

I love that it's easy to enter what I eat, especially since I'm constantly on the go and I eat out a lot and most of the restaurants are there, and that I can set it to tell me my average daily protein intake, as I was completely unaware of it prior to this app. I'm fall well within the recommended protein intake, 40-70 grams, which is something people bother me about all of the time because I don't eat meat. Darn that myth. I can prove them wrong now because I know.

I can make better choices now because I know how many calories are in what and thus far it's going very well so I'm happy. And of course, I will update periodically.

So many paragraphs that start with the letter "I"

P.S. I fucking love my iPhone. I thought I'd hate it but I really love it.

Top Apps I use/play everyday:
Lose It!
DoodleJump

Favorite Games:
DoodleJump
Cooking Mama
ChaseTheDot
iDropDead
Lemonade Tycoon Free

Most stupid app lists to come...

I can never think of a good goddamn title

2010-01-04T04:13:00.000-08:00

I completely expected a new blog comment telling me how much of a no-life loser I am that's going to burn in hell. I'm sort of disappointed that it didn't happen.

Haven't been living at home with my parents for nearly five months now. All of my things are there but I'm not. I stop by from time to time, preferably when nobody is home, to grab some of the things I need. I'm looking for a house to share with my gentleman caller and my brother. I'd prefer a house that's better than my parents house as a big "fuck you" to my Mother. She is the bane of my and my brother's existence. I don't feel extra ties to family. They don't get special treatment or extra special feelings only due to the fact that they are a part of my family, by blood. I don't care. You get my respect and company if you deserve it. Because of that, I am not on good terms with both of my sisters and now my Mother.

I find females in general harder to get along with.

I found the MySpace of a friend from "work" which completely changed my view of them. I only just met him a few months ago when he started working with me. They told me he stole and to watch him. That's what I did until I actually am pretty sure I saw him steal, told the owner, and now we no longer work in the same area where there's cash.
I viewed him as shady and from what he says, sort of nerdy, insecure, and tries a little bit to seem cool. For example, he's one of those guys that expresses his interest in women by making somewhat derogatory comments about them. I always laugh because even when what he says isn't funny, he's never really that convincing. I also hear that he's bisexual, so I think it's an overcompensation.
He's tall, Caucasian, average build and height for a tall guy, pretty nice, surprisingly attractive, with tattoos all over his neck, sleeves, hands, and knuckles. I tattooed his thumbs and under his side burn on his head.
I've only seen him at work so I realized that I don't really know that much about him aside from the fact that he enjoys music. I also found out that he is into art, photography, skateboarding, and taking pictures of himself in bathroom mirrors. That last one is very lame.

Also, I'm fucking sick of people asking me why I don't like certain bands or groups or artists or whoever. They say "Why not?" and I end up examining what I don't like about it and trying to explain myself, am subject to "but it's not...", frustration leading to anger, etc. Why don't they just leave me along when I say I don't like it. When it comes to music I only really like (some, applying to all genres of course) electronica, industrial, new wave, death metal, metal, black metal, hardcore, deathcore. Mostly death metal and deathcore. Cry, cry, cry.

Top bands:
Postal Service
Whitechapel
Rasputina

Top albums:
Somatic Defilement
Give Up
Slipknot
Ashes of the Wake

Top to sing to:
Postal Service - Give Up
Slipknot - Slipknot
Lamb of God - any
Bring Me The Horizon - Count Your Blessings
Whitechapel - Somatic Defilement
Rasputina - any

No reason whatsoever.

Catch up and things

2009-12-17T11:19:00.000-08:00

A. The party was fucking amazing.

B. The semester's over... finally.

C. Other stuff

So... A. The party was fucking awesome. Literally, everyone was there and only one random guy that we didn't know, but found out we actually did know, showed up. It started off with a promise of sushi, crushed, then an attempt at a surprise, hugs all around, and I sat on the couch while Mr. Birthday took shots and whatever.

They played beer pong, of course, drank the entire jug of Sailor Jerry that I bought. Gross. I denied all requests for shots but managed to do some damage while playing pong, somehow. And I had a little straight-edge girl ferry me around whilst on a hunt for an open liquor store. I thanked her a million times. She's the best.

I wonder if I had bought a case of Zima and Boone if they would have drank it. I'm going to play that cruel joke next time.

B. I hate school. I hate school. I hate school. I've never really liked school but I'm always exceptional at it. Does anybody actually like school? Honestly? Do they look forward to going and watching and learning? Not going to see a friend or because there's a special event. In high school, I'd look forward to seeing a boy that I liked and hanging out with the boys that were my friends before school, during lunch, and for a second after. In grade school, although I don't remember much, I looked forward to... lunch or something. I remember saying that my favorite subject was lunch and, of course, I knew lunch wasn't a subject but I couldn't pick a favorite.

In my entire college experience thus far, I've enjoyed all of my classes at least somewhat; Spanish, clothing construction, computers, art, computer graphics. The GE ones not so much. I think the difference is that it's my choice to go, nobody is making me, and I choose the classes that I want to take. I've had to abide by their GE guidelines but there's choices.

I like choices. I'm finishing up in Summer and graduating in the Fall. First graduate in the family. That's right. I will probably continue going to school at least part time thereafter. I'm academically inclined and knowledge is power.

C. I've had a shitty cough for the past two months, during which I've been sick three times. I once went to the doctor to inquire as to why I get sick so often despite my evergrowing germaphobia. She told me that it's allergies and I've only taken medical doctors seriously once since then. My solution is more hand washing and less interaction with the general human population.

It was my birthday the other day. I insisted on nothing but we went to dinner, did a tiny bit of consuming, and went to work. At work, they surprised me with a cake, then we painted the main room, and I worked the door at the show. It was an acoustic show.

I've been flirting with a lot of girls lately. I do it because I'm a flirt and because I can. They play back. It's fun.

My boyfriend, a new college student, and I work at a local music venue. I am basically a manager although there are no official titles. A lot of the other people that work there are basically volunteers. They work to get in free, free drinks, free snacks, to look cool when they get to say "I work here." Haha

I love that I get to see some of my favorite bands up close and personal. I've seen Suffocation, Whitechapel, Winds of Plague, Cattle Decapitation, Walls of Jericho, Terror, and a myriad of others that I can't recall at the moment. Dirty Rotten Imbeciles are coming and I'm cumming in my jeans just thinking about it (fyi: I've never worn jeans. Jeans are a weird epidemic. Look around!).

Sometimes I work bartender, concession, cook, admission handler, custodian, and babysitter. I am the reliable, trustworthy, mature, does-it-all staff member. I don't actually watch kids, I have to watch the money, the merchandise, and people that have been known to take various things that doesn't necessarily belong to them like U.S. currency, alcoholic beverages, etc. I guess that's loss prevention, as well.

Also, my gentleman, brother, and I are currently on the market for a home. It sucks but the prospect of living on our own sounds amazing.

Halloween 2009

2009-11-04T12:32:00.001-08:00

...consisted of us going to a community haunted house and helping out with the scarings. I didn't get to scare because those who accompanied me didn't heed my warnings that we needed to be there extra early because my makeup takes a while. I painted my face and my chest.

In the back of the house, their family was having a party that we were fully invited to. Being around other people's families is always slightly awkward but they were all really nice, with the exception of the woman who apparently likes to get drunk and start some sort of dramaticism at every similar event. She told everybody that my friend called her a bitch... which is what she actually is for starting such a stupid rumor.

As a result of feeling the need to go above and beyond a standard mask or female-standard tight, revealing outfit, I only got one cup of beer before the keg was finished, then one can of beer before the beer ran out. My plans of getting wasted failed.

But I had cigarettes, vegetarian tacos, candy, and the company of some of my favorite people so I'd give it a 5 because I think it was better than staying at home... probably.

Today I need to buy beer and supplies for the surprise party that we're throwing my significant other for his birthday. It's very important to me that we not run out of beer. And I just realized that some of the people I invited are straight-edge... so... I'm going to need to buy soda and food I guess, too. Fucking straight-edge people making my life harder. Just kidding, I love my friends. 40's are of the utmost importance tomorrow over everything.

Check it, check it, check it

2009-10-31T05:30:00.000-07:00

First, this is currently my gem: Somebody else died. The content is somewhat shotty because I felt strongly enough to write about it but not strongly enough to make it well-written. The meat is in the comments written by offended people, or as I suspect single person. She/he, probably she, calls me Satan and I'm loving it.

Second, I completely stand by my statements. Always.

Third, I am currently loving my life. I got excellent news just as I was falling asleep several hours ago and am not able to fall back into said sleep so I'm here doing this. Wee.

Fourth, what news? Well, since you're so interested and I think vagueness is bullshit... I've got four full-time musicians at my fingertips who love me.

Fifth, I don't know how these people take me so seriously. I state that I'm purposefully being an asshole and I'm sure they fail to read anything I've previously written. The post before it was about sucking dick. Come on.

Six Six Sixth, my fourth part is a result of a band splitting up not more than 4 hours ago.

Seventh, Halloween, my favorite day ever, is expected to be especially amazing this year.

Eighth, I'm going to start posting more.

Nineth, their demise... my rise.

Tenth, after checking my site stats, my gem is my most popular entry this year and they apparently are so appalled that they are Yahoo! emailing each other. Again, that makes me excited. As I stated in my rebuttal, shock and offense entertains me. And I am thoroughly entertained. People die doing stupid things every day all over the world. For example, one of my friends died by shooting himself in the face because he thought nobody liked him. Boohoo. The world is probably better without him with an attitude like that.

Eleventh, the world is overpopulated and human numbers are only continuing to grow... thus my opinion of human stupidity. Survival of the fittest, homie.

Welcome to the Internet: Palmdale 2 car crash, 4 people dead rebuttal

2009-10-14T02:35:00.000-07:00

lotusflower said...

If you were a true journalist you would of done your research a little better.

It was an extremely dark night and reports show that it might of been difficult to even notice the stop sign in the first place.

Its a very sad sad story and people also don't realize the risk in driving a convertible car. If you flip and your top is down, the chances of survival are fair. It's hard to say that if the hard top was on, that some might of survived...but those are all what if's??

I've known Stephen for years now. I meet him when he was 18. I can honestly say that Stephen never liked wearing his seat belt but I would always yell at him for this. Sometimes he wasn't the best of driver, but then again sometimes we all aren't.

Stephen recently purchase his car 6months ago and I got to tell that he actually was very careful with that car b/c it was his baby and very nice might I add!

For you to judge someone and call him not very smart from Middle School is ridiculous! I admired how smart Stephen is and how dependable, reliable and such a wonderful person to be around.

He's extremely funny and its someone close to me that I will always miss. My heart and love will always be with Stephen.

It's too bad that you jump to write such a thing without thinking about his family or friends.

Stephen I love you and miss you more than you will ever know. One day we will reconnect again...till then please visit me in my dreams!!!

Oh and by the way I'm a 30 year old woman with a Journalism degree and a very strong minded individual...its just too bad you didn't know the Stephen that I knew!

Friday, October 2, 2009 1:24:00 PM PDT

Without quoting and highlighting and numbering, I will begin with this... Thank you for reading my blog. Thank you for posting a comment. Thank you for opening my eyes to how insensitive I was... In the past however many days it's been since I wrote my previous entry, I've grown up a lot. A lot has happened, believe it or not and...

...I'm kidding. I don't care.

At all.

Nor am I a journalist, nor have I ever in my entire life claimed to be one. I log into blogger.com and type the things that I feel like typing. And I felt strongly enough about the cheeky shenanigan that Stephen got himself into that I needed to write about it. I still can't decide whether or not a Darwin Award nomination is in order.

I found out about it through a friend who was friends with some of the people that Stephen killed. Guess what I told her? They're ALL stupid for allowing it to happen and I'm GLAD they're dead. Like I stated in my previous post in so many words, don't excessively speed down a dark street if you're not ready and willing to DIE. The only judgment I previously made was they didn't want to die. Based on that sole assumption, logic, as I am extremely logical, tells me that they are stupid for risking their lives without a willingness and/or readiness to die.

But hey, let's speculate. Maybe they all intentionally committed suicide.

Welcome to the Internet.

P.S. My blog comments are not an appropriate place to put prayers. Post a comment on his MySpace or something: http://www.myspace.com/StephenNubani

Also, I was ONLY thinking of his family and friends while posting. Controversy, reaction, shock, any sort of rise whatsoever entertains me. One last thanks to lotusflower for entertaining me. Good luck with whatever it is that you enjoy doing.

(I haven't cursed once in this and the last entry. I'll make up for it in the next one. Stay tuned.)

Somebody else died

2009-09-29T05:47:00.000-07:00

Some guy died that I used to go to middle school with, I think it was middle school. I'm pretty sure it was middle school. I recognized his name, then his picture while browsing local web stuff just now. I should be sleeping but instead I've decided to be an asshole.

His name was Stephen Nubani, he died Saturday after excessively speeding in an Audi convertible, failing to stop at a stop sign, and causing major injuries to the other person, who obviously wasn't paying attention, otherwise they would have seen a 100 mph car barreling toward a stop sign they have no intention of stopping at.

I mean, obviously I don't know what happened, none of us were there, but like I said, I have decided to be an asshole. I've assembled my own story based on various news sources.

When I knew this kid, he wasn't very smart to begin with and if anybody who knew him utilizes Google, reads this, gets offended, can you honestly say that you're surprised? He was honestly such an intelligent, stand up guy that it must have been some crazy mistake that he sped excessively, injured one person, and killed himself along with the three other people he was in the car with. Oh yeah, there were four people total in the car and they're all DEAD.

But OF COURSE he wouldn't do such a thing. He's dead now. Everybody that's dead was the most awesome person that ever lived... while they were living. Honestly, no previous grudges. I'm getting help from my friend logic. Take the phrase, "Don't do the crime if you can't pay the time," and turn it into something that applies. Like, "Don't excessively speed in a convertible and run a stop sign if you aren't willing to die," ... likewise with the passenger thing.

Good job, Stephen Nubani. In my book, you get Miss Congeniality.

My friends did something similar a couple of years ago. Lucky for them, they all walked away relatively unharmed with a stupid story to tell but had they died, I would have kicked a dead body or two. They're stupid, he's stupid. The world is filled with a lot of stupid and stupid is stupid.

Apparently I've been using a $150 dollar toothbrush

2009-09-10T12:42:00.000-07:00

It's an estimate. In some places it's more, in some places it's less. But either way, that's fucking crazy. I had no idea that they sold toothbrushes that cost that much. It's like... it's like... I'm at a loss for words. Okay, no. It's ridiculous.

But holy shit, I love it. I woke up one day, not 'morning' because I don't wake up in the morning, go to the bathroom to take a piss (superladylike) and see a white box with a picture of an electric toothbrush. There's two people that use the bathroom and two people that brush their teeth within it. I only assume one of them is for me. Sweet, a present.

I love presents.

I brush my teeth with that stupid plastic stick with stupid plastic bristles. I go to school, bring the new toothbrush's instruction manual with me so's I can read it while I'm waiting for shit while at school... because I'd rather read the entire instruction manual of an item I'm going to use than a useless book, especially a fiction book. Fuck books.

I mean honestly, I'm thinking about the toothbrush all day. When I get home that night, after I eat, I use it. It was awesome. Since then I've been brushing my teeth twice a day and looking forward to it, which is weird. It's a Sonicare Flexcare or someshit. This device should last two years at the very least and the brush heads are about $10 a pop. It's expensive but I think I'm sold... until it breaks and I am too cheap to shell out the dough to buy a new one.

I can

2009-09-10T02:26:00.000-07:00

suck a mean dick when I feel like it. But I never feel like it.

My brother's redneck friend has a crush on me apparently, which is fucked up because I literally call him the "redneck friend". "What are you doing? Hanging out with your redneck friend?" He has some whiteboy name that I can't think of at the moment. He's 20 years old, maybe, and drives a piece of shit white Cadillac or something like it. It's an oldass boat. But during the times we have hung out, he's been okay... aside from the fact that he's a bum.

When you've got a crush and you're an adult that basically means you want to stick it in them, right?

Hah.

But literally, I am quit skilled at performing fellatio on males. The trick is to really want it, otherwise your performance is going to be lacking. If you don't really want it, convince yourself that you want it. I never feel like it because it's boring. Foreplay, hand to genitals, mouth to genitals, genitals to genitals, blah blah blah.

I don't live in a porno, I live in real life where the whole thing, including sex in general, is really fucking boring. If I want to get off, I'll take care of myself. I don't need no man, trying to live his life like a porno using me to get his rocks off. With that said, monogamy is crap. If you can't get it from your partner and you think you "need" it, go elsewhere. It's your partners fault that they aren't fucking you. If you go out and get some, maybe they'll get jealous and give it up more, canceling out the need get some elsewhere. And by "some" and "it", I mean sex. Fucking. Or anal or oral, whatever. Just be safe. Condoms aren't evil, make them your best friend.

I'm a pretty awesome lady aside from the fact that I have very strong opinions concerning hot-button issues and I'm a rabid shit-talker.

Quick beer game story

2009-09-09T03:29:00.000-07:00

So I wrote about my Spanish class, the redneck in the corner that talks shit about Hispanics, how irritated I am 97% of the time, and how much my boyfriend sucks on paper. Maybe I'll type it out later but I wanted to tell a quick beer story before I go to bed.

We were at a party. As always, I ate too much to comfortably drink beer without feeling and possibly looking like I'm in my third trimester. I know, gross. So, I take a few Kamikazee shots, sip on a delicious strawberry Margherita, and encourage everyone else to get fucking toasted.

They decide that they want to play a chugging game, namely the one from I Love You, Man, where Paul Rudd projectile vomits all over the guy who directed Iron Man's face. I could look up real names and character names but this 'real quick.'

That sounded badass so I said I wanted to play, too. There was four to a team, two beers in a car each. As soon as the person before you slams their empty beer can down, you pick up and down yours. The fourth person in line drinks two consecutive beers and hey guess what? That was me.

I am not really known to be a chugger, I can barely chug actually. I'll finish my beer faster than you if we're hanging out but I'm not known for my speed. Before we started I said, "Oh, I'm going to get sick." and the girl on the opposing team said she was thinking the exact same thing. My direct opponent was my brother and we both knew he was better than me.

One, two, three. Shit, it's me. Fourth, I do okay, only slightly behind my brother. Fifth, my second beer, I have a lot of problems with. My brother's doing this shit like it's water, I'm having problems shoving all of the foam and carbonation down my throat. I get it all in, slam my can down, start laughing. Burp, cough. I immediately vomit up about a can's worth of foam, mostly on one of my shoes, and hysterically laugh. While apparently we won. The opposing line stopped at the third person, who just couldn't do it.

I can't wait to do it again. I've been practicing.

What the hell is that game called anyway?

Some idiot is threatening to sue over a tattoo infection and I'm fucking pissed

2009-09-05T02:56:00.000-07:00

Some guy is threatening to sue my friend and/or myself over his and his friend's tattoo infection after being tattooed by us at a tattoo party. First of all, infections are generally YOUR fault, not the artists unless the place was fucking disgusting, in which case you should walk out immediately and find a clean shop. It's common sense.

Second, this guy comes in, asks the price, I tell him my price, and then he gets nervous and says he's on a budget. I ask him how much he can afford, he brings my price down 25%, but I agree anyway. Cash is cash.

Third, he and his friend don't even bother washing or doing anything to their fresh tattoos for over three days, claiming they're waiting for some kind of okay from somebody. Bear in mind, these people have been tattooed before. Both by a scratcher as well as a "professional". Aftercare was explained to them, they must just be dense and lucky they didn't infect their other tattoos.

So, they walk into a tattoo party at some strange house, can't even afford to pay full price, which is much cheaper than all places that rent a commercial space before the haggle, doesn't even bother washing it for several days, and then threatens to sue.

OKAY YEAH THAT MAKES A LOT OF FUCKING SENSE

I'm pissed. These people are stupid and are not only making us look bad, they are threatening to take legal action against us as well as perpetuating the stereotype about tattoo artists that work out of shops that I am trying so hard to discourage. We can get slapped with a huge fine or possibly face jail time plus a huge fine. I'm being honest here.

I've tattooed numerous people over the 2+ years I've been tattooing, NONE of which have received an infection. NONE. There has been people who've been perfect with their aftercare, and others who've neglected it completely. The only thing that could have tarnished my reputation thus far would be a shaky line. I take ridiculous precautions to ensure I am being 100% clean, I'm a reasonable germaphobe. We even did several others before and after theirs, nobody else had a single problem.

But this guy can't even afford a tattoo over $100, I seriously doubt he has to funds to hire a lawyer because he's a dirty fucker. I'm going to start making people sign a waiver.

Another friend bites the dust

2009-09-03T01:33:00.000-07:00

Okay, no they didn't die. One of my uncles recently died but shit happens, people you know die. I am indeed a cold-hearted son of a bitch.

They didn't die, they got MARRIED. The more I hand around his wife, the less I despise her. You must tolerate her quirks but I haven't really been on the patient side of life for quite a while. I'm patient in waiting, not at all patient with people. I wonder if they can tell.

For example, we're stopped at a gas station, about to leave. She decides to clean out the entire back seat. Half of the trash that was there was there before they even got in. It wasn't her car, it wasn't her trash, but we had to wait for her poor impulse before we could continue on our destination. She's also afraid of riding escalators. Elevators and stairs are cool, no escalators. I wonder if she'd walk on broken escalators, otherwise known as metal stairs. I'm going to ask her.

Okay so last week was their house warming party. I wanted to drink but, as always, I was Designated Dave. Fine, whatever. I'll have my time one day. Everybody's wasted, one of our new friends decides he's hungry. I take him, my boyfriend says as we're leaving, "I trust you guys." He's fucking gone. GONE, GONE, GONE. On the way there and back, we talk. The conversation leads to him talking about how he gets horny when he's drunk. He happens to be drunk. He talks about how one of my very sexual friends keeps talking about sex and how it's freaking him out. At the drive-thru he tells me what he wants to order and then at the end adds "and a blow job". I laugh and tell him that I'm going to say it to the lady in the speakerbox. It was hilarious. I mean, if I told him to whip it out, he would have been hesitant, then agreed. I would have been "cas" but no, I don't do that. I just made fun of him.

When we got back to house with the food, he mentions it to my boyfriend. I think he gets pissed but doesn't want me to know. We're laughing, but he walks away and then comes back. He tells me that our friends want to go home and I need to take them and come back. I go to them, ask if they wanted to go but they act like they have no idea what I'm talking about but agree to go anyway because it was getting late. I figure they're drunk.

Seconds later my friend and my gentleman partner come out and say we're all leaving. The dude that wants his dick sucked drove himself so he gives everyone a hug goodbye and then gives me a "bro hug". Okay, even though every time we see each other he gives me a huge hug. I know my boyfriend said something to him. For the rest of the night he treats me like shit and doesn't tell me why. I know why and I think his reason is fucking stupid. He ends up bedding in another room, I decide I don't have to take this shit and walk a mile home at 5 o'clock AM. I turn off my phone without any desire to speak to him again for the rest of my life and go to sleep.

He calls me the next morning asking what the hell happened, why he woke up in a different room by himself, and why I wasn't answering my phone, without any knowledge of what happened the previous night. He told the truth. Either way, it's stupid.

ANYWAY, they got married in Vegas over the weekend. Her parents are two-faced douchecunts that didn't want her marrying him in the first place. 1. He's not Mormom. 2. He's not rich. That makes him a loser and her Father was talking shit about him AT THE WEDDING. Everybody played their "polite" game except me. She's not even a good friend of mine but fuck, you DO NOT behave the way they behave. Fuck them.

The wedding was ghetto and HOT AS FUCK but the Fremont stuff and Casino stuff was fun as fuck. We drank 3-foot tall margaritas, swam in the middle of the night, and I won over $100 on 2 cent slots. We also played Black Jack but broke even. I love smoking everywhere. Every time I gave my gentleman friend money to gamble, he never won a thing. It was kind of hilarious. We can't wait to go back soon. The gas was only about $30 there and back. The Fit seriously is Go.

I also anticipate the reception, which should occur sometime soon. And school just started and it's okay. I'm currently living in the moment, since notions of the future only make me very unhappy.

Babies totally turn me off

2009-09-02T14:07:00.000-07:00

This gorgeous guy, who I've been crushing on since I met him quite a while ago, walks into the venue. I knew that he has a kid, I've seen pictures of it and he talks about it. I also knew that he cared immensely for it, as opposed to men who don't care about their children. In theory, I still found him attractive despite the fact that he had a kid. I just never saw him with it in person.

I used to think to myself, "I think I could be with a guy who had a child. I have the knowledge and experience to handle children, I can do it."

Nope. As he walked into the venue he carried his baby in his arms. Simultaneously, it appeared women began to swarm him to see the baby. That made me laugh but while he held the baby I had no interest in him at all, not even an inkling. It wasn't the ladies, I am not threatened by any of them at all. Even while he was holding the baby, he tried talking to him and I still have no interest at all. I'm sure I lost points for that. Women swarm him to see his baby, I don't even say hello to him and when he tries talking to me I'm like whatever.

haha

I couldn't even feign interest. Apparently babies turn me off completely.

I'm slightly tripping out

2009-08-10T03:16:00.000-07:00

The certain grandson of a certain founder of a certain Church of Satan is apparently now in my city and friend requested me on a certain social networking website and asked if I wanted to hang out so I'm slightly tripping out.

...but I can't because my boyfriend is... some word that I can't appropriately think of... and doesn't think this is as awesome as I think it is. So my excitement is in vain.

Me in an excited voice: "Dude, Stanton LaVey just requested me on MySpace and asked if I wanted to hang out. I guess he's here now."

Him: "What? Deny it."

Me: ...

Him: "You're going to deny it, right?"

Me: ...

Him: "Right? What are you going to do?"

Me: "... nothing."

Him: "You denied it, right?"

Me: "... I'm going to log off."

What the fuck. Now I just need to do something.